deepundergroundpoetry.com
Just Breathe
I like my life, it’s quiet & peaceful, and that’s the way I want it to be. I don’t want what you have. I’m not envious that you live in a fishbowl, and have no freedom to live your life without being stalked & harassed by fanatics, not to mention all the other toxic weirdos weighing in and talking shit about shit about nothing, everything & anything in between that they perceive when they know nothing at all.
A pretty sad life they must live to leave toxic comments, creating bogus accounts, and spinning a false narrative centred around BS whilst trying to hijack someone else’s identity, or purporting to know things they know nothing about.
God made me as a limited edition so all the rest can dream on, all the false prophets, and counterfeit wannabe carbon copyyy crazies that will never emerge and grow into their own unique self, whilst wasting time throwing stones. Godly people casting judgement isn’t very godly at all. Hypocrisy is a disease.
Probably the same brand of bitterrr twisteddd jellyyy bitches that want what wasn’t meant for them, salivatinggg like dogsss on heat for their turn when God did not intend that which was meant for me, to be for them. Oh. Me. Me. Me. Fuck you desperate cuntsss and your attempts to tainttt something sacred that wasn’t meant for you.
Nowadays, I don’t even read all that shit as it’s as toxiccc as fuckkk to the heart & soul. I suggest you do the same for your own peace of mind. Many, grasping at strawzzz.
We’re a little lost in translation, lacking communication, and quality time spent alone bonding, that’s our problem. No one is to blame, we’re busy people with lives, who struggle to let other people share the parts of ourselves that resemble the good, the bad and the downright ugly.
We shot our shot, and wounded one another, once again. I can only apologise for the train wreck, once again, triggered by a combination of factors, including my lack of filter, the long pausal moments of silence when I can’t decipher your behaviours whilst you’re in your pursuance to seek attention elsewhere, instead of looping back around to me. These are things that I cannot change as they have to be deployed from your end.
Not entirely your fault but I’m not going to force you into saying or doing anything if it’s not flowing naturally. Neither of us are perfect, we’re still growing into ourselves, and possibly one another. Then, you said I killed it with my silence, and never did you once check in to ascertain what was unfolding and how we both landed in that spot. No inquiring mind to cross reference me to seek clarity, renders me silent. What am I suppose to say or do in that context ?! Nothing. There’s absolutely nothing I can do but ask you to talk to me. I don’t need to know why because you just did, and you have your reasons, you always have your reasons.
I’d rather walk away and leave you to manifest whatever it is you’re seeking to manifest if it is not me, or with me. That’s not sacred, that’s possibly an open relationship with no boundaries whereby you’re free to do whatever it is that floats your boat, and same goes for me too. It’s not what I want but it’s what you want, then we’re bleeding out once again. You have to talk to me.
If you want an open relationship those things are oft negotiated, yet there was no dialogue, no communication. Just impulsive decisions, followed by my silence, we can’t say one thing & do another.
It probably feels like I do the same thing too. And then, we find ourselves cannibalising one another until we’re bleeding all over again, talk to me so I can understand and help us to help one another through this.
What else can I do but accept the way you move, and watch you walk away once again to pursue whatever else you have on speedial. Don’t you crave a deep bond, that’s worth nourishing over time, that enables both of us to nurture one another. Instant gratification is good but a bond built on trust percolates over time, whilst simmering to maintain the heat, thats where it’s at.
Successful relationships are built on trust and that takes time, trials oft by fire, and many errors to enable us to grow. It becomes dysfunctional when neither party is willing to compromise, understand, grow and most of all, forgive. I appreciate you, how could I not. We crossed paths when my children were little, and they’re adults now. Hard to believe but surely you remember the cherry blossoms and blackberry qwerrty keyboards. Anchored. Maybe, maybe not. You’ll have to flick through your archives.
I respect that you went in another direction whilst I was busy trying to settle into a new role in the workplace, with a lot more responsibility of a large workforce but how were you to know that. The increased responsibility drained me and I had nothing left to give you, and that’s how relationships fail. Besides, you were filling your cup elsewhere, so I decided to check-out so I didn’t have to see but I saw.
With long distance, opposing time zones, demanding & competing work priorities, I can see how it killed our vibe. So. I understand how things unfolded the way they did, and it’s no one’s fault it just happened, for obvious reasons.
Not ideal and we can’t undo what’s been done so stop torturing yourself with trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense until we be honest about what we both want and need from one another. I’m not a fluent mind reader per se.
There’s no point prosecuting one another and dissecting faults when it’s obviously something that we keep doing, knowing we’ll both suffer for it. Lessons, we’re obviously not learning from. It felt right. It felt real. It felt true. Always felt that way. However, we fell short on both ends, so we bleed out again, until we heal.
We’re only human, not robots programmed to mind read one another per se. Just breathe and we’ll try again, or not. I don’t know what else to do, we can stay or go our own way, it’s not complex.
The dangers of two introverted souls merging is fatal for both of us when communication is lacking, look at the way it wrecks us. You didn’t ask, and I didn’t say. You walked away instead of talking to me. I let you go because what else could I have done but sit within my silence and process what you’re showing me through your actions.
Did you think I was going to call you out, shoot you down with words, and cause more pain to us both. That’s not me, and that’s not who I am. You’re free to do you at any time, and your actions inform me on how I should move. I don’t like causing scenes and being dramatically unhinged as that’s toxic. I’m not a fan of drama.
It took some months to process, confined for days on end, however, I can’t work remotely from home and run a corporation from my living room or bedroom forever, which is how I grieved the loss of you this time round as it’s not the first time I’ve seen you come & go. The train wreck in my mind is always significant when we collide, and I’m still trying to process things, and function. I have no alibi aside from I was raising my children the first time around.
It’s not easy to recover from the fall whilst musing, knowing we’ve been here before, time again, since the blackberry days and those qwerty little keyboards and we bleed out for the loss when we take off in another direction. Funny that but not surprising when you think about two people searching for light in the dark.
I didn’t really have anyone to school me during my more formative years about healthy relationships, and it took some time to learn. You think I’d learn to walk away but still years later, I gravitate towards things that set me on fire that aren’t really tangible.
I felt like I was dying this time around, literally. I’m all cried out but there’s no point begging you to see something in me that only you should be able to recognise & feel because it resonates with your heart & soul. I guess I wasn’t your blueprint, prototype or rib, and I’m OK with that.
We still burn brighter together, unadulterated and unfiltered like lovers should. We’re both intense, and I still believe nothing is coincidental. Angel. Devil. Besties. It could be a blessing, I don’t know.
Maybe, we’re too much alike, and that’s our problem, yet that’s exactly why we gravitate towards one another. Both hyper independent to the point where we don’t know how to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of one another in our oneness. We walk away flipping the birdy at the hint of anything that doesn’t float our boat like a pair of wounded self entitled arseholes before realising that we should’ve probably talked about things, and resolved the way forward like grown adults. Oh well.
Again, not your fault entirely as it’s a two way street, and I own the flaws on my end that most probably lead to you feeling unloved & neglected, prior to straying. See the pattern and if so what’s the solution because I don’t know at this point. We’re both wounded.
Two intense people are bound to ruin things from their overthinking, insecurities & inability to speak up and create a checkpoint to keep them grounded, within their love.
I dunno tomorrow’s another day, maybe we can try again or maybe you’re done this time as it’s not our first rodeo trying to make things work and navigate one another amongst all the other complexities we have to navigate in life. Don’t be too hard on yourself, please… xoxox
A pretty sad life they must live to leave toxic comments, creating bogus accounts, and spinning a false narrative centred around BS whilst trying to hijack someone else’s identity, or purporting to know things they know nothing about.
God made me as a limited edition so all the rest can dream on, all the false prophets, and counterfeit wannabe carbon copyyy crazies that will never emerge and grow into their own unique self, whilst wasting time throwing stones. Godly people casting judgement isn’t very godly at all. Hypocrisy is a disease.
Probably the same brand of bitterrr twisteddd jellyyy bitches that want what wasn’t meant for them, salivatinggg like dogsss on heat for their turn when God did not intend that which was meant for me, to be for them. Oh. Me. Me. Me. Fuck you desperate cuntsss and your attempts to tainttt something sacred that wasn’t meant for you.
Nowadays, I don’t even read all that shit as it’s as toxiccc as fuckkk to the heart & soul. I suggest you do the same for your own peace of mind. Many, grasping at strawzzz.
We’re a little lost in translation, lacking communication, and quality time spent alone bonding, that’s our problem. No one is to blame, we’re busy people with lives, who struggle to let other people share the parts of ourselves that resemble the good, the bad and the downright ugly.
We shot our shot, and wounded one another, once again. I can only apologise for the train wreck, once again, triggered by a combination of factors, including my lack of filter, the long pausal moments of silence when I can’t decipher your behaviours whilst you’re in your pursuance to seek attention elsewhere, instead of looping back around to me. These are things that I cannot change as they have to be deployed from your end.
Not entirely your fault but I’m not going to force you into saying or doing anything if it’s not flowing naturally. Neither of us are perfect, we’re still growing into ourselves, and possibly one another. Then, you said I killed it with my silence, and never did you once check in to ascertain what was unfolding and how we both landed in that spot. No inquiring mind to cross reference me to seek clarity, renders me silent. What am I suppose to say or do in that context ?! Nothing. There’s absolutely nothing I can do but ask you to talk to me. I don’t need to know why because you just did, and you have your reasons, you always have your reasons.
I’d rather walk away and leave you to manifest whatever it is you’re seeking to manifest if it is not me, or with me. That’s not sacred, that’s possibly an open relationship with no boundaries whereby you’re free to do whatever it is that floats your boat, and same goes for me too. It’s not what I want but it’s what you want, then we’re bleeding out once again. You have to talk to me.
If you want an open relationship those things are oft negotiated, yet there was no dialogue, no communication. Just impulsive decisions, followed by my silence, we can’t say one thing & do another.
It probably feels like I do the same thing too. And then, we find ourselves cannibalising one another until we’re bleeding all over again, talk to me so I can understand and help us to help one another through this.
What else can I do but accept the way you move, and watch you walk away once again to pursue whatever else you have on speedial. Don’t you crave a deep bond, that’s worth nourishing over time, that enables both of us to nurture one another. Instant gratification is good but a bond built on trust percolates over time, whilst simmering to maintain the heat, thats where it’s at.
Successful relationships are built on trust and that takes time, trials oft by fire, and many errors to enable us to grow. It becomes dysfunctional when neither party is willing to compromise, understand, grow and most of all, forgive. I appreciate you, how could I not. We crossed paths when my children were little, and they’re adults now. Hard to believe but surely you remember the cherry blossoms and blackberry qwerrty keyboards. Anchored. Maybe, maybe not. You’ll have to flick through your archives.
I respect that you went in another direction whilst I was busy trying to settle into a new role in the workplace, with a lot more responsibility of a large workforce but how were you to know that. The increased responsibility drained me and I had nothing left to give you, and that’s how relationships fail. Besides, you were filling your cup elsewhere, so I decided to check-out so I didn’t have to see but I saw.
With long distance, opposing time zones, demanding & competing work priorities, I can see how it killed our vibe. So. I understand how things unfolded the way they did, and it’s no one’s fault it just happened, for obvious reasons.
Not ideal and we can’t undo what’s been done so stop torturing yourself with trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense until we be honest about what we both want and need from one another. I’m not a fluent mind reader per se.
There’s no point prosecuting one another and dissecting faults when it’s obviously something that we keep doing, knowing we’ll both suffer for it. Lessons, we’re obviously not learning from. It felt right. It felt real. It felt true. Always felt that way. However, we fell short on both ends, so we bleed out again, until we heal.
We’re only human, not robots programmed to mind read one another per se. Just breathe and we’ll try again, or not. I don’t know what else to do, we can stay or go our own way, it’s not complex.
The dangers of two introverted souls merging is fatal for both of us when communication is lacking, look at the way it wrecks us. You didn’t ask, and I didn’t say. You walked away instead of talking to me. I let you go because what else could I have done but sit within my silence and process what you’re showing me through your actions.
Did you think I was going to call you out, shoot you down with words, and cause more pain to us both. That’s not me, and that’s not who I am. You’re free to do you at any time, and your actions inform me on how I should move. I don’t like causing scenes and being dramatically unhinged as that’s toxic. I’m not a fan of drama.
It took some months to process, confined for days on end, however, I can’t work remotely from home and run a corporation from my living room or bedroom forever, which is how I grieved the loss of you this time round as it’s not the first time I’ve seen you come & go. The train wreck in my mind is always significant when we collide, and I’m still trying to process things, and function. I have no alibi aside from I was raising my children the first time around.
It’s not easy to recover from the fall whilst musing, knowing we’ve been here before, time again, since the blackberry days and those qwerty little keyboards and we bleed out for the loss when we take off in another direction. Funny that but not surprising when you think about two people searching for light in the dark.
I didn’t really have anyone to school me during my more formative years about healthy relationships, and it took some time to learn. You think I’d learn to walk away but still years later, I gravitate towards things that set me on fire that aren’t really tangible.
I felt like I was dying this time around, literally. I’m all cried out but there’s no point begging you to see something in me that only you should be able to recognise & feel because it resonates with your heart & soul. I guess I wasn’t your blueprint, prototype or rib, and I’m OK with that.
We still burn brighter together, unadulterated and unfiltered like lovers should. We’re both intense, and I still believe nothing is coincidental. Angel. Devil. Besties. It could be a blessing, I don’t know.
Maybe, we’re too much alike, and that’s our problem, yet that’s exactly why we gravitate towards one another. Both hyper independent to the point where we don’t know how to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of one another in our oneness. We walk away flipping the birdy at the hint of anything that doesn’t float our boat like a pair of wounded self entitled arseholes before realising that we should’ve probably talked about things, and resolved the way forward like grown adults. Oh well.
Again, not your fault entirely as it’s a two way street, and I own the flaws on my end that most probably lead to you feeling unloved & neglected, prior to straying. See the pattern and if so what’s the solution because I don’t know at this point. We’re both wounded.
Two intense people are bound to ruin things from their overthinking, insecurities & inability to speak up and create a checkpoint to keep them grounded, within their love.
I dunno tomorrow’s another day, maybe we can try again or maybe you’re done this time as it’s not our first rodeo trying to make things work and navigate one another amongst all the other complexities we have to navigate in life. Don’t be too hard on yourself, please… xoxox
Published 7th Jan 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 192
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Reads like a stand-off. I agree with this paragraph:
God made me as a limited edition so all the rest can dream on, all the false prophets, and counterfeit wannabe carbon copy crazies that will never emerge and grow into their own unique self, whilst wasting time throwing stones. Godly people casting judgement isn’t very godly at all. Hypocrisy is a disease. [ie as Jesus said, 'Let him who is without blame cast the first stone..."]
God made me as a limited edition so all the rest can dream on, all the false prophets, and counterfeit wannabe carbon copy crazies that will never emerge and grow into their own unique self, whilst wasting time throwing stones. Godly people casting judgement isn’t very godly at all. Hypocrisy is a disease. [ie as Jesus said, 'Let him who is without blame cast the first stone..."]
8th Jan 2024 2:51pm
