never ending journey

sad to say...
my self esteem died a long & painful death
well, okay...maybe not quite dead
but gasping her next to last breath
desperately seeking validation
it started out at a very young age
{doesn't it always...}
as words thrown casually in my direction
sharp & liberally laced with a particularly nasty venom
repeated doses made me more susceptible  
but the real killer...
...that kind of damage...
...eventually it self-perpetuates
until one day I was the one destroying me
internally tearing myself limb from limb
emotional implosion...I guess you could call it
trust me...
...no one can cut me like I can...
...I mean eviscerate...
I took every lesson...
...and expanded on it...
...ugly doesn't cover it
thing is...I have a huge giving heart
I was made for love
there's a certain irony to be found
in giving everything to someone else  
and not feeling worthy myself  
but here we are...
I truly am a catastrophic disaster
doesn't mean I'll ever give up
I keep trudging along my path
looking for the good in me
trying to keep that imagery in my direct line of sight
...giving my battered self-esteem a fighting chance
doing my best to be kind...
...speak more gently...
...to my marshmallow heart