If The Spackle Fits

I am Sar Gumm. Recently graduated from a home correspondence embalming school. The Air Force uses B52 balmers.
 
The Gumms as a family of inbreeds and a long line of renaissance undertakers. We take our jobs seriously so don't fight the backhoe if you hear a knocking on the door. Business is slow because of the competition. We had to sell our 1954 Studebaker hearse to CarMax to help pay the bills.  
 
We take pride in using the best Home Depot drywall spackle to bring a corpse back to anatomically correct genitalia. People have been watching too much Oprah and dunking their Cheetos. I have it on good authority that Jesus does not recommend the Slice-O-Matic  
Each funeral is sponsored by the local carwash. If a Glockenspiel is not good enough for the music, then I will fart a rainbow for you.    
   
In fact, Johnny Cash mentioned the family in a song. Don't take your Gumms to town. Stay at home and pound possum to the ground round" Sort of makes me wonder if Johnny was becoming unhinged.