when it is time to let go.

"Are you really doing okay?"    
   
...is what I want to ask her.    
   
Well, she might as well continue to be, anyway.    
   
Because, when you're at work, that's how one should appear--especially to colleagues that you don't speak to outside of the office.    
   
Feelings are only reserved for those that you truly trust, but one's co-workers aren't hired to be friends for life. The primary goal of being co-workers is that you should cooperate to get the job done. To achieve this goal, you must maintain steadfast relationships with them.    
   
The keyword here is "steadfast".    
   
You don't have to have an amicable relationship with your co-worker if you both realize that, above all, what matters isn't your feud filled with sideways glances and annoying remarks, it's getting the job done. Irritation comes and goes, but as long as the deadlines are met, it is a productive relationship, unwavering in its product.    
   
(Unless, your working relationships interefere with your mental and physical health, which, is its own uphill battle, unfortunately.)

But, what if you start to look for them, even when they are not around?    
   
What if, you can't help but stare in their direction, when they laugh, smile, or tell a joke?    
   
What if, they are also your supervisor,    
   
And they reprimanded you on something you shouldn't have done?    
   
How could you face them on Monday--or on any weekday for that matter?    
   
Across the office, I'd be helpless to do anything but worry upon them with my damaged gaze, while avoiding them because the fear of facing them is absolutely terrifying.    
   
Yesterday,    
   
I truly felt my self-esteem sink to the bottom of the trenches.    
   
It is the worst feeling to be criticized for something that you didn't even realize you did wrong.    
   
She couldn't bear to look at me after the meeting we had, the one where my mistakes were unknown to me, but blindingly apparent to my other colleagues, including her.    
   
I had such high hopes that on Friday, I'd be able to spend time with her, laugh a bit, then clock out so I could enjoy my weekend. Even when she asked if she could schedule a meeting with me on Friday, she seemed casually polite about it.    
   
Though, it was all in the name of saving face for me in front of the others.    
   
When I found out what the meeting was really about, the floor warped from underneath me and my chair suddenly teetered on a rocky precipice, eager to plummet into a never-ending black hole.    
   
I had to face her when I was at my most fragile state, but with her supervisor there, she wasn't there to comfort me.    
   
In that meeting, she had to finish her job as best as she could.    
   
And she did.    
   
In the workplace, there are always boundaries, visible or otherwise.    
   
We were hired as equals, but she moved up, and I couldn't.    
   
As soon as she was promoted, one of the first things she told me was that she promised not to "leave me behind", but now I know that she has to.    
   
If she doesn't, then, she'll never do her job right.    
   
Indeed, I want her to move up as high as she can, and go as far as she wants to. My turbulent storm of feelings have made it apparent to me how wickedly smart, innovative, charming and beautiful she is--I truly believe that she deserves the world to be given to her.    
   
So if she wants to stay in her current position, and if I want her to be happy, then the line has to be drawn between us.    
   
I will always know that she deserves to live a wonderful life.    
   
But, I just won't be by her side when she does.    
   
Truthfully,    
   
I don't really know if what I feel for her is "love".    
   
I tend to downgrade my sentiments to not much more than a long-winded limerence, to prevent myself from vomiting them out onto her in sporadic conversations.    
   
Perhaps, if I had the chance to spend more personal time with her, then I'd investigate what I feel, but obviously, that's not possible.    
   
I will never really know what this was, or how it could've went if we truly were treated as equals.    
   
As of now, I plan to hold onto this position until Spring starts, since that's when all the good jobs come out, then I shall move on. My heart aches far too greatly each day to stay put and pretend to be someone I'm not.    
   
I know that time will heal my sorrows, eventually.    
   
I know that it will.