Tactile embargo

Your large hands    
made me shiver  
when you slipped  
them under the little  
tank top I wore for bed  
   
Instead of your shirt  
   
I didn’t make eye contact    
when I told you I just…    
   
just need to get off  
   
and I’d rather  
you not …    
   
you not touch me    
right now.  
   
I didn’t want to see    
the set of your jaw  
so I stepped away    
and turned    
off the light  
   
I could feel the temperature change    
as you took off your clothes,  
like my body can sense  
your skin,    
can feel its heat    
no matter how much distance  
I wanted to force right now.  
   
I rolled my panties down,    
and strangely close to tears    
lay on the bed, shirt on,    
clenching the sheets  
   
you didn’t say a word  
   
found me with a light touch    
and checked to make sure  
I was ready for you.  
I felt your hands brace    
on either side of me,  
   
no part of us touching…    
   
just like I wanted,  
   
and you shoved in    
with a stroke that left me    
arching up and    
gasping for breath.    
You set a pace that    
made my traitor of a    
mouth cry out some  
inarticulate shit that  
sounded like your name  
   
You responded by    
jackhammering me inside  
until I came screaming,  
embarrassed and unsure    
why I wanted to feel like this  
   
and I wish I could blame reflex  
so I didn’t have to take    
responsibility for my own actions  
but fuck,    
I pulled my legs up to    
take you deeper,  
and gripped the back of your neck,    
breaking the shitty    
embargo  
on touch.  
   
On touch.  
   
You paused long enough    
to rip off my tank top    
and claim my mouth    
crushing our chests together.  
I came again,  
clinging to you    
like a life preserver in a tsunami,    
as the smell of sex flooded the room  
   
You made a sound in your chest, pulled out,    
and pulled me up to you roughly,  
so that we were on our knees    
pressed together in the dark.  
   
Why…  
   
I don’t know how to    
tell you.    
   
The scope of us is overwhelming.  
   
I can’t look at it all without utter terror.    
Short days, so very few days, morphed into something unique in the world,  
something epic,  
that really started    
with goodbye  
   
And I’m here utterly defenseless.  
Which isn’t fair    
because you are too…  
   
But I don’t know how to say    
that maybe if I practice    
not wanting you    
the way I do  
   
(my god how I want you)  
   
maybe if I practice,    
when we’ve come full circle  
then…  
   
Then.    
   
So I just say  
I’m scared.  
   
You kiss me again,    
slow,    
with enough tongue    
to make me weak in your arms,    
you pull us down    
so I’m on top of you.    
   
I lower on your cock,  
as you bring  
my mouth to  
yours again,  
   
as your thumbs  
brush the small  
wet tracks on my cheeks,    
   
as your hands    
read every inch    
of the truth    
on my body,  
   
and I shiver  
as you touch  
me inside