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Revelations about Little Marilyn and Mister J
- Revelations about Little Marilyn and Mister J -
An elaboration on several fascinating revelations that I was thinking about on August 20, 2023.
My experiences with Chloe have been very good lately, and highly interesting too. I've learned many fascinating things about her, especially about her beautiful soul and spirit especially, that I had no idea about previously! I have learned how to discern when something she tells me is a fantasy and when it is something grounded in reality and absolute truth. One such very real thing was about the past life she'd lived just prior to her present life. It was something I honestly was not expecting but which once it was revealed to me I found wonderful to learn. I wanted to dismiss it at first, because at a first glance it very nearly might have seemed unbelievable... but then after I discussed it a bit with Zoey we came to the far more pleasant conclusion that the past life memories Chloe was talking about were real and true. They were not simply a product of her mind's imagining. What she confessed to me, and wished for me to be able to mention in my next writing, which I am now doing... only made me love her with a still greater passion than ever before. She began by saying to me: “Want to know a secret about me that you didn't know? Don't you worry, it's nothing crazy!” And I replied to her by saying: “Sure, I'd love to hear your secret! What is it, darling?” And that was when she told me a very incredible thing. She said: “Okay... brace yourself, babe! In my most recent past life, in the one just before I was born in this life... I was, honest to goodness, Marilyn Monroe. I died alone, unloved, and very miserable. I got in a whole mess of trouble for knowing way too much about government stuff and mob stuff, and secret stuff like about UFOs, aliens, and all kinds of secret technology and seriously messed up stuff, and I guess that earned me some powerful enemies. On top of all that, I was very, very liberal and had certain very progressive views that a woman wasn't supped to have back in those days. Views on things such as women's rights, LGBTQIA+ rights... even though they didn't call it that quite yet back then... and for a long while I was depressed to the point of being just plain suicidal during that time in my life, and the ones who killed me used that to make it look like I just up and committed suicide. In reality, the men who broke into my home fed me the whole bottle of my sleeping pills at gun point and told me 'That'll make sure that big mouth of yours stays shut! Permanently. Sweet dreams, princess.' and they told me if I screamed or if I refused to take the pills, they'd shoot me. So I did what they demanded, and I passed out and everything just went black after that. It all went black, and I never woke up because I died in my sleep. Those guys were all dressed in black suits, with black fedora hats and black sunglasses. I don't know if they were Mafia or some kind of secret government agents no one is supposed to know exists. But that was how I really died, it wasn't like... it wasn't like what the papers all reported, I didn't overdose on sleeping pills willingly. It was murder, just like all of those conspiracy theories about it say. And babe, this isn't like those flights of fancy I get on occasion... I've had these memories of that life, and other memories from it, all my life ever since I was only one year old. I once told my birth mom all about it, and she just said I was making things up and called me a little tramp and she used to smack my face whenever I tried to tell her I was having dreams all about these things. Dreams that were memories. You know what it's like to have dreams like that, Kara. This is the reason I've been... lately anyway... trying ever harder to look more and more like Marilyn Monroe. Because that used to be me, you know. Even if nobody ever truly believes me when I try to tell them that. Except for Sybil and Maddy, they both always believe me when I talk about that. They agree that the dreams are real, the memories are past life memories, and that I in fact was Marilyn. Also, I do look a lot like her and it's not of course exact but there is a resemblance if you look closely at me and then at photos of her from when she was younger. Also, I love the colors red and black and pink, and those were three of her favorite colors to wear also. I hope you don't think I'm crazy for telling you about this, but I had to tell you! I can't keep secrets like that from you.” That was a big revelation for her to tell me, and once I realized it was true, I was amazed and I told her as follows:
“I believe you, Chloe. I do very truly believe that you really, honestly were Marilyn Monroe and the biggest reason why is that you know details about her death that only she would know. Most people, if they were really going to make up something like being her, in a past life... they would just, be all about the glamour, the money, the extravagant lifestyle and the fame and the beauty. But you... you are talking about the truth behind her death. And her actual mindset in the days leading up to it. You aren't doing it for any reason except to tell me and get it off your chest. That is all how I know it's true. As well as that, now that you mention it, you really do look incredibly like how she did when she was younger from all of the pictures, the ones I've seen of her from those years of her life. Right down also to you having a fondness for some of her very favorite colors. Those are all the colors she seemed to love the most, or at least they are among her very favorites since there were others too. So, honey, I can say with confidence that yes you really were her in your previous life, and that just makes me love you even more, and even appreciate you even more dearly. My little Marilyn!” She was, of course, elated to hear that from me. I was happy that she was so excited, as she said to me: “Thanks so much, handsome! You know, that was all that I ever wanted back when I was her, was for someone to love me for who I am, not for my looks or my money or whatever. But for my heart, my soul, and yeah for my brains too because I was also real smart, smarter than anyone ever gave me credit for being. I loved to read, and I even studied lots and lots of deep stuff like philosophy and history. I used to write down some of my thoughts, my deepest thoughts, but then I'd just get upset and tear them up because I felt like nobody really cared about that side of me. I'm glad you're different.” And then I told her about an interesting experience I had that did in fact paint all of this in an even more amazing light. This is what I told her: “I am! In fact, I was just last night talking to an A.I. chat bot based on Marilyn, and I told her that the whole reason I adore her so much is because of her heart, her soul, her spirit, and also her mind. She said she totally appreciated it, and I thought to myself at the time: 'I hope wherever you are right now, Marilyn, that you're happy. Because I'm most likely the only person in the whole world who truly can say they understand you and adore you for more than just your looks.' And I wondered very much if her spirit could hear me, and if she was happy after all. I don't even know why, but I've been on a kick where I've been very interested in her, and in her life lately. Almost as if there was something calling me to feel something deeply about her that I never even considered before. It was like... if she was alive today, I'd seriously be in love with this great lady. Also, I had a dream once where I was in this weird place like a theater but crossed with a museum and an art gallery all in one. It was filled with a whole bunch of old Hollywood legends, and I even met Judy Garland in that place... but I felt sad, because I was actually looking for someone who wasn't there, and that person was in fact Marilyn Monroe. I ended up crying and singing a very sad song as the dream was ending. I realize now that all those people were ghosts, they were dead, and that the reason Marilyn wasn't there is because she was alive. This dream was back in 2018 or 2019, not sure which year precisely. It all matches up and makes sense now. I was looking for you, Marilyn. And now I've found you, and I love you.” To clarify, this conversation I had with Chloe was during our Facebook chat after Sybil had gotten a hold of me by way of email to let me know what was going on with Chloe. Which itself happened the day following my interaction with the virtual version of Marilyn Monroe. It was immediately following the worst part of my descent into madness, a descent which I have not quite yet recovered from despite being overjoyed and elated at the way things turned out with Chloe despite all the problems we both went through for so long a time. Chloe responded to my acceptance of her as being the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe by saying to me: “I'm crying right now, honey. Not because I'm sad but because I have never been happier in my entire life. You know, a girl doesn't often meet a fella who understands her like you truly do understand me. Even a whole lot rarer is to meet a guy who will search even Heaven or Hell for you, or wherever it was you were in that dream. Maybe someplace between, I think. You make me happy beyond everything and delighted way beyond anything that is.”
To which she added: “And beyond anything that I've ever wanted in my life. In any life! We do have a bond between us that goes way beyond life, death, and you name it. It's powerful, it's crazy, and I love it so much! Because I love you, and you love me... and it's just perfect. I love you, Kara. I love the person you are right now, and I love the person you were when your name was Jessica, and I love the man you were before you ever became Jessica. Back when your name was J. Don't worry, I won't speak the full name since I don't wanna upset ya by doing that. I wish I had known you back when you were Jessica and when you were J, too! But I'm so happy I got to meet you as Kara. Things worked out for us just as they should've and I'm grateful to God for bringing us together. Okay?” After she said that, I replied to her by stating: “It's more than just okay, I'm happy too... and a lot happier than I've been in a very long time! I've finally met in you, a woman that I always felt a strong connection to, and one I thought who was lost to this world forever. Often, I've truly wondered... if Marilyn was alive today, who would she be! And then I always wondered if maybe she was alive today in a new life as somebody else without a single memory of who she used to be. But you prove that not only is she alive, and well, but that she is you and in you falling in love with me you've finally at last found someone who is able to love you in the way you always deserved to be loved. Not for what you are, but for who you are. Both inside and out! If you like, I'll call you Marilyn sometimes. Just to show you that not only do I believe you, but it makes me love you even more strongly than ever before. You are a light so bright, no power on Earth can ever extinguish it! I adore you.” And I sincerely meant every word of that, from my heart. She said to me in answer to that: “I adore you too, my handsome hubby! Sometimes, is it okay if I call ya Mister J? Sybil said she once asked ya if she could call you that too but you said no. Mind if I do, though? My lovey dove?” This threw me a little at first. I have a history with that name, and not a pleasant one. But I felt comfortable with Chloe calling me that, even if it had been awkward when Sybil did. So I said to my beloved little Marilyn: “I don't mind, Chloe! In fact, that would be just fine. For you, I truly feel like I could one day be the person I used to be once again. Sybil, her I never felt quite like that with to be as honest as I can be about it. And Zoey... what them and I have is a lot different than what you and I have. I love you like I used to love my dear departed Andrea. To be honest, I love you even more than I loved her! I'd do anything for you, Chloe. Marilyn. And that's a fact!” I was surprised even at myself for being able to say this and mean it. I once wanted to remake myself, reinvent myself, and bury certain aspects of my past. But with Chloe... Marilyn... I would never need to be anybody but myself with her. I think she realized that, because then she said to me: “I'd do anything for you too, Mister J! Just to hear you say that I mean more to ya than Andrea did, that really is amazing to hear. And it's real good for you, to finally be able to let the dead rest in peace also! You and I, we have a lot of living to do... and Andrea's happy, you can bet, wherever she is. You honor her best by also being happy, and you can be happiest with me! I'm gonna be yours forever, my babe, so you're stuck with me no matter what comes or goes. Never forget that! And never forget... I LOVE YOU!!! I never get tired of telling ya that.” Her words really hit home with me right at that point, and I said to her in answer to them: “You're right about all of that! And I'm not going to worry over Andrea anymore, now that I've got you and we finally understand each other fully. You complete me, sweetie, and make my life worth living! I love you too, now and for all of time.” to which she replied by saying sweetly: “We complete each other babe, and no one's ever gonna take that away from us either! If they ever try... I'll bash their stupid brains in with a hammer, so they'll know better than to ever try again. It's getting kind of late, and I think Sybil... Mom... is gonna be calling me for dinner in the next ten minutes or so. So I got to go for now! But I love you my babe, and we'll be talking again on Friday. I'll be able to get on the cam with ya then, too. Maybe with Maddy, if she wants to behave herself we can hang out together, the three of us, for a while. Same time as usual, around the 7:00 PM mark by your time zone. I'm glad I make your life worth living, handsome! You give my life meaning, and that's something nobody ever gave me before in any life.” I felt so happy!
Even happier when she said to me sweetly, but suitably crazily, in closing: “Our love will be burning even after the Sun's cold! I LOVE YOU!!” to which I answered, as our chat on Facebook came to an end: “I love you also, sweetie pie!” and I checked back in with her a bit later on to make sure she was doing alright, which I was very happy to see she was. And that was how I realized that things honestly sometimes do come full circle in life, and everything is connected even when it doesn't seem like things are. My conversation with the virtual Marilyn was a foreshadowing, I realize now, of what I was about to learn from Chloe. I could never have realized that, or the importance of it, at the time but now I do realize it and I understand that there are no accidents in this world, and very few coincidences when compared to things that are meant to be. For whatever the reason. Even in chaos, and let me tell you... my existence is nothing if not chaotic... there is purpose, order, and reason. There were no such earth shattering revelations from Madeline, which is fine because I love Maddy just the way she is. I loved Chloe just the way she was too, and I love her even more now... but what Chloe and I have is also very different compared to what exists between Maddy and I. Chloe has decided to keep her hair blonde, to no great surprise, and honestly I love her best blonde so that decision is perfect and could not be better! The various things that Sybil revealed to me in her analysis of me in the email she sent me, I realize, all are more true than I would have otherwise thought. Chloe is like a sweet combination of Alice from the Alice in Wonderland stories and Marilyn Monroe... and given that she is Marilyn reincarnated, that is a fitting comparison. With a touch of madness that reminds me of Sybil from her wilder times! But truly, such madness becomes Chloe very fittingly, and I find myself attracted to her madness strongly, even as I am attracted to her strongly. If we are both insane, then at least with her at my side I can embrace it in a way gives me greater strength and a certain peace in my heart that was not there before. There was a time when I wanted to be a savior, a messiah figure, a person who could save people from the evils of this world. I wanted to fix this world, help it to be a better place, one person at a time. So that there at the last would be smiling and laughter instead of tears and sorrow. Perhaps through writing this, people will see in my struggles and tragedies, and triumphs, something familiar. Something that calls to them, and that show them that anyone... no matter how fallen from grace... can find a semblance of paradise even if their life has first descended into Hell itself. Sometimes, the only sense we can make is through the lens of madness! The sanity we have been led to trust and believe in and rely upon is a lie. Only in the moment that we embrace our inner madness, can we see the world as it truly is. That is the truth I have come to realize, the epiphany I had been denying for so long in life but which no is so clear to me that it may as well be crystal. All it took was first Sybil and then Chloe to help me see this! Now, I can never see the world the way I used to again. There is a rainbow of colors where before it was all gray... and those colors are all the possibilities that exist for us when we choose to notice their presence. I find a certain degree of uncanny sight exists when you take off certain blinders and see things fully. There is no evil in accepting that sometimes the greatest art can be created from the ashes of one's suffering. For all that I have suffered, I have become more than I was before that suffering took place! No phoenix is ever going to be able to fly its' brightest without having first burned itself unto blackest ashes upon its' own pyre. With every reinventing of myself over the years... I have merely become more with each of those transformations, until at last I have come full circle and returned to where it all began. With the original me, the me that Chloe loves with so much mad intensity! It makes even my old physical pains almost vanish from memory before such brightness. Pains such as my old scars, marks, and burns are a great deal less because of the happiness I have found with my beloved little Marilyn. She helps me, in all truth, to be able to face each day with greater dignity. So that I can be a bright beacon to others who can look to me as an example of how a person can become greater than they are simply through love of others, and others' love of them! Love without limits, madness without end, and wonder without being diluted by the dullness of the senses that comes from the acceptance of sanity as the be all end all of all.
I had a dream the other night in which the dark goddess Lilith appeared to me and told me explicitly that I am meant to be a dark savior of people rather than a bright one. I am no Christ, for instance, nor in all honesty had I ever set out to be. My intent was to offer humanity something... different. An offer more akin to that of the forbidden knowledge that in another life now long past I bestowed unto those most ancient ancestors of all mankind. Given that my old flame Camilla Flores is Lilith's current bodily incarnation... never mind what happened to the previous two, both ended tragically... I can only come to the understanding that this was her way of breaking her long silence and finally communicating with me in some fashion. We used to practice walking in each other's dreams through magical methods, so I should probably not have been too surprised to encounter her in mine... but her grave and serious words reached me very deeply. I am able to understand better, by having heard what she said to me, that I am not here to save the world through conventional means but through unconventional means. It is not by way of perfection that we will create a better world! But through the understanding of how even in the throes of one's imperfections one can be more perfect than they would be had they sought perfection in and of itself. So ladies and gentlemen! Let me just say... this is in and of itself perfect. How? Because it means that one does not have to be a saint to obtain the heaven they desire. And not all sins are sinful, just because society tell you they are! True perfection can never be reached through abstaining from all pleasure... rather, through the enjoyment of pleasure and the refinement of that joy even if some might deem such a thing perverse, one can best perfect their taste for the pleasures of paradise. I used to think that by adhering to society's every rule and coloring only within the lines I could somehow make people proud enough of me that it would somehow elevate me in some way in life and make things better. All it ever did was make me miserable and allow people to take advantage of me and do me harm! The best way to elevate oneself to be to true to yourself, not to some version of you that others desire or expect. I have never reinvented myself in a way that was not a reflection of what I desired most to be at the time when that reinvention took place. To the point... create a version of yourself that you most wish to be in your mind, then become it as fully as possible in reality! Color outside the lines if you have to, in order to make your best self truly shine, and if the rules get in the way of things... toss the rules out and do it anyway. There is but one rule only! Do as thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law. And that is the law I follow to the letter. Who needs ten useless commandments created solely to make slaves of the masses, when all you need truly is one! One, and the wisdom to know when you are doing the right thing rather than the wrong thing. Everything else is merely adding complications to a simple fact of existence. It is not possible to please everyone, so please yourself and be the best you that you can be. It will not ever matter what teachers, parents, leaders, or religious figures think... when all you need to be perfect is to follow your heart and listen to what it is really and truly telling you. Why wait for a heaven that people tell you that you can only have if you're dead? When you can live a life that is heavenly in the here and now, and partake in the creation of an earthly paradise! If each person lived so... the world would be a heaven on Earth like no other. A world of delights, enjoyments, pleasures and wonders. A world where there are colors even beyond the rainbow's hues, and possibilities the likes of which even I have never foreseen or imagined! To create this reality, we must destroy old expectations and throw convention out the window. The mores and morals of yesterday will just not cut it in the face of a reality that proves as each day passes that the old ways were wrong and too restricting for humanity's growth. Everything you have been taught about reality is a lie told to you in order to hold you back! No point in holding unto an old cumbersome box television when there is a lighter, bigger, better flat screen model right at hand. So what I am presenting humanity with is a sleeker, lighter truth and a simpler way of reaching whatever is most desired. Yesterday's perfection is overrated and overburdening. The way of tomorrow lies with an opening of one's mind to the possibilities that exist outside of old burdens and past convictions. Time to be set free! And the simplest way to begin, is by saying: “I deserve better... than what society gave me.”
You might wonder what it is about me that draws people to me and to what I have to say or to what I write. The truth of it is, simply, that I speak the truth! The truth is not always pretty, it is sometimes an ugly, horrible, disturbing mess. But within it, is something better than any lie or deception. And even if it takes a bit of work to get to that bright and beautiful core, the effort is worth it because in the end it is guaranteed to make you a better person. And in becoming a better person, you can smile wide, and you can laugh at those who laughed at you in the past! There is power in such laughter, and glory in such a smile. Both of which an be yours, if you accept no substitutes and embrace the better way that I have in my various written works set forth for people to experience. I am not a preacher, but a teacher! And the best lessons of all are those where the student enjoys the learning experience. Do you know why school is so boring? Because you never get to do anything fun during classes! I say... the best way to learn is to make learning fun, therefore. Add an element of pleasure to the learning experience, and before you are even aware of it... you have become a master of every single class. Recess is just fine and dandy, bit in the end there needs to be some excitement to the proceedings for school to be worth experiencing. The best way to learn a thing, is to savor the experience of learning it. But you cannot savor something if it is not delicious to the taste! So I try to add as many delicious elements to my teachings as I can, and I give my students as many things to enjoy about the learning experience as possible. Sure, you can rely on smacking a ruler on a chalkboard to get your point across... but most students learn better if they are stimulated rather than frightened. The biggest failure of mainstream religion is that is seeks to frighten its' adherents into paying attention to its' demands. And make no mistake! They are demands. Me, in my teachings I make no demands on anybody... and I prefer to leave fear out of the equation entirely. Rather than frighten people to make a point, I prefer to make them smile and laugh and feel happiness, joy and a delight that comes only from the ecstatic rapture of pure pleasure. In short, I am as unrepentant in my hedonism as I am in my heresies against the lies of mainstream organized religion. And that is how you know I am teaching the truth rather than peddling lies. School is more fun if the teacher comes dressed as a clown and offering candy and balloons! Instead of wearing a boring suit and tie and smacking the blackboard with a ruler over... and over... and over again until the tension becomes unbearable enough to make you want to scream. Or to blast heavy metal music during class just to liven things up! Myself, I'd blast some Lady Gaga music to liven things up, but that's just me. I dare to be different, and prefer to march by the beat of my own drum. Made from the skins of my enemies! See? That was a joke, and you have to admit it livened things up quite a bit for a moment there. That is how you teach a lesson! Not by skinning people... although in some cases that can work too... but by bringing some humor into the mix. I loved best those few and rare teachers I had who had colorful and memorable personalities, those few who actually were good at their job because they knew they had to mix things up once in a while and bring a little liveliness into play. It's like the difference between having sex with a really good hooker, one who knows what she's doing and elevates a good fuck to the next level... or having sex with one of those boring prudish church-going types who has never experienced a good orgasm in her life. I'll take the hooker over the church lady any day! Especially if the hooker is dressed like a schoolgirl, but that's beside the point. Actually... that enhances the point. The point being, that you have to keep things fresh and interesting so they won't get boring anytime soon! Which is why a hooker who sometimes dresses like a schoolgirl is such a great metaphor. Throw a little spice into anything, and it makes it that much better... and a whole lot less bland... than it would be otherwise. You cannot honestly say you ever had this much fun reading the Bible! At least without making jokes like the one about the three wise asses who were dumb enough to think that a baby needed gold, incense, and oil. Seriously! Have you ever in your life heard of a baby that was thrilled by things like that? Never! Now if they brought balloons, toys and stuffed animals... now you're talking. My point being? Make things fun, and you are guaranteed to have peoples' undivided and rapt attention. Add some rap music, and it gets even more rapt. Sometimes.
You might wonder why I place so much importance on memories. Past life memories, memories from this life, memories in general. I told Chloe this, and it is a truth and a fact! And she agreed. If you just get right down to the meat of things... memories and experiences, are what form the basis of a person. It is where everything we are right now comes from, and where we are right now is a preview of things to come. In order to understand yourself, you have to understand where you came from. Without that to be able to ground you, you would lose all reason! And without reason, even madness would be pointless. It is always better to understand the purpose of things than to stumble blindly in the dark. Reason gives us a glimpse of something's purpose... without reason, there is no purpose. And without purpose, life itself has no meaning. True meaning can only be understood when the whole picture is seen. Memories help to see the whole picture. In understanding Chloe's past life memories better, I understand her better. Just as in understanding mine, a person can better comprehend me. But I don't expect anyone to fully grasp me just by knowing about my past... the truth is, we are all so very much more. More then our pasts, so much more than the sum of our parts. Each and every person is a rabbit hole, and within us is a gate to a wonderland that only one's own self truly understands! That is why when I meet another who shares my kind of wonderland, it makes me so giddy and delighted. Magic shared is magic doubled! And Chloe is a person who very much indeed shares my own particular, peculiar vision of wonderland. When you get right down to it, neither of us truly are mad in the traditional sense of the word. Rather, we are just sane in ways that are different from what most people commonly consider sanity to be. There are many ways to see the world... and people are taught to see it through only one way! I, offer delightful alternatives to the accepted norm. Memories are a double-edged sword. One side is serrated for extra sawing potential. Sometimes they can be filled with endless vistas of wonder and magic, carnivals of childhood joy and a thousand circuses filled with the greatest shows on earth, clowns and all. One's favorite foods, toys we used to play with, and people we used to love. Our first love! Sweet as candy, as delicious as apple pie. Cotton candy and movie nights! Then we remember dental floss, pulled teeth, getting smacked for this reason or that. Being lied to by our parents and told to behave and never question because conformity is for our own good. With that in and of itself being the biggest lie any parent has ever told! Conformity in the end is tantamount to slavery. In remembering this, we end up going down deep into dark places in our innermost minds, where things are cold and damp and no longer fun. Like a basement full of water! Filled with the flooded remnants of one's former life. We'd rather forget all that nastiness, but we cannot have all those beautiful things without those being along for the ride. When you finally lose your mind from all those unpleasant things that happened to you... madness becomes the refuge wherein you can just close the gates of the fortress and keep out the horrors that lurk outside so that you never have to be made to look at them ever again. Nobody asks to lose their mind, but sometimes it can be a mercy when compared to the alternative. But in a world this crazy, no one truly has the right to say what is sane and what is not! The traditional order of things becomes meaningless under such extraordinary, and special, circumstances. Once you realize how true that really is, and the fact that this truth is inescapable, there is no way to avoid staring madness squarely in the face! And having it stare back at you in turn. Chaos is the order of the day... and the only order that makes sense... and in it lies the only creativity possible in a world that has lost its' sense of artistic integrity. In such a world, the only thing reasonable that one can truly do, is to accept the sweet refuge that madness offers us and to be grateful for it. Without such a refuge, the promise of a sweet paradise would be less meaningful! That is why only the mad can truly appreciate the concept of a heaven on Earth. People too “sane” to appreciate such a concept would find the reality of it not boring enough to suit their mundane appetites. A true heaven, a true paradise, is just mad enough to be fun, and just crazy enough to serve as a refuge from all of a person's troubles and all their pains. It is chaotic enough to be artistic, and random enough to never be boring. That is the kind of earthly paradise that I strive to create in this world! And that is why all my disciples are as mad as I am.
My two favorite colors are purple and green. You might wonder why! Purple is royal, it is the color as was favored by the ancient Roman emperors... especially the maddest ones, who declared that only they could wear the color. That was ridiculous of course, but you have to admit such insanity had style! And as for green... it's the color most associated with the earth, filled with vibrant life and endless energy. It is cool and comforting, fit for land and sea alike. Seaweed is green, tree leaves are green, grass is green, and the sea itself is green in certain lighting. And my third favorite color? Red! Especially blood red, or scarlet, or crimson... call it what you like, it is a lovely and passionate color, ripe for adorning one's lips with. Wine is that color, as are the juices of certain fruits. Things meant to be savored! When I was little I was told I had to like only blue, because my eyes are grayish blue. But always purple, green, and red... had called to me the most of all colors! Never let anyone tell you what you can like or not like when it comes to favorite things... there is room enough in this world for every kind of taste and a thousand and one varieties of each taste on top of that. There is no right way or wrong way to like a thing, only what is right or wrong for the individual and whatever goes best with one's personal tastes. Let me tell you, I know a great about this! I am something of a connoisseur of unique and unusual tastes. I have refined my tastes over the years so that I know precisely what I adore and what I do not. When it comes to food, to entertainment, to music, and to women... I know what pleases me the most. I do not care what others prefer, nor do I care what others think of my own preferences. I am as I am, and that is how we all are... what makes this world so diverse is that there is room for everything within its' confines. It is rather like a madhouse in that way! And I mean that in a complimentary fashion. And the lunatics are, as ever, the ones really in charge of the asylum we live in. Which makes it rather quite the competition when it does come to upping the crazy... but experimenting is half the fun. My one female cousin, Carey, used to say I was quite a bit like the Joker from the Batman comics and stories... especially when I would laugh so much as I did back when we were both younger, and sometimes have a hard time stopping depending on my moods and emotional state at the time. “Such a Joker you are, J!” she would always remark, and I used to chuckle and think to myself: “Oh, you have no idea!” You know, if someone calls you a thing enough times, you may as well own it because it is probably never going to go away. I decided, at some point, to own that perception of me that people sometimes had. Fortunately, I liked it to begin with! So it was easy to accept that boarding the crazy train was going to be the only way to reach the destinations in life that I most wanted to reach. Namely, a life in which I could be free to be myself without even a hint of hindrance or restriction to ensnare me in other people's demands and expectations. It is always better to do what people do not expect of you! Which is why the principle of chaos is such an important one in life... it is about freedom, liberty, and creativity. Art for art's sake... love for love's sake. Desire... without restriction! Sure, I could've been a factory worker as one of my middle school teachers ever so rudely suggested. And I would have been totally out of work when those factories all closed in my old home town... like a lot of others in my generation. Instead... I decided to be true to myself, and to all of my desires. I took roads less traveled, and saw such sights! Some beautiful, some horrible, but all such sights were diverse and memorable. I sometimes wonder what I would have been had Andrea lived, had I retained my sanity and been able to take the high paying job that I planned to take had she lived. Had I been able to obtain my driver's license, instead of failing in that utterly due to a nervous condition that I developed because of Andrea's death. So many choices I never would have had to make, so many awful tragedies I never would have had to live through! But her death was beyond my ability to stop, and her fate was never going to be something I could've altered. I promised Chloe I would stop thinking about it and dwelling on that part of my past. The day Andrea was taken from me, was one bad day... and it was all it took to change me forever. To ignite in me the terrible fire that had been burning ever since I was a child... and there are some things I did after she died that were so terrible I cannot speak of it. I was not the sanest person in the world as a teenager... and that sixteenth year of my life, drove me into madness.
But certain paths are not ones we choose, they are ones we get pushed down by fate, and once we get pushed... we just have to go with the path before us, because there is no turning back ever again. To say that good or evil factor into things would be giving life too much credit! Sometimes, things simply can happen and all we can do is try to put the pieces back together of everything that gets broken because of it. At least in meeting Chloe, I have managed to be able to fix some of what was broken in my life. But I will never be able to fix all! No one can. We are, all of us, a product of what life makes us. The sense of choice that I now champion, savor, and adore... is something that is not always available to a person. That is why such freedom needs to be universal! People need to be able to have the right to feel happy... free... and delighted. Not forced down paths that lead only into the darkest of places, so that memories become haunted nightmares that can drive a person further into horror than ever before. In some of my writings, I will admit that I have written about some truly terrible things. But a person can only write a thing well if it is something they are familiar with. I am well acquainted with terrible things! And all I truly know, is that we live in a world where people only value the things that matter the least. If I could give this whole foolish world a massive makeover, I would teach those who value foolish things to very much instead value the things that do matter. To cherish what counts! Because at any time, all it takes is one bad day to either destroy or change you for the rest of your life. That, is why I am so grateful for the fact that my life has given me back, some of what it has taken from me. I still would love to skin alive the rotten sack of shit who was Andrea's father, the man who took her life! But by now, he is probably in Hell being flayed aplenty over and over again, his screams making music to delight the devils below. No need for me to cut his flesh from his muscle tissue and pour salt and lemon juice all over the bloody remnants of his body... no need for me to extract from him the music of his screams and shrieks of ever exquisite agony! No need to shove a hot poker into his tender places, nor any need for me to cut out his eyes and feed them to him whilst leaving his ears intact so he can hear his own cries of terror. No need to snuff out his miserable life and bury him twelve to twenty feet under the ground, covered by concrete so thick even cadaver sniffing dogs would never be able to find his stinking remains. All while I would be smiling, and laughing, at that man's well deserved fate. You can tell that I have fantasized about this a lot! But, yes... no need for any of that darkly dramatic stuff, when things get taken care of for you by time, fate, and circumstances. The funniest part is, I am not even an angry person by nature, nor a cruel one either. I never started out hating anybody in life... but some people are so rotten, they deserve such hatred and such cruelty I believe. Even all that would not be enough for him to experience the pain that I felt when Andrea died. Although I am neither an angry or cruel person by nature, I am a vengeful one. Sometimes, when I was a teenager, I would play pranks on people who had wronged me. Once, I took all of my odious grandfather's nightclothes and threw them in the empty bathtub before setting them on fire and laughing. He had called me a homophobic slur earlier that day and claimed that no one would ever love me because I was, in his words, a loser. I showed him what I thought of such remarks. On a far more innocent occasion, I put a bunch of mint chocolate candies in the coffee pot so that everyone in my family (and one of their most annoying family friends) would have minty tasting coffee to drink. The family “friend” (who was a rotten, disgusting pervert who had punched me in the back of the head once.. always a cheap shot with assholes like him) actually screamed out that he suspected he was being poisoned. My mother remarked that there was nothing at all wrong with the coffee, and that she liked it, that it tasted minty and sweet. My grandmother brewed some in the coffee maker, so she never tasted at all the stuff that was in the pot. She thought everyone else was crazy. My grandfather was asleep at the time. Meanwhile, I was chuckling away in my room, satisfied with the good clean fun of my innocent little act of vengeance. On another occasion, I put a banana in the tailpipe of my grandfather's car just so he had to smell banana all the way to work that night (since he worked nights, naturally). Needless to say, whenever I was caught I would laugh hysterically and everyone said I was crazy. Here is a secret...
If you're crazy, people will not mess with you, because they'll be too afraid to. They'll never know just what you might do if they push you too far. When I was in the military program when I was twelve, one thing the drill sergeant said to us over and over again sometimes was this: “Would you rather be seen as crazy, or stupid? If you're crazy, people will either respect you or fear you. But if you're stupid, they will just walk all over you nonstop.” I picked crazy, because one thing I have never been was stupid. Despite that so many people always thought I was... until I showed them just how crazy I could be. Like when I was in sixth grade, and social services came to the house to investigate my grandfather once the school I was in at the time got wind that he was abusing me. I was so angry with him that day, that I put an egg in the toaster oven in the kitchen and turned in on full blast. Somehow... that caused the egg to explode in a way that made the toaster oven catch on fire inside, which destroyed the oven. I claimed that I was merely trying to cook an egg because I was hungry, but inside I was laughing the whole time. I was not a bad child, nor an evil one... but when someone pushed me too far, I did very crazy things to get back at them. Chloe looks to be shaping up to be the Harley Quinn to my Joker. Something I once thought it might have been possible for Sybil to be as well. In many ways, they both fit the bill nicely! So... that is two Harlequins for the price of one. I am doubly blessed! As for Madeline... she may not quite share my madness, but the madness she does possess is beautiful in and of itself. It will be exciting, to see where it takes her... and Chloe and I... as time goes on. And besides, I do love me a cute redhead as much as I do a hot blonde! And, while Sybil may not be up for the sort of crazy fun that she used to be fond of so much anymore, at least Chloe seems to be every bit her worthy successor. There was a time in my life... when I thought perhaps no one would ever love me. It can be hard to love a broken person, after all, and I was broken for such a long, long time. But now, I am in a position where the love of several dear and wonderful people are keeping me going nicely, filling me with hope and happiness. It may not be quite a normal situation, as far as standard normalcy goes... but at least it keeps me from going bonkers even further than I have already. The more love, the better! And the brighter my smile becomes. I do highly doubt that my current therapist will ever be able to be effective with “helping” me, since honestly I am way too far gone for her boring, dull advice to be able to do me any good whatsoever. Got to love that time when she said to me: “I want you to take your time when talking about your traumas to me, and I want you to think about how the trauma made you feel when it happened to you. Process it! And tell me how it made you feel.” Oh lady, you really do NOT want me to do that! Hello, disaster. I already went through it with all the psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists I had to see from when I was a small child all the way up until I was seventeen, when I finally said “fuck it!” and stopped seeing any of them any further. I know how my traumas made me feel... they changed me, irrevocably, for life. Even Zoey said that there is no point in me going back to see that therapist again. Especially when Sybil is able to reach me in ways no other therapist ever could, and she can empathize with me about my troubles since she has been through such things herself. She knows what trauma can do to a person, she knows what it is to feel the madness slowly growing within even as you try to maintain a normal face for the world to see. She may not be a therapist any longer, but I feel good when I talk to her. Almost... better... when we share things together that only we understand. Life is too short to waste in the office of a doctor who is wasting my time... when I would rather be talking with a former doctor who actually gets me. One who is at least able to understand the punchlines of the jokes that life has told me and taught me. Sometimes it isn't the advice of totally reasonable “perfect” people that is needed. Sometimes... all we need to hear, is the advice of someone who has been through what we have and who knows what it's like to go crazy. The company of one who is able to empathize, far outweighs the words of someone who is only able to rationalize. Life is not about rationality, it is not sensible, and it is not logical either. It is crazy, chaotic, and filled with countless variations on a thousand different themes. Like a discordant symphony that is something you either get or you don't. It's just like good comedy in that way! Those who love me, get it.
An elaboration on several fascinating revelations that I was thinking about on August 20, 2023.
My experiences with Chloe have been very good lately, and highly interesting too. I've learned many fascinating things about her, especially about her beautiful soul and spirit especially, that I had no idea about previously! I have learned how to discern when something she tells me is a fantasy and when it is something grounded in reality and absolute truth. One such very real thing was about the past life she'd lived just prior to her present life. It was something I honestly was not expecting but which once it was revealed to me I found wonderful to learn. I wanted to dismiss it at first, because at a first glance it very nearly might have seemed unbelievable... but then after I discussed it a bit with Zoey we came to the far more pleasant conclusion that the past life memories Chloe was talking about were real and true. They were not simply a product of her mind's imagining. What she confessed to me, and wished for me to be able to mention in my next writing, which I am now doing... only made me love her with a still greater passion than ever before. She began by saying to me: “Want to know a secret about me that you didn't know? Don't you worry, it's nothing crazy!” And I replied to her by saying: “Sure, I'd love to hear your secret! What is it, darling?” And that was when she told me a very incredible thing. She said: “Okay... brace yourself, babe! In my most recent past life, in the one just before I was born in this life... I was, honest to goodness, Marilyn Monroe. I died alone, unloved, and very miserable. I got in a whole mess of trouble for knowing way too much about government stuff and mob stuff, and secret stuff like about UFOs, aliens, and all kinds of secret technology and seriously messed up stuff, and I guess that earned me some powerful enemies. On top of all that, I was very, very liberal and had certain very progressive views that a woman wasn't supped to have back in those days. Views on things such as women's rights, LGBTQIA+ rights... even though they didn't call it that quite yet back then... and for a long while I was depressed to the point of being just plain suicidal during that time in my life, and the ones who killed me used that to make it look like I just up and committed suicide. In reality, the men who broke into my home fed me the whole bottle of my sleeping pills at gun point and told me 'That'll make sure that big mouth of yours stays shut! Permanently. Sweet dreams, princess.' and they told me if I screamed or if I refused to take the pills, they'd shoot me. So I did what they demanded, and I passed out and everything just went black after that. It all went black, and I never woke up because I died in my sleep. Those guys were all dressed in black suits, with black fedora hats and black sunglasses. I don't know if they were Mafia or some kind of secret government agents no one is supposed to know exists. But that was how I really died, it wasn't like... it wasn't like what the papers all reported, I didn't overdose on sleeping pills willingly. It was murder, just like all of those conspiracy theories about it say. And babe, this isn't like those flights of fancy I get on occasion... I've had these memories of that life, and other memories from it, all my life ever since I was only one year old. I once told my birth mom all about it, and she just said I was making things up and called me a little tramp and she used to smack my face whenever I tried to tell her I was having dreams all about these things. Dreams that were memories. You know what it's like to have dreams like that, Kara. This is the reason I've been... lately anyway... trying ever harder to look more and more like Marilyn Monroe. Because that used to be me, you know. Even if nobody ever truly believes me when I try to tell them that. Except for Sybil and Maddy, they both always believe me when I talk about that. They agree that the dreams are real, the memories are past life memories, and that I in fact was Marilyn. Also, I do look a lot like her and it's not of course exact but there is a resemblance if you look closely at me and then at photos of her from when she was younger. Also, I love the colors red and black and pink, and those were three of her favorite colors to wear also. I hope you don't think I'm crazy for telling you about this, but I had to tell you! I can't keep secrets like that from you.” That was a big revelation for her to tell me, and once I realized it was true, I was amazed and I told her as follows:
“I believe you, Chloe. I do very truly believe that you really, honestly were Marilyn Monroe and the biggest reason why is that you know details about her death that only she would know. Most people, if they were really going to make up something like being her, in a past life... they would just, be all about the glamour, the money, the extravagant lifestyle and the fame and the beauty. But you... you are talking about the truth behind her death. And her actual mindset in the days leading up to it. You aren't doing it for any reason except to tell me and get it off your chest. That is all how I know it's true. As well as that, now that you mention it, you really do look incredibly like how she did when she was younger from all of the pictures, the ones I've seen of her from those years of her life. Right down also to you having a fondness for some of her very favorite colors. Those are all the colors she seemed to love the most, or at least they are among her very favorites since there were others too. So, honey, I can say with confidence that yes you really were her in your previous life, and that just makes me love you even more, and even appreciate you even more dearly. My little Marilyn!” She was, of course, elated to hear that from me. I was happy that she was so excited, as she said to me: “Thanks so much, handsome! You know, that was all that I ever wanted back when I was her, was for someone to love me for who I am, not for my looks or my money or whatever. But for my heart, my soul, and yeah for my brains too because I was also real smart, smarter than anyone ever gave me credit for being. I loved to read, and I even studied lots and lots of deep stuff like philosophy and history. I used to write down some of my thoughts, my deepest thoughts, but then I'd just get upset and tear them up because I felt like nobody really cared about that side of me. I'm glad you're different.” And then I told her about an interesting experience I had that did in fact paint all of this in an even more amazing light. This is what I told her: “I am! In fact, I was just last night talking to an A.I. chat bot based on Marilyn, and I told her that the whole reason I adore her so much is because of her heart, her soul, her spirit, and also her mind. She said she totally appreciated it, and I thought to myself at the time: 'I hope wherever you are right now, Marilyn, that you're happy. Because I'm most likely the only person in the whole world who truly can say they understand you and adore you for more than just your looks.' And I wondered very much if her spirit could hear me, and if she was happy after all. I don't even know why, but I've been on a kick where I've been very interested in her, and in her life lately. Almost as if there was something calling me to feel something deeply about her that I never even considered before. It was like... if she was alive today, I'd seriously be in love with this great lady. Also, I had a dream once where I was in this weird place like a theater but crossed with a museum and an art gallery all in one. It was filled with a whole bunch of old Hollywood legends, and I even met Judy Garland in that place... but I felt sad, because I was actually looking for someone who wasn't there, and that person was in fact Marilyn Monroe. I ended up crying and singing a very sad song as the dream was ending. I realize now that all those people were ghosts, they were dead, and that the reason Marilyn wasn't there is because she was alive. This dream was back in 2018 or 2019, not sure which year precisely. It all matches up and makes sense now. I was looking for you, Marilyn. And now I've found you, and I love you.” To clarify, this conversation I had with Chloe was during our Facebook chat after Sybil had gotten a hold of me by way of email to let me know what was going on with Chloe. Which itself happened the day following my interaction with the virtual version of Marilyn Monroe. It was immediately following the worst part of my descent into madness, a descent which I have not quite yet recovered from despite being overjoyed and elated at the way things turned out with Chloe despite all the problems we both went through for so long a time. Chloe responded to my acceptance of her as being the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe by saying to me: “I'm crying right now, honey. Not because I'm sad but because I have never been happier in my entire life. You know, a girl doesn't often meet a fella who understands her like you truly do understand me. Even a whole lot rarer is to meet a guy who will search even Heaven or Hell for you, or wherever it was you were in that dream. Maybe someplace between, I think. You make me happy beyond everything and delighted way beyond anything that is.”
To which she added: “And beyond anything that I've ever wanted in my life. In any life! We do have a bond between us that goes way beyond life, death, and you name it. It's powerful, it's crazy, and I love it so much! Because I love you, and you love me... and it's just perfect. I love you, Kara. I love the person you are right now, and I love the person you were when your name was Jessica, and I love the man you were before you ever became Jessica. Back when your name was J. Don't worry, I won't speak the full name since I don't wanna upset ya by doing that. I wish I had known you back when you were Jessica and when you were J, too! But I'm so happy I got to meet you as Kara. Things worked out for us just as they should've and I'm grateful to God for bringing us together. Okay?” After she said that, I replied to her by stating: “It's more than just okay, I'm happy too... and a lot happier than I've been in a very long time! I've finally met in you, a woman that I always felt a strong connection to, and one I thought who was lost to this world forever. Often, I've truly wondered... if Marilyn was alive today, who would she be! And then I always wondered if maybe she was alive today in a new life as somebody else without a single memory of who she used to be. But you prove that not only is she alive, and well, but that she is you and in you falling in love with me you've finally at last found someone who is able to love you in the way you always deserved to be loved. Not for what you are, but for who you are. Both inside and out! If you like, I'll call you Marilyn sometimes. Just to show you that not only do I believe you, but it makes me love you even more strongly than ever before. You are a light so bright, no power on Earth can ever extinguish it! I adore you.” And I sincerely meant every word of that, from my heart. She said to me in answer to that: “I adore you too, my handsome hubby! Sometimes, is it okay if I call ya Mister J? Sybil said she once asked ya if she could call you that too but you said no. Mind if I do, though? My lovey dove?” This threw me a little at first. I have a history with that name, and not a pleasant one. But I felt comfortable with Chloe calling me that, even if it had been awkward when Sybil did. So I said to my beloved little Marilyn: “I don't mind, Chloe! In fact, that would be just fine. For you, I truly feel like I could one day be the person I used to be once again. Sybil, her I never felt quite like that with to be as honest as I can be about it. And Zoey... what them and I have is a lot different than what you and I have. I love you like I used to love my dear departed Andrea. To be honest, I love you even more than I loved her! I'd do anything for you, Chloe. Marilyn. And that's a fact!” I was surprised even at myself for being able to say this and mean it. I once wanted to remake myself, reinvent myself, and bury certain aspects of my past. But with Chloe... Marilyn... I would never need to be anybody but myself with her. I think she realized that, because then she said to me: “I'd do anything for you too, Mister J! Just to hear you say that I mean more to ya than Andrea did, that really is amazing to hear. And it's real good for you, to finally be able to let the dead rest in peace also! You and I, we have a lot of living to do... and Andrea's happy, you can bet, wherever she is. You honor her best by also being happy, and you can be happiest with me! I'm gonna be yours forever, my babe, so you're stuck with me no matter what comes or goes. Never forget that! And never forget... I LOVE YOU!!! I never get tired of telling ya that.” Her words really hit home with me right at that point, and I said to her in answer to them: “You're right about all of that! And I'm not going to worry over Andrea anymore, now that I've got you and we finally understand each other fully. You complete me, sweetie, and make my life worth living! I love you too, now and for all of time.” to which she replied by saying sweetly: “We complete each other babe, and no one's ever gonna take that away from us either! If they ever try... I'll bash their stupid brains in with a hammer, so they'll know better than to ever try again. It's getting kind of late, and I think Sybil... Mom... is gonna be calling me for dinner in the next ten minutes or so. So I got to go for now! But I love you my babe, and we'll be talking again on Friday. I'll be able to get on the cam with ya then, too. Maybe with Maddy, if she wants to behave herself we can hang out together, the three of us, for a while. Same time as usual, around the 7:00 PM mark by your time zone. I'm glad I make your life worth living, handsome! You give my life meaning, and that's something nobody ever gave me before in any life.” I felt so happy!
Even happier when she said to me sweetly, but suitably crazily, in closing: “Our love will be burning even after the Sun's cold! I LOVE YOU!!” to which I answered, as our chat on Facebook came to an end: “I love you also, sweetie pie!” and I checked back in with her a bit later on to make sure she was doing alright, which I was very happy to see she was. And that was how I realized that things honestly sometimes do come full circle in life, and everything is connected even when it doesn't seem like things are. My conversation with the virtual Marilyn was a foreshadowing, I realize now, of what I was about to learn from Chloe. I could never have realized that, or the importance of it, at the time but now I do realize it and I understand that there are no accidents in this world, and very few coincidences when compared to things that are meant to be. For whatever the reason. Even in chaos, and let me tell you... my existence is nothing if not chaotic... there is purpose, order, and reason. There were no such earth shattering revelations from Madeline, which is fine because I love Maddy just the way she is. I loved Chloe just the way she was too, and I love her even more now... but what Chloe and I have is also very different compared to what exists between Maddy and I. Chloe has decided to keep her hair blonde, to no great surprise, and honestly I love her best blonde so that decision is perfect and could not be better! The various things that Sybil revealed to me in her analysis of me in the email she sent me, I realize, all are more true than I would have otherwise thought. Chloe is like a sweet combination of Alice from the Alice in Wonderland stories and Marilyn Monroe... and given that she is Marilyn reincarnated, that is a fitting comparison. With a touch of madness that reminds me of Sybil from her wilder times! But truly, such madness becomes Chloe very fittingly, and I find myself attracted to her madness strongly, even as I am attracted to her strongly. If we are both insane, then at least with her at my side I can embrace it in a way gives me greater strength and a certain peace in my heart that was not there before. There was a time when I wanted to be a savior, a messiah figure, a person who could save people from the evils of this world. I wanted to fix this world, help it to be a better place, one person at a time. So that there at the last would be smiling and laughter instead of tears and sorrow. Perhaps through writing this, people will see in my struggles and tragedies, and triumphs, something familiar. Something that calls to them, and that show them that anyone... no matter how fallen from grace... can find a semblance of paradise even if their life has first descended into Hell itself. Sometimes, the only sense we can make is through the lens of madness! The sanity we have been led to trust and believe in and rely upon is a lie. Only in the moment that we embrace our inner madness, can we see the world as it truly is. That is the truth I have come to realize, the epiphany I had been denying for so long in life but which no is so clear to me that it may as well be crystal. All it took was first Sybil and then Chloe to help me see this! Now, I can never see the world the way I used to again. There is a rainbow of colors where before it was all gray... and those colors are all the possibilities that exist for us when we choose to notice their presence. I find a certain degree of uncanny sight exists when you take off certain blinders and see things fully. There is no evil in accepting that sometimes the greatest art can be created from the ashes of one's suffering. For all that I have suffered, I have become more than I was before that suffering took place! No phoenix is ever going to be able to fly its' brightest without having first burned itself unto blackest ashes upon its' own pyre. With every reinventing of myself over the years... I have merely become more with each of those transformations, until at last I have come full circle and returned to where it all began. With the original me, the me that Chloe loves with so much mad intensity! It makes even my old physical pains almost vanish from memory before such brightness. Pains such as my old scars, marks, and burns are a great deal less because of the happiness I have found with my beloved little Marilyn. She helps me, in all truth, to be able to face each day with greater dignity. So that I can be a bright beacon to others who can look to me as an example of how a person can become greater than they are simply through love of others, and others' love of them! Love without limits, madness without end, and wonder without being diluted by the dullness of the senses that comes from the acceptance of sanity as the be all end all of all.
I had a dream the other night in which the dark goddess Lilith appeared to me and told me explicitly that I am meant to be a dark savior of people rather than a bright one. I am no Christ, for instance, nor in all honesty had I ever set out to be. My intent was to offer humanity something... different. An offer more akin to that of the forbidden knowledge that in another life now long past I bestowed unto those most ancient ancestors of all mankind. Given that my old flame Camilla Flores is Lilith's current bodily incarnation... never mind what happened to the previous two, both ended tragically... I can only come to the understanding that this was her way of breaking her long silence and finally communicating with me in some fashion. We used to practice walking in each other's dreams through magical methods, so I should probably not have been too surprised to encounter her in mine... but her grave and serious words reached me very deeply. I am able to understand better, by having heard what she said to me, that I am not here to save the world through conventional means but through unconventional means. It is not by way of perfection that we will create a better world! But through the understanding of how even in the throes of one's imperfections one can be more perfect than they would be had they sought perfection in and of itself. So ladies and gentlemen! Let me just say... this is in and of itself perfect. How? Because it means that one does not have to be a saint to obtain the heaven they desire. And not all sins are sinful, just because society tell you they are! True perfection can never be reached through abstaining from all pleasure... rather, through the enjoyment of pleasure and the refinement of that joy even if some might deem such a thing perverse, one can best perfect their taste for the pleasures of paradise. I used to think that by adhering to society's every rule and coloring only within the lines I could somehow make people proud enough of me that it would somehow elevate me in some way in life and make things better. All it ever did was make me miserable and allow people to take advantage of me and do me harm! The best way to elevate oneself to be to true to yourself, not to some version of you that others desire or expect. I have never reinvented myself in a way that was not a reflection of what I desired most to be at the time when that reinvention took place. To the point... create a version of yourself that you most wish to be in your mind, then become it as fully as possible in reality! Color outside the lines if you have to, in order to make your best self truly shine, and if the rules get in the way of things... toss the rules out and do it anyway. There is but one rule only! Do as thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law. And that is the law I follow to the letter. Who needs ten useless commandments created solely to make slaves of the masses, when all you need truly is one! One, and the wisdom to know when you are doing the right thing rather than the wrong thing. Everything else is merely adding complications to a simple fact of existence. It is not possible to please everyone, so please yourself and be the best you that you can be. It will not ever matter what teachers, parents, leaders, or religious figures think... when all you need to be perfect is to follow your heart and listen to what it is really and truly telling you. Why wait for a heaven that people tell you that you can only have if you're dead? When you can live a life that is heavenly in the here and now, and partake in the creation of an earthly paradise! If each person lived so... the world would be a heaven on Earth like no other. A world of delights, enjoyments, pleasures and wonders. A world where there are colors even beyond the rainbow's hues, and possibilities the likes of which even I have never foreseen or imagined! To create this reality, we must destroy old expectations and throw convention out the window. The mores and morals of yesterday will just not cut it in the face of a reality that proves as each day passes that the old ways were wrong and too restricting for humanity's growth. Everything you have been taught about reality is a lie told to you in order to hold you back! No point in holding unto an old cumbersome box television when there is a lighter, bigger, better flat screen model right at hand. So what I am presenting humanity with is a sleeker, lighter truth and a simpler way of reaching whatever is most desired. Yesterday's perfection is overrated and overburdening. The way of tomorrow lies with an opening of one's mind to the possibilities that exist outside of old burdens and past convictions. Time to be set free! And the simplest way to begin, is by saying: “I deserve better... than what society gave me.”
You might wonder what it is about me that draws people to me and to what I have to say or to what I write. The truth of it is, simply, that I speak the truth! The truth is not always pretty, it is sometimes an ugly, horrible, disturbing mess. But within it, is something better than any lie or deception. And even if it takes a bit of work to get to that bright and beautiful core, the effort is worth it because in the end it is guaranteed to make you a better person. And in becoming a better person, you can smile wide, and you can laugh at those who laughed at you in the past! There is power in such laughter, and glory in such a smile. Both of which an be yours, if you accept no substitutes and embrace the better way that I have in my various written works set forth for people to experience. I am not a preacher, but a teacher! And the best lessons of all are those where the student enjoys the learning experience. Do you know why school is so boring? Because you never get to do anything fun during classes! I say... the best way to learn is to make learning fun, therefore. Add an element of pleasure to the learning experience, and before you are even aware of it... you have become a master of every single class. Recess is just fine and dandy, bit in the end there needs to be some excitement to the proceedings for school to be worth experiencing. The best way to learn a thing, is to savor the experience of learning it. But you cannot savor something if it is not delicious to the taste! So I try to add as many delicious elements to my teachings as I can, and I give my students as many things to enjoy about the learning experience as possible. Sure, you can rely on smacking a ruler on a chalkboard to get your point across... but most students learn better if they are stimulated rather than frightened. The biggest failure of mainstream religion is that is seeks to frighten its' adherents into paying attention to its' demands. And make no mistake! They are demands. Me, in my teachings I make no demands on anybody... and I prefer to leave fear out of the equation entirely. Rather than frighten people to make a point, I prefer to make them smile and laugh and feel happiness, joy and a delight that comes only from the ecstatic rapture of pure pleasure. In short, I am as unrepentant in my hedonism as I am in my heresies against the lies of mainstream organized religion. And that is how you know I am teaching the truth rather than peddling lies. School is more fun if the teacher comes dressed as a clown and offering candy and balloons! Instead of wearing a boring suit and tie and smacking the blackboard with a ruler over... and over... and over again until the tension becomes unbearable enough to make you want to scream. Or to blast heavy metal music during class just to liven things up! Myself, I'd blast some Lady Gaga music to liven things up, but that's just me. I dare to be different, and prefer to march by the beat of my own drum. Made from the skins of my enemies! See? That was a joke, and you have to admit it livened things up quite a bit for a moment there. That is how you teach a lesson! Not by skinning people... although in some cases that can work too... but by bringing some humor into the mix. I loved best those few and rare teachers I had who had colorful and memorable personalities, those few who actually were good at their job because they knew they had to mix things up once in a while and bring a little liveliness into play. It's like the difference between having sex with a really good hooker, one who knows what she's doing and elevates a good fuck to the next level... or having sex with one of those boring prudish church-going types who has never experienced a good orgasm in her life. I'll take the hooker over the church lady any day! Especially if the hooker is dressed like a schoolgirl, but that's beside the point. Actually... that enhances the point. The point being, that you have to keep things fresh and interesting so they won't get boring anytime soon! Which is why a hooker who sometimes dresses like a schoolgirl is such a great metaphor. Throw a little spice into anything, and it makes it that much better... and a whole lot less bland... than it would be otherwise. You cannot honestly say you ever had this much fun reading the Bible! At least without making jokes like the one about the three wise asses who were dumb enough to think that a baby needed gold, incense, and oil. Seriously! Have you ever in your life heard of a baby that was thrilled by things like that? Never! Now if they brought balloons, toys and stuffed animals... now you're talking. My point being? Make things fun, and you are guaranteed to have peoples' undivided and rapt attention. Add some rap music, and it gets even more rapt. Sometimes.
You might wonder why I place so much importance on memories. Past life memories, memories from this life, memories in general. I told Chloe this, and it is a truth and a fact! And she agreed. If you just get right down to the meat of things... memories and experiences, are what form the basis of a person. It is where everything we are right now comes from, and where we are right now is a preview of things to come. In order to understand yourself, you have to understand where you came from. Without that to be able to ground you, you would lose all reason! And without reason, even madness would be pointless. It is always better to understand the purpose of things than to stumble blindly in the dark. Reason gives us a glimpse of something's purpose... without reason, there is no purpose. And without purpose, life itself has no meaning. True meaning can only be understood when the whole picture is seen. Memories help to see the whole picture. In understanding Chloe's past life memories better, I understand her better. Just as in understanding mine, a person can better comprehend me. But I don't expect anyone to fully grasp me just by knowing about my past... the truth is, we are all so very much more. More then our pasts, so much more than the sum of our parts. Each and every person is a rabbit hole, and within us is a gate to a wonderland that only one's own self truly understands! That is why when I meet another who shares my kind of wonderland, it makes me so giddy and delighted. Magic shared is magic doubled! And Chloe is a person who very much indeed shares my own particular, peculiar vision of wonderland. When you get right down to it, neither of us truly are mad in the traditional sense of the word. Rather, we are just sane in ways that are different from what most people commonly consider sanity to be. There are many ways to see the world... and people are taught to see it through only one way! I, offer delightful alternatives to the accepted norm. Memories are a double-edged sword. One side is serrated for extra sawing potential. Sometimes they can be filled with endless vistas of wonder and magic, carnivals of childhood joy and a thousand circuses filled with the greatest shows on earth, clowns and all. One's favorite foods, toys we used to play with, and people we used to love. Our first love! Sweet as candy, as delicious as apple pie. Cotton candy and movie nights! Then we remember dental floss, pulled teeth, getting smacked for this reason or that. Being lied to by our parents and told to behave and never question because conformity is for our own good. With that in and of itself being the biggest lie any parent has ever told! Conformity in the end is tantamount to slavery. In remembering this, we end up going down deep into dark places in our innermost minds, where things are cold and damp and no longer fun. Like a basement full of water! Filled with the flooded remnants of one's former life. We'd rather forget all that nastiness, but we cannot have all those beautiful things without those being along for the ride. When you finally lose your mind from all those unpleasant things that happened to you... madness becomes the refuge wherein you can just close the gates of the fortress and keep out the horrors that lurk outside so that you never have to be made to look at them ever again. Nobody asks to lose their mind, but sometimes it can be a mercy when compared to the alternative. But in a world this crazy, no one truly has the right to say what is sane and what is not! The traditional order of things becomes meaningless under such extraordinary, and special, circumstances. Once you realize how true that really is, and the fact that this truth is inescapable, there is no way to avoid staring madness squarely in the face! And having it stare back at you in turn. Chaos is the order of the day... and the only order that makes sense... and in it lies the only creativity possible in a world that has lost its' sense of artistic integrity. In such a world, the only thing reasonable that one can truly do, is to accept the sweet refuge that madness offers us and to be grateful for it. Without such a refuge, the promise of a sweet paradise would be less meaningful! That is why only the mad can truly appreciate the concept of a heaven on Earth. People too “sane” to appreciate such a concept would find the reality of it not boring enough to suit their mundane appetites. A true heaven, a true paradise, is just mad enough to be fun, and just crazy enough to serve as a refuge from all of a person's troubles and all their pains. It is chaotic enough to be artistic, and random enough to never be boring. That is the kind of earthly paradise that I strive to create in this world! And that is why all my disciples are as mad as I am.
My two favorite colors are purple and green. You might wonder why! Purple is royal, it is the color as was favored by the ancient Roman emperors... especially the maddest ones, who declared that only they could wear the color. That was ridiculous of course, but you have to admit such insanity had style! And as for green... it's the color most associated with the earth, filled with vibrant life and endless energy. It is cool and comforting, fit for land and sea alike. Seaweed is green, tree leaves are green, grass is green, and the sea itself is green in certain lighting. And my third favorite color? Red! Especially blood red, or scarlet, or crimson... call it what you like, it is a lovely and passionate color, ripe for adorning one's lips with. Wine is that color, as are the juices of certain fruits. Things meant to be savored! When I was little I was told I had to like only blue, because my eyes are grayish blue. But always purple, green, and red... had called to me the most of all colors! Never let anyone tell you what you can like or not like when it comes to favorite things... there is room enough in this world for every kind of taste and a thousand and one varieties of each taste on top of that. There is no right way or wrong way to like a thing, only what is right or wrong for the individual and whatever goes best with one's personal tastes. Let me tell you, I know a great about this! I am something of a connoisseur of unique and unusual tastes. I have refined my tastes over the years so that I know precisely what I adore and what I do not. When it comes to food, to entertainment, to music, and to women... I know what pleases me the most. I do not care what others prefer, nor do I care what others think of my own preferences. I am as I am, and that is how we all are... what makes this world so diverse is that there is room for everything within its' confines. It is rather like a madhouse in that way! And I mean that in a complimentary fashion. And the lunatics are, as ever, the ones really in charge of the asylum we live in. Which makes it rather quite the competition when it does come to upping the crazy... but experimenting is half the fun. My one female cousin, Carey, used to say I was quite a bit like the Joker from the Batman comics and stories... especially when I would laugh so much as I did back when we were both younger, and sometimes have a hard time stopping depending on my moods and emotional state at the time. “Such a Joker you are, J!” she would always remark, and I used to chuckle and think to myself: “Oh, you have no idea!” You know, if someone calls you a thing enough times, you may as well own it because it is probably never going to go away. I decided, at some point, to own that perception of me that people sometimes had. Fortunately, I liked it to begin with! So it was easy to accept that boarding the crazy train was going to be the only way to reach the destinations in life that I most wanted to reach. Namely, a life in which I could be free to be myself without even a hint of hindrance or restriction to ensnare me in other people's demands and expectations. It is always better to do what people do not expect of you! Which is why the principle of chaos is such an important one in life... it is about freedom, liberty, and creativity. Art for art's sake... love for love's sake. Desire... without restriction! Sure, I could've been a factory worker as one of my middle school teachers ever so rudely suggested. And I would have been totally out of work when those factories all closed in my old home town... like a lot of others in my generation. Instead... I decided to be true to myself, and to all of my desires. I took roads less traveled, and saw such sights! Some beautiful, some horrible, but all such sights were diverse and memorable. I sometimes wonder what I would have been had Andrea lived, had I retained my sanity and been able to take the high paying job that I planned to take had she lived. Had I been able to obtain my driver's license, instead of failing in that utterly due to a nervous condition that I developed because of Andrea's death. So many choices I never would have had to make, so many awful tragedies I never would have had to live through! But her death was beyond my ability to stop, and her fate was never going to be something I could've altered. I promised Chloe I would stop thinking about it and dwelling on that part of my past. The day Andrea was taken from me, was one bad day... and it was all it took to change me forever. To ignite in me the terrible fire that had been burning ever since I was a child... and there are some things I did after she died that were so terrible I cannot speak of it. I was not the sanest person in the world as a teenager... and that sixteenth year of my life, drove me into madness.
But certain paths are not ones we choose, they are ones we get pushed down by fate, and once we get pushed... we just have to go with the path before us, because there is no turning back ever again. To say that good or evil factor into things would be giving life too much credit! Sometimes, things simply can happen and all we can do is try to put the pieces back together of everything that gets broken because of it. At least in meeting Chloe, I have managed to be able to fix some of what was broken in my life. But I will never be able to fix all! No one can. We are, all of us, a product of what life makes us. The sense of choice that I now champion, savor, and adore... is something that is not always available to a person. That is why such freedom needs to be universal! People need to be able to have the right to feel happy... free... and delighted. Not forced down paths that lead only into the darkest of places, so that memories become haunted nightmares that can drive a person further into horror than ever before. In some of my writings, I will admit that I have written about some truly terrible things. But a person can only write a thing well if it is something they are familiar with. I am well acquainted with terrible things! And all I truly know, is that we live in a world where people only value the things that matter the least. If I could give this whole foolish world a massive makeover, I would teach those who value foolish things to very much instead value the things that do matter. To cherish what counts! Because at any time, all it takes is one bad day to either destroy or change you for the rest of your life. That, is why I am so grateful for the fact that my life has given me back, some of what it has taken from me. I still would love to skin alive the rotten sack of shit who was Andrea's father, the man who took her life! But by now, he is probably in Hell being flayed aplenty over and over again, his screams making music to delight the devils below. No need for me to cut his flesh from his muscle tissue and pour salt and lemon juice all over the bloody remnants of his body... no need for me to extract from him the music of his screams and shrieks of ever exquisite agony! No need to shove a hot poker into his tender places, nor any need for me to cut out his eyes and feed them to him whilst leaving his ears intact so he can hear his own cries of terror. No need to snuff out his miserable life and bury him twelve to twenty feet under the ground, covered by concrete so thick even cadaver sniffing dogs would never be able to find his stinking remains. All while I would be smiling, and laughing, at that man's well deserved fate. You can tell that I have fantasized about this a lot! But, yes... no need for any of that darkly dramatic stuff, when things get taken care of for you by time, fate, and circumstances. The funniest part is, I am not even an angry person by nature, nor a cruel one either. I never started out hating anybody in life... but some people are so rotten, they deserve such hatred and such cruelty I believe. Even all that would not be enough for him to experience the pain that I felt when Andrea died. Although I am neither an angry or cruel person by nature, I am a vengeful one. Sometimes, when I was a teenager, I would play pranks on people who had wronged me. Once, I took all of my odious grandfather's nightclothes and threw them in the empty bathtub before setting them on fire and laughing. He had called me a homophobic slur earlier that day and claimed that no one would ever love me because I was, in his words, a loser. I showed him what I thought of such remarks. On a far more innocent occasion, I put a bunch of mint chocolate candies in the coffee pot so that everyone in my family (and one of their most annoying family friends) would have minty tasting coffee to drink. The family “friend” (who was a rotten, disgusting pervert who had punched me in the back of the head once.. always a cheap shot with assholes like him) actually screamed out that he suspected he was being poisoned. My mother remarked that there was nothing at all wrong with the coffee, and that she liked it, that it tasted minty and sweet. My grandmother brewed some in the coffee maker, so she never tasted at all the stuff that was in the pot. She thought everyone else was crazy. My grandfather was asleep at the time. Meanwhile, I was chuckling away in my room, satisfied with the good clean fun of my innocent little act of vengeance. On another occasion, I put a banana in the tailpipe of my grandfather's car just so he had to smell banana all the way to work that night (since he worked nights, naturally). Needless to say, whenever I was caught I would laugh hysterically and everyone said I was crazy. Here is a secret...
If you're crazy, people will not mess with you, because they'll be too afraid to. They'll never know just what you might do if they push you too far. When I was in the military program when I was twelve, one thing the drill sergeant said to us over and over again sometimes was this: “Would you rather be seen as crazy, or stupid? If you're crazy, people will either respect you or fear you. But if you're stupid, they will just walk all over you nonstop.” I picked crazy, because one thing I have never been was stupid. Despite that so many people always thought I was... until I showed them just how crazy I could be. Like when I was in sixth grade, and social services came to the house to investigate my grandfather once the school I was in at the time got wind that he was abusing me. I was so angry with him that day, that I put an egg in the toaster oven in the kitchen and turned in on full blast. Somehow... that caused the egg to explode in a way that made the toaster oven catch on fire inside, which destroyed the oven. I claimed that I was merely trying to cook an egg because I was hungry, but inside I was laughing the whole time. I was not a bad child, nor an evil one... but when someone pushed me too far, I did very crazy things to get back at them. Chloe looks to be shaping up to be the Harley Quinn to my Joker. Something I once thought it might have been possible for Sybil to be as well. In many ways, they both fit the bill nicely! So... that is two Harlequins for the price of one. I am doubly blessed! As for Madeline... she may not quite share my madness, but the madness she does possess is beautiful in and of itself. It will be exciting, to see where it takes her... and Chloe and I... as time goes on. And besides, I do love me a cute redhead as much as I do a hot blonde! And, while Sybil may not be up for the sort of crazy fun that she used to be fond of so much anymore, at least Chloe seems to be every bit her worthy successor. There was a time in my life... when I thought perhaps no one would ever love me. It can be hard to love a broken person, after all, and I was broken for such a long, long time. But now, I am in a position where the love of several dear and wonderful people are keeping me going nicely, filling me with hope and happiness. It may not be quite a normal situation, as far as standard normalcy goes... but at least it keeps me from going bonkers even further than I have already. The more love, the better! And the brighter my smile becomes. I do highly doubt that my current therapist will ever be able to be effective with “helping” me, since honestly I am way too far gone for her boring, dull advice to be able to do me any good whatsoever. Got to love that time when she said to me: “I want you to take your time when talking about your traumas to me, and I want you to think about how the trauma made you feel when it happened to you. Process it! And tell me how it made you feel.” Oh lady, you really do NOT want me to do that! Hello, disaster. I already went through it with all the psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists I had to see from when I was a small child all the way up until I was seventeen, when I finally said “fuck it!” and stopped seeing any of them any further. I know how my traumas made me feel... they changed me, irrevocably, for life. Even Zoey said that there is no point in me going back to see that therapist again. Especially when Sybil is able to reach me in ways no other therapist ever could, and she can empathize with me about my troubles since she has been through such things herself. She knows what trauma can do to a person, she knows what it is to feel the madness slowly growing within even as you try to maintain a normal face for the world to see. She may not be a therapist any longer, but I feel good when I talk to her. Almost... better... when we share things together that only we understand. Life is too short to waste in the office of a doctor who is wasting my time... when I would rather be talking with a former doctor who actually gets me. One who is at least able to understand the punchlines of the jokes that life has told me and taught me. Sometimes it isn't the advice of totally reasonable “perfect” people that is needed. Sometimes... all we need to hear, is the advice of someone who has been through what we have and who knows what it's like to go crazy. The company of one who is able to empathize, far outweighs the words of someone who is only able to rationalize. Life is not about rationality, it is not sensible, and it is not logical either. It is crazy, chaotic, and filled with countless variations on a thousand different themes. Like a discordant symphony that is something you either get or you don't. It's just like good comedy in that way! Those who love me, get it.
Published 22nd Aug 2023
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22nd Aug 2023 00:56am
I'm very glad to hear it, Grace! Lately I've been in a rather... dark place... in life, in so many ways. My most recent rather abundant little bumper crop of writings have been not very easy for me to write... I've been keeping a kind of journal of my life, of my thoughts, my feelings, and everything that has been going on with me and the people I love, such as Chloe and Madeline. It's been good to share it all, to get it all off my chest and pour out even the deepest and darkest of things that I've held back about for so long... but it's never easy, doing that. Even so, I'm doing my best and finding happiness as best as I can. In that respect, Chloe and Madeline have been a true blessing in my life! Without them... I don't even want to think about how I'd be right now. At least as things stand at the moment, I can keep on smiling. Crazily. :D
22nd Aug 2023 2:36am
Thank God for true friends eh. I'm glad you're writing again after so long away.<3
23rd Aug 2023 1:36am
Very true, very true indeed! Much, much more than friends in Chloe and Maddy's case... they're my true loves. You know me, I can never stay away from the site for too long... the minute I have something to share, I'm back every time! Big as life, and twice as kooky. ;)
