vacant spaces

 
I read the words of bold & beautiful women
so strong in their character
firm in their resolution
from where I cower they appear fearless
though I'm sure from there it feels a little different
everything looks wilder on the far side of experience
still...I can't help being a little jealous
as they stomp out their passion line after line
describing moments & thoughts I could only imagine
leaving me to live vicariously through their poems
with all my heart I wish I could have been like them
more in touch with who I am
less restricted in my self-inflicted prison
because the bars kept dangers from getting in
...or so I erroneously told myself
I'd much rather have had the courage to unlock it
comport myself in a manner more...saucy
but when the dice were rolled...
I guess I chose a another road
so here I am...
still learning how to be me
...or unlearning what they said I should be
unravel the tangle I've made of my life
forcing myself to take part in conversations
despite believing my own opinions & arguments have less value
I'm so fucking non-confrontational
I'm trying...
in all things there are degrees
I comfort myself with the knowledge
at least I'm more assertive than my terrified mother
whose shoulders are permanently hunched
from decades of trying to be smaller
but some days it's the best I can do to show up
and sit in silence at the table
listening to the chaos scrambling through my mind
knowing those defiant women would have no problem
hammering their point into thick headed skulls
unlike me...who sits here biting my tongue until it bleeds
one day...I swear...I'm going to shock everyone...
...especially myself
and boldly speak up
staking claim to some space in this universe
larger than the miniscule dot I've allotted to my own being...