deepundergroundpoetry.com
death machine
the stab paused the time flow and threw me away,
far away, beyond understanding of time.
and i was in shock, in frustration, in pain,
but second ago i feel fine.
with innocent eyes that are sink in cold blood,
she looked right inside of my soul.
with the taste of a blade, moment passed, pure red flood
i was loosing my own self-control.
and the knock in the door, realized,
and the second ago, he's surprised.
and i'm drown, consequence and regret,
and i feel like i'm nearing the end.
the historical moment, it destroyed all templates.
i could swear i've been watched by the saints.
i'm not hearing the judging, i'm hearing regrets,
my head's louder than anything else.
far away, beyond understanding of time.
and i was in shock, in frustration, in pain,
but second ago i feel fine.
with innocent eyes that are sink in cold blood,
she looked right inside of my soul.
with the taste of a blade, moment passed, pure red flood
i was loosing my own self-control.
and the knock in the door, realized,
and the second ago, he's surprised.
and i'm drown, consequence and regret,
and i feel like i'm nearing the end.
the historical moment, it destroyed all templates.
i could swear i've been watched by the saints.
i'm not hearing the judging, i'm hearing regrets,
my head's louder than anything else.
Published 12th May 2023
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
13th May 2023 6:10pm
I very much appreciate the gravitas and the attempt at digging into what seems like some very deep and supremely consequential life moments.
This was an impressive, brave share and very moving, when you sort of look behind the curtain, especially.
My only small recommendations that I see, are to correct the tense of some of the words you used ... Like 'sink' should probably be sunk (in how I read it, at least!) .. or plural forms = 'moment passed' should be moments passed ...'drown' should be drowning or I drown... These are only gentle suggestions...
(I usually read my poems out loud to myself, which is a great 'hack' and a wonderful way to really help correct countless errors, which I usually have a ton of!! 👍🏻)
Again, these are only suggestions that I saw to improve upon and not meant to be of ill will or any hurtful intent, it's only my hope to contribute to your further interaction(s) with us. I truly mean and want nothing but the best for your creative journey.
It's nice to have you here!
Thank you for sharing yourself.
Welcome to DUP
🌹💙-B
This was an impressive, brave share and very moving, when you sort of look behind the curtain, especially.
My only small recommendations that I see, are to correct the tense of some of the words you used ... Like 'sink' should probably be sunk (in how I read it, at least!) .. or plural forms = 'moment passed' should be moments passed ...'drown' should be drowning or I drown... These are only gentle suggestions...
(I usually read my poems out loud to myself, which is a great 'hack' and a wonderful way to really help correct countless errors, which I usually have a ton of!! 👍🏻)
Again, these are only suggestions that I saw to improve upon and not meant to be of ill will or any hurtful intent, it's only my hope to contribute to your further interaction(s) with us. I truly mean and want nothing but the best for your creative journey.
It's nice to have you here!
Thank you for sharing yourself.
Welcome to DUP
🌹💙-B
13th May 2023 8:09pm
Anonymous
- Edited Today 00:45am
21st May 2023 9:04pm
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
21st Jun 2023 10:20pm
your english is quite good
actually super good
you are doing fine with that poetry thing
keep going
actually super good
you are doing fine with that poetry thing
keep going
