deepundergroundpoetry.com
5/4/2012 Thurs.
Today's been a hard hectic day.Felt ill.Meant to hang out with someone but they forgot.Tried to have a quiet night in watching a film but forgot to watch it and got distracted.Been feeling sad.I miss the comforts of relationships.The certainty you'll have someone to go home to on lonely,cold dark nights of walking home.Those are some of the hardest nights to be single.Going home to an empty bed is sad.Missing hugs,cuddles,kisses,friday night pizzas,coming home to someone,someone carrying how I feel.I miss tenderness,affection,emotion.That's the fucking spot,heart and core of me-Emotion.That's pretty much all I am.More so than logic,I realize these days.My fuel is emotion...
Also no girls seem interested in me.They're either single or ignore me in that sense.I thought I had it and I lost it.And in the past too I guess it's the same.How am I supposed to take that someone fell out of love with me? So far I've not taken it personally but right now I am I guess.I'll move out of it eventually.Just bullshit is piling ontop of me right now I guess mixing with not feeling great,apathy and feeling unsociable.Plus been feeling bit homesick,bit nostalgic.
Seems I'm prone to moan about absolute shite when I should just be happy.It's empty worries and brooding over stuff dead and gone.
Just feel kinda unfanciable I guess.I either don't get fancied or by people I don't want.Or I fancy someone I can't have.Or who seemed to want me but doesn't.Life is so fucking unfair.Everything is so fleeting and transitory.You have to enjoy things while they are.Even being newly single 2011 with plenty money in my pocket now seems like a fantastic hopeful fun time and it was and now is fun too in it's different way but I'm just brooding on shit loads of stuff that didn't hang me up before and I know it's stupid but part of me can't help it because this is what I tend to be like.And fuck knows why I'm spreading this shit over the internet like the proverbial blood and butter of my lifestory but it seems easier to spread it to a bunch of strangers than people who are close or to a fucking notepad where it'll be chucked in a cupboard.Don't want to burden people with this shit maybe.I know it's more bellyachin when I've done alot of it recently.Far too much.I need to stop being daft and get on with life,living day to day,having fun and seeing what happens.
I dunno why I'm bitching so badly recently.I have life pretty fucking sweet esp say compared to 2009 or life back home in Scotland.I enjoy so much being pretty self reliant.It is such a massive positive point for me, such an outward sign of me having my shit together.I've always been an independent person and this is on the way up to fully having my own place.I'm also liking being my own master(relatively speaking) I'm not answering to anyone's parents.Not answerable to gfs or parents.That much I do like about my current situation.I am a free spirit and I enjoy that with unimaginable relish.I really have forged a place in the world for myself,really have forged more than ever before who I am.Alot has changed but I'm glad of where I am.Things are not perfect-they never am- yet I am in a beautiful time in my life.It's not easy and as always there are hurdles along the way but good times have and are plenty.I'm more wanted by people than ever before.Me wanted! I've proven that I can be efficient,responsible,skillfull etc.I've proven that I can be creative and artistic.I've shown commitment,forgiveness,maturity.I've shown passion and fearless quest for justice.I've shown that I'm still the tenderheart I ever was.
I have a more Stoic or maybe(Cynic) attitude to life now.
Desire little- enough money to life comfortably ,fun times with fun people,conversation,travel,some healthy relationships.
Don't expect much of the future.Expect change good and bad.Life day to day.It could always be worse.It could always be better too.
I'm not sure if I'd say I'm an optimist.I'm not a pessimist.I do hope for the best and try to make the best of things.But maybe that's more a survival tactic that anything.I'm not sure.
It's weird how we can smile with all the horrors of the world.We can neither ignore them nor carry them 24/7.We need to strike the balance between caring about the world and never being able to be happy.
Happiness in the substantial sense, isn't something you pursue.It just comes.As does sadness.Happiness and sadness,both are fleeting.The thing to aim for is peace of mind, or as the Stoics called it Apatheia
Also no girls seem interested in me.They're either single or ignore me in that sense.I thought I had it and I lost it.And in the past too I guess it's the same.How am I supposed to take that someone fell out of love with me? So far I've not taken it personally but right now I am I guess.I'll move out of it eventually.Just bullshit is piling ontop of me right now I guess mixing with not feeling great,apathy and feeling unsociable.Plus been feeling bit homesick,bit nostalgic.
Seems I'm prone to moan about absolute shite when I should just be happy.It's empty worries and brooding over stuff dead and gone.
Just feel kinda unfanciable I guess.I either don't get fancied or by people I don't want.Or I fancy someone I can't have.Or who seemed to want me but doesn't.Life is so fucking unfair.Everything is so fleeting and transitory.You have to enjoy things while they are.Even being newly single 2011 with plenty money in my pocket now seems like a fantastic hopeful fun time and it was and now is fun too in it's different way but I'm just brooding on shit loads of stuff that didn't hang me up before and I know it's stupid but part of me can't help it because this is what I tend to be like.And fuck knows why I'm spreading this shit over the internet like the proverbial blood and butter of my lifestory but it seems easier to spread it to a bunch of strangers than people who are close or to a fucking notepad where it'll be chucked in a cupboard.Don't want to burden people with this shit maybe.I know it's more bellyachin when I've done alot of it recently.Far too much.I need to stop being daft and get on with life,living day to day,having fun and seeing what happens.
I dunno why I'm bitching so badly recently.I have life pretty fucking sweet esp say compared to 2009 or life back home in Scotland.I enjoy so much being pretty self reliant.It is such a massive positive point for me, such an outward sign of me having my shit together.I've always been an independent person and this is on the way up to fully having my own place.I'm also liking being my own master(relatively speaking) I'm not answering to anyone's parents.Not answerable to gfs or parents.That much I do like about my current situation.I am a free spirit and I enjoy that with unimaginable relish.I really have forged a place in the world for myself,really have forged more than ever before who I am.Alot has changed but I'm glad of where I am.Things are not perfect-they never am- yet I am in a beautiful time in my life.It's not easy and as always there are hurdles along the way but good times have and are plenty.I'm more wanted by people than ever before.Me wanted! I've proven that I can be efficient,responsible,skillfull etc.I've proven that I can be creative and artistic.I've shown commitment,forgiveness,maturity.I've shown passion and fearless quest for justice.I've shown that I'm still the tenderheart I ever was.
I have a more Stoic or maybe(Cynic) attitude to life now.
Desire little- enough money to life comfortably ,fun times with fun people,conversation,travel,some healthy relationships.
Don't expect much of the future.Expect change good and bad.Life day to day.It could always be worse.It could always be better too.
I'm not sure if I'd say I'm an optimist.I'm not a pessimist.I do hope for the best and try to make the best of things.But maybe that's more a survival tactic that anything.I'm not sure.
It's weird how we can smile with all the horrors of the world.We can neither ignore them nor carry them 24/7.We need to strike the balance between caring about the world and never being able to be happy.
Happiness in the substantial sense, isn't something you pursue.It just comes.As does sadness.Happiness and sadness,both are fleeting.The thing to aim for is peace of mind, or as the Stoics called it Apatheia
Published 7th Apr 2012
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