night out

      My best buddy picks me up about 5 o'clock. He had been outta town for a few months, and stops to grab me on the way up to see his sisters' new house. His work truck is littered with a hardhat, bolts and nuts, stale cigarette butts and I smell something that must only come about after staying with a job for more than a year-because I don't recognize it. The windshield has a crack in it, in the same spot that I remember my fathers' did, and by 5:15 I already feel strangely ashamed.  
      We get to his sisters house in roughly an hour. It is a wonderful home right off the river, and is the perfect compliment to the couple who are newly-weds, and their beautiful 11 month old baby girl. I kiss the baby, as I am quite happy to meet her, and walk around poking and prodding the house in a manner that I envision as amiable. After twenty minutes I am fairly certain that I have exhausted all the measures I have to pretend that I am polite society, and telepathically transmit messages to extend the niceties to an offer of liquor.  
       "Sure, I'll take a beer" I respond to the anxiously awaited question, and try to polish off the edge of excitement I have after feeling like a fish out of water, finally free to swim. The first libation pours itself eagerly down my gullet, and I figure that I could probably sneak the next two down before pacing myself, because I don't wont the concerned looks that seem to chaperone me everywhere. I kill the next hour without a single speck of appearing pensive, and think to myself that I should win the Academy Award for Best Disguised Neurotic. My soft chuckle is ignored, in that my laughing to myself is far from a unique display.  
       I suppose it is nearly 8 o'clock when we finally get to the bar, a respite where I longer have to pretend. The bar keep has my two beers and two shots ready, a disciplined therapist who knows his patients' needs, and has already broken my bill so I can feed the jukebox. I triple-up the playlist with George Thorogood, and sing along to "I drink alone" loud enough to camouflage my crying heart.    
       By 9 o'clock my buddy's other friends arrive so I quickly resume my gameface and offer the response of "same shit different day" to the circle of asked "how's it going's?". I'm stuck with the company of my own head within five minutes, and since I don't have the energy to make a run for a second of my self-imagined Academy Awards, I duck silently out the side door. Nearly drunk enough to sleep I start on my walk home, and between me and the nothing of the nights sky I finally feel together.