Still Grieving

Grief not allowed
Pain from an incomplete manual
Don’t partake its shows weakness
Forcefully inducted emotionally constipated
By prechosen circumstances
What a way to un-learn
 Desensitized humans so self absorbed
 and superficial
Lifeless beings over exposed space fillers  
Programmed by my last lifetime to trigger my subconscious
I just buried my mother im I allowed to suck my finger
A Child hood fantasy that doesn’t exist
Picking caskets with fabrics
That’s more like it
Marinating on a such a loss as my faith is tested  
Only God can judge me as I seek solace
Overwhelming significance that leaves me speechless
No longer the same being this grief got me feelin different
Losing you changed the symphony’s narrative
No longer numb to the pain its now explorative
Feeling Like a pig in mud wallowing for social benefits
Even mud has a purpose
Momentary territorial, parasitic, swine confessions
Or is this the part of the lesson where Im suppose to learn indifference
Mind fucked when you know you picked it
Who chooses pain for educational purposes
Is this heaven inhabited by hells fallen angels
No consolation just repeated sadness
Or how to survive a wingless existence
Learn a different type of awareness
No teamwork makes the dream work
No longer begging for forgiveness.
 Orphaned unresolved homework.
This won’t be your regular testimony.
Firsthand experiences by yours truly
Now I see the writing on the wall.
That signature looks familiar.
Im still grieving after all.