Why are traumas so hard to expel?

Its very easy to be consumed with an unforgiving energy, it is like a rare fruit, one that you know you're allergic to but instead you keep thinking how sweet it is going down into your stomach. But, whenever it's there it stays there, you start gaining weight that won't move until it's all cried out. Fighting hurt with hurt never amounts to anything substantial because 50% of nothing is still nothing.

I've been carrying around this hurt from the first year of this marriage and I keep searching for a reason to believe or trust his “I love you”. 2019 was the worst year in all my 31 years.

Patterns don't change unless the person decides to and I decided that this month dubbed January will be the last month of this trauma carrying. I've been releasing all the hurt and pain through tears ever since this separation and it's clear now that I am the problem. I carried the hurt with me while playing a character so well that I couldn't see anything exclusive about myself.

I lost myself in the act of faking it until I make it, deep down all I wanted was for him to say he was sorry and meant it while showing it through thoughtful actions.

This moment I feel good about a decision, then those concerns return to haunt me.
How can one get over a trauma alone?
I can't move forward, until I've truly forgiven for me and not for us.

I pushed him away because of the fear of reliving that day he stared me in my eyes and lied to me. I want to be vulnerable I want to submit but I struggle as an overthinker.
I can't fathom being someone’s unhappiness.

I'm dubbed ugly because of my personality and after proper self assessment being a monster doesn't even come close to how terrified I was of who I became.

I don't want to be this person anymore please help me expel my trauma.