deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sara
Ah, you,
my first real love
the source of a recurrent sense
of loss, of joy,
and knowledge of how fire
could blaze inside my heart
along my limbs,
the object of my prayers!
Oh how the look of you
could make me inarticulate
tongue-tied
and in despair that I
was so unable when
within the aftermath
of kissing you
to then compose for
you some ardent, song-filled poetry.
Ah you, so fixed
and so abundant here
within my memory..
my first real love
the source of a recurrent sense
of loss, of joy,
and knowledge of how fire
could blaze inside my heart
along my limbs,
the object of my prayers!
Oh how the look of you
could make me inarticulate
tongue-tied
and in despair that I
was so unable when
within the aftermath
of kissing you
to then compose for
you some ardent, song-filled poetry.
Ah you, so fixed
and so abundant here
within my memory..
Published 16th Sep 2023
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
17th Sep 2023 00:48am
17th Sep 2023 1:03am
Thank you for the compliment. May I ask for you to tell me why it struck you as beautiful?
17th Sep 2023 1:03am
I was hoping you'd engage in an analysis of how and why the language, rhythm, and imagery in my submission worked to bring you back into your previous experience I'm pleased that my submission called up a pleasant memory for you, but I want to know how and why it did so. After all, "criticism" (which I requested) involves more than saying "I liked [disliked] X" since they do not help a writer know what it is within his/her submission that he/she should keep doing (or avoid doing again) when he/she "puts pen to paper." in the hope that what he/she writes will bring readers inside an experience and make them see with their eyes shut (Pastan's dictum).
17th Sep 2023 2:42pm
Thank you. But would you please tell me WHY you have said so? After all, I ask for criticism -- which means a response that is far more than applauseIt is one that specifies and articulates how and why the submission is (or is not) effective in bringing readers into an experience and makes (or does not make) him/her see with their eyes shut, one that provides reasons that are grounded in an awareness of what is generally acknowledged by experts in the field of what it is that makes for good (and bad) poetry for why a piece is (or is not) one that causes "amazement".
