looking glass cracks & distortions

 
I want to love what I see
embrace the concept of body positivity
see something redeemable in the shattered landscape of me
but the truth is...I never did
even when I was proclaimed beautiful
by those who believed they had any rights
arrogantly making such a generous declaration
when my curves met more readily with their expectations
their always conditional approval
less lush in their dimensions
when my hair still fell in thick auburn waves
like autumn in glorious cascades
fiery & as yet unfaded
still I stared at my reflection like the betrayal I felt it to be
as it gazed back through the looking glass
...awkwardly
when legs were lean & long
always braced to turn tail & run
the unbidden undulation of full hips in motion
and the ass that begged eyes to stare at its fullness...
...flagrantly...
...greedily devouring its rounded form
these were features I was never able to see
their appeal always hidden from me
how now do I learn to love what I have never really known
now that time has faded its former dazzle
into something barely discernable
and I've come to a place in time
where the attraction I yearn to understand...
...is mine