Alanis on repeat

I dropped the
glass I meant to
throw at you
when you walked in
and said the
shit you said

After all this time.

And the kind heart
that bled in your hands
when you said I was
going to stay the best
thing you every fucked up

Feels fucking rage-y

I wanted to let you
wrap around me while
I let the hurt out
the way you always did.

God you were good
at my wrath.
It matched yours.

But that moment
of beautiful closure slipped
a little,
skewed a little.

because

You.

Outta.

Fucking know.

Why.

You came with
empty goddamn hands
too fucking late
and didn’t like the
fact I…

I can love him.

And for the pain
And the passion

For the nights with
my sin twisted on your
altar, and our hot
black needs
played out in
dappled moments

For the way you
fucked me.

No goddamn metaphor.

For the way you
fucked me.

Fucked me
like the damned
like the damaged
like the truth

For that I
(deep breath)

Fuck.

Fuck.

I…. goddamn you.

My body is burned
from your relentless desire
and you have the audacity
to be hurt

because I gave your scars away.

Because I asked
someone else to
trace their patterns on my skin
until I fell asleep
to keep away the night terrors
(Of waking without you.)

I hit repeat on the last song.
Things look peaceful.

And you’re the one
who fucking left.

You’re the one
who fucking left.

I hit repeat again.
I guess I should
have born the cross
maybe stood it next the
creek where you keep your
heart safe
and buried mine
there in the woods

Maybe propped the cross up
in effigy of where
two unused
hearts died.

I guess I should have.

But I gave it away instead,
barely beating,
wrapped in a potato chip bag

since you never fucking wanted it

Your hands are close enough
that my skin twitches in
anticipation
and I can feel your
hurt in my mouth

I swallow hard
and lose the venom
and find truth.

I’m sorry.
For hurting you.
Because you hurt me.

I hit replay.

But you outta know
that you don’t have
to remind me

I can’t forget.