Sweet Home, Tarnashun - Ownly_Human

Kin yo' gimme one fine explanashun of whuffo' yo' bobbed yer pecka' an' stuck yer granny's hairpins through it? It looks like a prickly pear. Jest on account o' th' gang at th' carwarsh did it, makes li'l sense. Yer givin' Cheetos a bad repeetayshun. How offen haf we told yo' t'pull yer britches up past th' crack of yer trimenjus ass? Ok, hiney! Fry mah hide! Stoopid is corntagious.

Yer 56 years old, takin' up ha'f our sin'le wide. Yer Maw wawked night an' day at th' lan'fill jest t'put yo' through car warsh skoo an' th' right way t'use a chamois cloth. We c'd haf had a V8, we had yo'. Eff'n yo' corntinue t'bob, yo' will stunt yer growth. When we had yo', we wanted noo bowlin' shoes an' a used Packard, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Ah cain't he'p it eff'n yer inbred, cuss it all t' tarnation. It's in our DNA. A li'l ruttin' is fine fo' th' goose. We is a close-knit fambly. Yer sister is mah uncle, by a Caesar indecishun. ah meant cesarian, as enny fool kin plainly see. It has nothin' t'do wif picklin' yer balls in watermelon likker. It disturbs yer Maw thet yer testicles is a hood o'nament on yer sister's 1987 Toyota.

Yo' need t'attend th' tabernacle wickiup an' lissen t'th' born an' raised-agin jibe talkers. Saved by th' remnants of Gato'ade. Th' guess speaker will be Howdy Doody. Also th' Mickey Mouse choir. Who's th' leader of th' club thass made fo' yo' an' me?
M-I-C-K-E-Y--M-O-U-S-E! Fry mah hide!"

Now yo' git out thar an' rut aroun' in thet gayrage an' find thet ole weejie board, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah bet yo' c'd cornjure up one of them thar demons . One jest might haf a spare pecka'. Eff'nfin he does mebbe he kin take them hairpins out an' attach it t'ya. Might look a fright but it's better than watchin' yo' sittin' at th' drive-in movie wif one of them lady fellas all kissin an' huggin, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Now hoof it outside an' he'p yo' sister. She's cookin' possum. ah knows we ain't got no grill but yo' kin pert near cook it on them hot rocks thass been in th' sun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Hell no we won't git thet salmaneller. We got yo' rabies shot last year.