A cursed soul

It took me a while
But now I get it
This moment is as good as it gets
I’ve been untangling the threads to reach it
Not realizing I’m already here
And this is it
Time is a mind trap
Those who don’t get it will squander their entire life living in the past or future instead of now
Now is the only time one really has
This moment well be Able to provide you with all the calmness and peace which you need and  keep expecting from the next moment
It’ll work out for the better future
I reassure my self
But I’m not sure that future will ever come
I cry everyday knowing it won’t
I see my self dying every time I close my eyes
Time is what we have in this life but I fear I don’t have much of it left
What should I do?
What can I do?
I fear that when I die I’ll just be like the sand in the ocean floor lost and buried without any meaning
I fear when I die there won’t be anything
Left to remember me by
I’m I worthless to have been cursed?
I’m I a creature made to live a life of sorrow?
I’m I doomed to be cursed with death after fighting in numerous times?
Will I ever close my eyes and sleep and wake up and say “I had a dream where I was happy”
Will I ever be happy? I ask my self these questions
I’m scared knowing my loved ones have fought hard for my survival and yet came short
My best friends will I scare them for life? Will her calls be for nothing? Will she be fine?
To me I have no meaning and existence in this world of pain
I think to my self why
why me
why I’m I like this
why did I get cursed
I’ve being running away and hiding even from my past
But now I have made peace with it and I am not afraid to revisit her when ever she comes knocking.
To choose happiness would be my very wish but
I struggle to enjoy the essence of life
The fun times
The joys and love I try to understand but I never do
You can dance In the storm
And I chose to roll with it
You can dance in the rain
And I chose to fall with it
Death is inevitable but I thought I would live to understand the meaning of life
But I guess everything comes to an end even the sun will die out one day and I hope when I die I would be remembered like the sun shining bright and providing light and warmth over the people that I love and care for
I hope no one lives the life I have lived and I hope when I die my body should be burnt and ashes thrown into the river so my curse doesn’t stain anyone’s life so the cycle won’t repeat it self
I hope when I die if I am to go hell I hope i can be allowed me to ask God why
I hope when I die I can ask God to take my curse and lock it up so it never happens again
I am a cursed soul and left to wonder the world aimlessly
Left to yearn for love
Left to yearn for peace
Left to yearn for happiness
Left to yearn for freedom
I have no identity I try to copy and fit in nothing original just picking up peoples shells and wearing them taking what’s theirs and making it mine
I don’t have what belongs to me even my organs
Will I ever be okay? Maybe not I should close my eyes now and sleep and let death do its bidding and purify this world of a cursed soul.

  Jemba.