deepundergroundpoetry.com
Light
The mist this morn
is full of silvered sun.
The sight of it calls up
a memory
of how I wept when I was young
and torn in two by love
at being overcome
by all the light
that shone around her form
and face.
as she waved her last goodbye
to me,
beginning then
another of
the many body shudder losses fate
would gather from below, above,
into my life.
is full of silvered sun.
The sight of it calls up
a memory
of how I wept when I was young
and torn in two by love
at being overcome
by all the light
that shone around her form
and face.
as she waved her last goodbye
to me,
beginning then
another of
the many body shudder losses fate
would gather from below, above,
into my life.
Published 18th Jul 2023
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The author encourages honest critique.
25th Jul 2023 2:51pm
The first sentence, ending in "face", is all you need for the poem. The rest is superfluous. That first sentence as its own verse though is elegant and rich in bittersweet atmosphere.
25th Jul 2023 6:03pm
"The first sentence, ending in "face", is all you need for the poem. The rest is superfluous."
Thanks for your comments. But there was not another moment except when the woman I am speaking of was saying her last good-by to me that elicited the response in me that I tried to capture in my first sentence. So, to me anyway, the "rest" is not superfluous, but necessary to give contest to the first sentence.
Thanks for your comments. But there was not another moment except when the woman I am speaking of was saying her last good-by to me that elicited the response in me that I tried to capture in my first sentence. So, to me anyway, the "rest" is not superfluous, but necessary to give contest to the first sentence.
15th Sep 2023 7:47am
This really needs a re-write Baldwin. The first two lines sound like a Barbara Cartland novel.
🙏 Mo
🙏 Mo
16th Sep 2023 4:38pm
"This really needs a re-write Baldwin. The first two lines sound like a Barbara Cartland novel."
I wonder if you could give me some examples from Cartlan'd novels of how the first two lines of my piece resemble what she has written.
I wonder if you could give me some examples from Cartlan'd novels of how the first two lines of my piece resemble what she has written.
