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Lessons from an unloved body and a mad woman
I wake up in the morning sometimes to the sound of my own breathing, and I become envious and enveloped in a thick coat of hatred and love for myself each day.
It is so hard; trying to love everything about yourself, even the things society has told you to hate.
Lesson one;
The more I starve myself, the more the pit of hunger inside of my body begins to grow; the more animalistic I become,
It does not matter to me; as long as I am beautiful.
The loving comes afterwards, when salted almonds become flavorless and toast and apple juice become the craved.
The guilt comes afterwards, and the pinching of my skin until it turns black and blue comes with it, too.
Lesson two;
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling; willing my eyes to close so that I can slumber and dream of nothing but scales and dropped clothing sizes.
When someone asks if you are hungry, you will always tell them no; even when your stomach is on the inside screaming so loudly that your tongue feels as if it is permanently stitched to the roof of your mouth.
Lesson three;
People look at us with pity, and sometimes, it feels as if we will dissolve right before their eyes; but know that we never do.
The loving is so hard to come by; but when it does, it is magnificent.
It is eucalyptus scented baths lit by candles, and food so filling we remember what it feels like to be whole.
It is making our body feel so alive in ways that we never knew we could.
Lesson four;
It is the hardest thing; when the love leaves us.
When it seeps it’s way down the bathtub drain, or when it comes up our throats in the midst of the night when the sun himself has gone to bed.
But know that it will come back for us eventually, and the cycle will begin all over again.
The dying, the living, and the loving.
It is so hard; trying to love everything about yourself, even the things society has told you to hate.
Lesson one;
The more I starve myself, the more the pit of hunger inside of my body begins to grow; the more animalistic I become,
It does not matter to me; as long as I am beautiful.
The loving comes afterwards, when salted almonds become flavorless and toast and apple juice become the craved.
The guilt comes afterwards, and the pinching of my skin until it turns black and blue comes with it, too.
Lesson two;
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling; willing my eyes to close so that I can slumber and dream of nothing but scales and dropped clothing sizes.
When someone asks if you are hungry, you will always tell them no; even when your stomach is on the inside screaming so loudly that your tongue feels as if it is permanently stitched to the roof of your mouth.
Lesson three;
People look at us with pity, and sometimes, it feels as if we will dissolve right before their eyes; but know that we never do.
The loving is so hard to come by; but when it does, it is magnificent.
It is eucalyptus scented baths lit by candles, and food so filling we remember what it feels like to be whole.
It is making our body feel so alive in ways that we never knew we could.
Lesson four;
It is the hardest thing; when the love leaves us.
When it seeps it’s way down the bathtub drain, or when it comes up our throats in the midst of the night when the sun himself has gone to bed.
But know that it will come back for us eventually, and the cycle will begin all over again.
The dying, the living, and the loving.
Published 30th Dec 2022
| Edited 2nd Sep 2023
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Dear A,
For me, there is an amazing mix of pain and appreciation throughout this piece. Self love can be so elusive and you’ve expressed that so wonderfully here. The attention to detail is terrific with the inner turmoil, so relatable. H🌷
For me, there is an amazing mix of pain and appreciation throughout this piece. Self love can be so elusive and you’ve expressed that so wonderfully here. The attention to detail is terrific with the inner turmoil, so relatable. H🌷
1st Jan 2023 5:03am
