At the end of my rope (03-10-2022)

Again the pressure is building up inside my head. When am I going to snap? When will I reach my limit? I can’t hold this inside for much longer. My mind is racing, crashing against the walls I have built myself. Walls raised for protection, raised to appear normal, raised so I can function, strengthened by the knowledge of past borders I protected. Stretching the periods between outbursts. But knowing that it has been quite a while that it happened. The voices are driving me crazy. Getting louder each day and night. Unable to sleep properly, unable to think clear. Insomnia is driving me nuts. Tired all the time, exhausted because of all the questions, insinuations and accusations. Why won’t the voices cease their campaign against my mind? And if they won’t cease, how long will it take them to drive me completely insane? I can feel it coming, that feeling of dread and anxiety. That feeling I have felt so many times in the past. The feelings predicting that the next eruption could come any moment. I know how it goes, I know the phases, as if I have seen them with my own eyes. At first I become completely withdrawn from everyone. I have no more interest in anybody or anything. I can’t hear anything, I can’t feel anything anymore. Usually I try to feel anything at that point. Even if it is pain. It doesn’t matter. As long as I can still feel. Most of the times it ends in blood and scars. But that is just the beginning. The real suffering has yet to come. When the above solutions don’t have the desired effect it only becomes worse. My vision becomes dark, gloomy and my eyes doze off into nothingness. The voices become louder and more violent, more present and more distinct until they blur all together. At that moment I’m Staring at a blank wall or ceiling until I completely lose myself in thoughts and discussions inside my mind. After that I can’t remember anything that happens next. A black hole in my memory, one of many. Snapping out of it feels like waking up, violently. Confused, scared, sad and in disbelief. The first question I usually ask myself is the following, “how long have I’ve been gone?”. The second question is usually, “what have I done?”. Luckily for me I’ve almost always been accompanied by a good friend. She could answer those questions for me. But I’ve had times I was completely alone. That is a terrifying feeling. Not being able to know what happened while I was gone. Not knowing what I might have done. The first thing I would do is call that friend, not to answer the questions but to know if she was available to have a chat. To talk it off, so to speak. In the past I did not have this problem, I just did as the voices told me. And the screaming would end. But it led me on a path that would completely destroy me. I couldn’t take it any longer. This friend helped me to get professional help. I even stayed at her house for nights on end. Just to talk and try to control everything that was happening inside my mind. It did not always work out of course. There where moments that even she could not help me. I fear that I lost her forever because of that. We both have children, we both have partners. We have other obligations to fulfil. We have no more time for each other. And there have been times lately that I even ignored my own common sense just to stay away from there. I know I need to talk, I know I need to ventilate. If I do not do this it will only get worse until it’s to late. Then the only option is to lose myself completely. To give away control is something I can’t do without the proper protection en precautions. I need to make sure my wife and kids are safe first. It can’t happen at home or at work. But I can’t control it if it suddenly happens. I can’t stop it when it gets to that point. What should I do? What can I do? I can’t think straight anymore.
Please help me.