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Journal Entry 7
I've been thinking lately, dangerous I know...
But, I've been considering how I've handled situations in my life. If somebody wrongs me, I've always been the first to apologize just to make peace, so that my stress can subside. However, I have learned something in the process. Scripture says there are a few things that are never full in this life, the grave, and hell being two off the list. When I think about it, it's true. If you are by nature a people pleaser, it's not that you are fake, but I know for myself im starting to see it's because growing up, my relationship with my mother was so violent, and I could never measure up in her eyes, so essentially I have carried that mentality over into adulthood.
So basically, anybody can do anything to me and somehow in my heart, I see it as my own fault. Don't get me wrong, accountability is paramount if one wants to grow, but there are people in this world that feed on weakness in others to selfishly grow their own strength.
And I am conflicted also, for instance, this past week I finally stood up for myself. I won't go into details, but this woman who doesn't know me at all, started slandering me to family in a group chat, I mean literally out of nowhere. Well, thank God my family knows me, they started private messaging me saying, Anna ..you just say the word and I'll blast her.
In my mind, I viewed it as a test, like...I know what she's saying is a bold face lie, but how is this battle (That she started) gonna end?
I texted the few family members back and told them to just let it go.
But then, out of nowhere this woman insinuates me as being an uncaring mother.
Momma Bear in full force!!!
I at that point didn't need anyone to defend me, I ripped her a new one right there in front of everyone.
But a strange occurrence happened as soon as I did, I had a total meltdown.
I felt as if I did something wrong, even though family was sending me accolades and rooting me on, I knew that's just not who I am as a person.
I bawled so hard I gave myself a migraine for the rest of the day.
I didn't apologize though.
Well, I apologized to the rest of the group for my language but not personally to the recipient of my defense.
I've dealt with a narcissist in my life, luckily I don't have to communicate with them because I've learned to just stay away and not feed it.
But one is enough, two is exhausting.
And that's what I think scripture means about hell not being full, they give you hell, then when you actually defend yourself, they play the victim, essentially no end to their chaos.
They create situations then flip it and project onto you every single thing they themselves are doing.
And I'm not built to be able to cope with that. So, this woman is still posting stuff like, I forgive, and crap.
Four days went by and she sent me a text yesterday apologizing, family jumped on me and said, dont you dare respond.
It's hard because I believe scripture, and it states to be forgiven you have to forgive. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life I need forgiveness for.
It also seems that defending yourself doesn't make them stop, they start punching harder.
So, who ends the war?
Lol, I think we know...
It's just not worth the heartache and pain, I will accept her apology, but also I will keep my distance indefinitely. I pray God blesses them, that he places a kind and softer heart in them.
God this world is evil.
I'm a hermit, and I love it!
Which is why I think she made me her target, I wasn't responding to everything she needed me to do, but like I said, I won't get too personal on here, but it was ridiculous! I had a get together planned for family and friends, three weeks ago I sent out invites. She made an appointment for us girls to go dress shopping for an event that's coming up, on the same day and didn't tell me about it, then ripped me a new one when I couldn't make it.
Petty crap, but the sad part is, it's the crap they use to paint their distorted pictures of people who are barely surviving life to begin with.
Anyways...
God, please give kind hearts strength, please give us mercy and time to understand our own flaws and adjust accordingly.
Please make peace where war and death are, help all the mommas and babies that are held captive. Be their refuge, their high tower.
Love,
Anna
But, I've been considering how I've handled situations in my life. If somebody wrongs me, I've always been the first to apologize just to make peace, so that my stress can subside. However, I have learned something in the process. Scripture says there are a few things that are never full in this life, the grave, and hell being two off the list. When I think about it, it's true. If you are by nature a people pleaser, it's not that you are fake, but I know for myself im starting to see it's because growing up, my relationship with my mother was so violent, and I could never measure up in her eyes, so essentially I have carried that mentality over into adulthood.
So basically, anybody can do anything to me and somehow in my heart, I see it as my own fault. Don't get me wrong, accountability is paramount if one wants to grow, but there are people in this world that feed on weakness in others to selfishly grow their own strength.
And I am conflicted also, for instance, this past week I finally stood up for myself. I won't go into details, but this woman who doesn't know me at all, started slandering me to family in a group chat, I mean literally out of nowhere. Well, thank God my family knows me, they started private messaging me saying, Anna ..you just say the word and I'll blast her.
In my mind, I viewed it as a test, like...I know what she's saying is a bold face lie, but how is this battle (That she started) gonna end?
I texted the few family members back and told them to just let it go.
But then, out of nowhere this woman insinuates me as being an uncaring mother.
Momma Bear in full force!!!
I at that point didn't need anyone to defend me, I ripped her a new one right there in front of everyone.
But a strange occurrence happened as soon as I did, I had a total meltdown.
I felt as if I did something wrong, even though family was sending me accolades and rooting me on, I knew that's just not who I am as a person.
I bawled so hard I gave myself a migraine for the rest of the day.
I didn't apologize though.
Well, I apologized to the rest of the group for my language but not personally to the recipient of my defense.
I've dealt with a narcissist in my life, luckily I don't have to communicate with them because I've learned to just stay away and not feed it.
But one is enough, two is exhausting.
And that's what I think scripture means about hell not being full, they give you hell, then when you actually defend yourself, they play the victim, essentially no end to their chaos.
They create situations then flip it and project onto you every single thing they themselves are doing.
And I'm not built to be able to cope with that. So, this woman is still posting stuff like, I forgive, and crap.
Four days went by and she sent me a text yesterday apologizing, family jumped on me and said, dont you dare respond.
It's hard because I believe scripture, and it states to be forgiven you have to forgive. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life I need forgiveness for.
It also seems that defending yourself doesn't make them stop, they start punching harder.
So, who ends the war?
Lol, I think we know...
It's just not worth the heartache and pain, I will accept her apology, but also I will keep my distance indefinitely. I pray God blesses them, that he places a kind and softer heart in them.
God this world is evil.
I'm a hermit, and I love it!
Which is why I think she made me her target, I wasn't responding to everything she needed me to do, but like I said, I won't get too personal on here, but it was ridiculous! I had a get together planned for family and friends, three weeks ago I sent out invites. She made an appointment for us girls to go dress shopping for an event that's coming up, on the same day and didn't tell me about it, then ripped me a new one when I couldn't make it.
Petty crap, but the sad part is, it's the crap they use to paint their distorted pictures of people who are barely surviving life to begin with.
Anyways...
God, please give kind hearts strength, please give us mercy and time to understand our own flaws and adjust accordingly.
Please make peace where war and death are, help all the mommas and babies that are held captive. Be their refuge, their high tower.
Love,
Anna
Published 24th Oct 2023
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1st Nov 2023 1:37pm
I sometimes feed off weak people in times of need. The end goal, for me, is hopefully to draw strength from them as they might gain it from Billy. 😊💪
1st Nov 2023 3:47pm
Hey Billy! I totally think it's a fine thing to grow off of people who are strong in the areas we are weak, matter of fact thats a brothers keeper really, but for a person to project onto them when they themselves barely have their heads above water just to look big in the eyes of others, well that's not growing for the better, that's heartless. Lol Needless to say, I was invited to dinner by this woman, I went...but!!!!
I may have sipped around on egg nog before the encounter 😂 Just so no matter what I smiled and ignored any swipes at me if she felt the need. Thank God though all went well. I hope all is good buddy! Thanks for taking time out to read and comment.
I may have sipped around on egg nog before the encounter 😂 Just so no matter what I smiled and ignored any swipes at me if she felt the need. Thank God though all went well. I hope all is good buddy! Thanks for taking time out to read and comment.
1st Nov 2023 8:16pm
I wouldn't have accepted her invitation but well done you. To my mind, it shows me that you have strength of character in abundance & are a better person than she. 😊
3rd Nov 2023 10:24pm
Honestly, I'm not better than anyone, but thank you kindly. I fail most days, so it's easy to forgive when I keep perspective of my own short comings. Hope all is well bub! :)
