(35) Numb 01.21.24 @ 1:46pm

My heart’s been bleeding out;
Since that December night.
I hold resentment against you like a grudge.
Why don’t you just fucking die already?!

I’ll never forgive her for what she did.
She’s the reason my heart aches.
The cause of my painful memories.
She murdered the loving soul that once was.

Chain smoking days.
Terror filled nightmares.
These dreams are as deadly as they occur.
What lurks in the dark is surely more fatal.

She gave me false hope.
Thinking I’d feel what love felt like again.
I gave her my love with apprection.
She cut up my heart like cheap plastic,

Now I sit here on my door steps feeling hopeless.
My anatomy is filled with anger and bitter regrets.
My hatred for you is purer than a brick of cocaine.
I take back everything I said to you.

The memory of you haunts me.
She saw a nice guy within and took advantage.
In my lair, she sat so beautifully on my futon.
She made the first move and began whoring herself.

Then she changed her mind!
She dipped and left me riled up!
There I was, with voices in my head;
Demanding her to be raped after that stupid stunt.

I denied their request and refused to give in.
Evil intentions will never win.
I’m better than that;
Yet the voices kept making sick demands.

Time passes, soon turning to months.
Been almost a year since I’ve seen her.
Now we're “good”?
As it turns out, I’m not actually good.

I finally gave up on her stupid ass.
I’m fed up with being her fucking slave!
Like the rest of them, she’s fucking another one.
Yet, she gets furious when she sees other females.

What the actual fuck was I thinking?
Chasing a fucking whore with two kids!
I’m tired of being your last choice.
You drained me with your fucking kids.

I’m tired of being let down and forgiving you.
You forced me to expose my hidden feelings.
I never wanted you to know how I felt.
This fucking bitch played me all along.

She had feelings for me at one point.
Yet, she exposed them when the time wasn’t right.
I bought Christmas presents for her & the kids.
I went out of my way for her, for them.

Something she would never do.
She threw the presents in my face.
Her pathetic pride is bigger than her ignorance.
I got a message for you.

You might be physically pretty;
But the truth has been exposed.
You’re fucking ugly on the inside.
A hideous specimen.

I’m moving on to better things.
I still have potential and a future.
You’re fucked with a dead end job.
You ain’t got shit but your name, bitch!

For now, I’m staying in my lane.
I’ll do everything possible to erase my memory of you.
You don’t mean jack shit to this fool anymore.
You’re still walking, but you’re dead to me.

I appreciate your lack of support.
You were there for a fool at times.
I’m sober now, my eyes began to open.
You’re nothing but a toxic fucking cunt.

You really never gave a fuck about me.
You were never a hundred.
I’d always hear you out in your time of need.
Visa versa, it was all on me.

I don’t think I care if I die alone.
It’s better than kissing ass for nothing.
You’re getting older, I’m only getting wiser.
With your stupid pride, you’ll die alone in no time.

I feel reborn as I write this.
Maybe you’ll read this one day.
You will disappear once you do.
I don’t give a flying fuck anymore bitch.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
I was an idiot for chasing after a shark.
That's the thing about drugs & alcohol.
One can’t think straight when intoxicated.

I used to call you, “My favorite chica.”
I was genuinely afraid to lose you.
Our friendship and whatever else was there.
She said she doesn’t know me, but labeled me a player.

She was the player all along.
I played her toxic game.
Now I’m fed up and opting out.
The reality is, I fucking won.

The price is a new perspective.
I must get this off my chest.
In order to gain spiritual growth.
I’m living life while you’re doing life.

What one considers, “Time to self.”
She took it as me disappearing.
Bitch, where the fuck did I even go?
I was there at times on your apartment staircase.

This isn’t even casual writing anymore.
It sounds more like a fucking rant.
Truth be told, I give up on love.
It’ll still be roaming free when you die.

How dare she tell me I was getting “attached”
I’m a heartless prick for the most part.
That’s why we connected in the first place!
We’re two toxic motherfuckers inhabiting earth.

She wouldn’t shut the fuck up!
“I don’t even know you”
It hurt so much, after years of acquaintance.
I was a fool, crying for a bitch who couldn’t care less.

Well guess what, sweetheart?
You got what you wanted.
You pushed me away.
Now, I’m drinking the pain away.

Insomniac nights, remembering you.
Now I sleep in serenity, knowing I hate you.
Resting peacefully at night, knowing you’re part of the past.
My tears are dried up now, I’m grinning.

Her famous quote;
“Lying is a sin”
The stupid cunt never understood.
I’m a godless fuck that doesn’t believe in “sin”

She snuck to my place late at night.
Looking for a quick fuck and a blunt.
I should've known what you were really about.
Along the lines, you’re just a sneaky little fucking slut.

I know some will say;
“This is too much!”
“You sound bitter and hateful!”
Well guess who converted me?

There’s only one girl that truly owns this heart.
The truth is, it ain’t you and it will never be!
You told me to pursue my first love;
I should’ve listened to your advice.

This cloud of suspense will soon evaporate.
My hatred for you will disintegrate someday.
My first mission is to get as far away from you.
I gotta do what I must do to be a better man.

She was right when she said;
“You’re too young for me”
“I’m too old for you!”
The fact is, all she did was hurt me.

I cannot change you, but I can surely replace you.
You may never forget this soul.
I promise I will forget you.
Like my drinking days, you’ll be long gone.

I’ll forget your candy kisses.
Your beautiful sexy body.
Your colorful personality.
Your teenage like attitude.

I can’t be “friends” with you.
I just can’t.
Not with those painful memories;
Lurking in my mind.

I never wanted to face facts.
With you, I was only miserable.
Chasing you was like messing with the dark portal.
I was wrong when I thought you could be the one.

Despite this hateful writing piece.
I wish you the best, sweetie.
It’s time for me to say goodbye.
I’m momentarily numb, but I’ll soon be alright.

I’m doing time inside this lonely cubicle.
The time I’ve inhabited is borrowed.
At times I miss her, other times I despise her.
Wishing I could truly tell her this.

The urge to hit your DM’s remains.
I came too far to go back to you.
I’m a motherfucking soldier;
In a world full of toxic nazis cocksuckers.

I don’t know what I would do;
If I ever saw your pretty face again.
Maybe I’ll lose it, perhaps I’ll keep cool.
Only time will tell when it comes.

My father says letting you go was a mistake.
All I know is, I knew what was at stake.
Giving up on you was a gain.
My spirit was set free like hail in the rain.

I’m doing better now.
Like a crow in the night.
I’m roaming free from tree to tree.
The night owl is back once again.

What used to be fear, now become dried tears,
I overcame this misery and now it’s past injuries.
I’m strong now, like the dope in my bong.
I don’t ever want you back, you fucking tramp!

I used to think that I needed you.
As it turns out, my thoughts were wrong.
I was a damn fool but I kept my cool.
With you, I didn’t have much to lose.

I keep my real ones close by.
They keep me elevated like my high.
Nobody told me to let you go.
It was my decision to say goodbye.

I called it quits;
The night you appeared in my dream.
It was more like a nightmare.
We got into a fatal car accident, then you took off.

Stranded and alone.
Then I woke up and had an epiphany.
These dreams don’t tend to make sense.
Either way, I’m no longer stuck in the trench.

I’m walking as free as I can ever be.
On the side of the road with my thoughts.
Coyotes that roam the night.
Siparilling pupils that spin in sight.

I was lost, now I’m found.
It’s four twenty in the morning.
I’m up with a smile as I hit another doobie.
Laughing because she thought she knew me.

The saying she would tell me stuck.
“I don’t even trust myself!”
Took me a while to figure it out;
That’s what whores say to go hoe around.

I’m glad there was never an “us”.
How would I even trust you?
Considering what we did those late nights.
If I could’ve got it, then anyone else could.

Day by day, it all makes sense.
You weren’t the one for me.
I was never meant to be with you.
You were never meant to be with me.

We just weren’t right for each other.
Somehow, you knew that before I did.
Now I’m feeling lonelier than ever.
I suppose it’s better than being with you.

I have good days.
Then there’s days, you can tell by my face.
I’ll put on a legitimate smile.
Deep down, I’m numb on the surface.

I don’t care if you refuse to talk to me.
I’m okay with that, I feel free.
I watch my own back these days.
While you lay on yours, dirty ass whore.