to a heart – from self destruction, with love

I remember falling all over myself
Just to be in your air space
Breaking myself into pieces
Just to get you to notice that I was bleeding too
Before I realised this knife was double-edged

Only a masochist finds a reason for pain
Ripping beauty to shreds
Before begging forgiveness like a worthless cretin
Pleading for mercy just to staunch the flow of agony
When it was I alone that lit the flame to a war
That would make passive-aggression look virtuous

And there is no noise as loud as the silence
Of words unspoken, asphyxiating on pride
When I refused to be the one to say
That one beautifully inadequate word
Over-used and under-meant

There would be no living without you
And though you chose to stay, I’d often turn
To homicidal musings when we came to blows of the intellect
And I’d leave you blue and black bruised
Grasping for words as weapons to strike me back

A self fulfilling ending would have been too much
Like failing to see a sunset
As it fell with majesty at my feet
Yet that was always my aim;
The perfect self destruction. If I was going down
I planned to take you with me

“Run, Forest, with a pocketful of chocolates”
Though there would be no hiding
When hearts don’t know distance or geography
Only the insanity of blood pumping through veins
In dysfunctional ecstasy that would only end in tears

From heaven to hell and back again
Between the curls of smoke lit from joints consumed
And mason jars of whiskey downed languidly
Under the pretense that enough band aids could hide
The bleeding I just wanted you to notice
When in reality, you just wanted to bleed to death
Alone, and make me watch… with love.

© Indie Adams 2012