Ever wake up and wonder why?

Ever wake up and wonder why?
Another day under backlit sky
Nightmares follow into normal day
Following endlessly, just not going away.

Beaten, battered, broken and abused
All for someone desire that they enthused
Twelve years of age the torment started
Making me jealous of those departed

Two years went by with him whispering in my ear
Implanting “no one will believe you, trust me dear”
My mother the one that should have brought relief
Believed his lies & denial only added to my grief.

I was a rebel and never ever Mummy’s little boy
She turned her back on me being used as a toy
How could a mother not believe her child?
Can such a vast rift ever be reconciled?

For a perverted mans pleasure my body was torn
The Result a deep mistrust of humans being born
Even things that should bring joy like love
Remind me of being held down from above

Even after I ran away and found salvation
From it’s after effects I felt no cessation
To this day echoes of his voice I hear still
Memories floating back to me as he committed his will

If I trust you or let you in, forgive my quivering trepidation
And me seemingly constantly seeking affirmation
I’m damaged goods though I may appear whole
I carry this burden and a damaged soul

I do not want your pity or your sympathy
What has happened has helped shape me
I am not someone of whom I’m ashamed
But I trust little and events have left me maimed

Perhaps now you can understand a little more
If I suddenly roll back and bolt for the door
I’m afraid to let people within my comfort wall
Think it’s an inbuilt safety protection protocol