a note I'll never send

All of my friends know your name
They grimace at the way my mouth moves to say it
And beneath the knowing look I sink into myself
I want to defend you so, so badly
Say that you've changed, that you've grown
But I don't know what to say in the moment
Because how would I know if that's true?
It has been so long since I've been around
Your presence is so different to me now
So different but so, so familiar to me
The shape of your smile... That laugh
But have you really changed that much?
They have all told me to not trust you
Saying that you're here because it's easy
How has it ever been easy between us?
We've never had sex so it can't be that, right?
Am I your Everest? Will you disappear if we did?
I don't know if I can trust you this time
Doubt you are willing to earn that from me
So I listen to my loved ones and step back
To love you is a form of self harm at this point