deepundergroundpoetry.com
Captain
Though not the master of one's fate, one may still be captain of one's soul,
This is what I have always been told,
You begin to fear that you are going to be alone,
No one to hear me whimper even to moan,
The essence of divine love is manifesting in your heart,
Honestly, this s where it all must start,
When you make an attempt to clean up your past,
The emotions you are feeling will no longer last,
While it is true that you can influence your fate,
You cannot control it, that is if it is not to late,
Life will spin out of control from time to time, I know this,
I just feel that I have managed to somehow miss,
We travel through lifes journey knowing trial and error,
Even though you may be captain of your ship,
Please just remember the love that you once had for me in your heart,
And know that with just this alone, you are already off to a very good start!
This is what I have always been told,
You begin to fear that you are going to be alone,
No one to hear me whimper even to moan,
The essence of divine love is manifesting in your heart,
Honestly, this s where it all must start,
When you make an attempt to clean up your past,
The emotions you are feeling will no longer last,
While it is true that you can influence your fate,
You cannot control it, that is if it is not to late,
Life will spin out of control from time to time, I know this,
I just feel that I have managed to somehow miss,
We travel through lifes journey knowing trial and error,
Even though you may be captain of your ship,
Please just remember the love that you once had for me in your heart,
And know that with just this alone, you are already off to a very good start!
Published 28th Mar 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
29th Mar 2012 8:21am
yep.
nice enough sentiments written here.I think some small alterations here and there might make it more readable.
See , with the A,A rhyme scheme that you hold most of the way through ,you kind of need to stick to it but you lost it on lines 13 and 14 so they stick out a bit.
If it were mine I would probably opt for the A,B.B.A or play around with different schemes as it would give you a little more scope on what you can say.
something like;
Though not the master of one's fate,
one may still be captain of one's soul.
At least thats what Iv'e always been told.
So I sit here and i mitigate.
You begin to fear that you're going to be alone.
No one to hear my whimpers or my moans.
Something along them lines just for some diversity and also to give yourself the feel of the other schemes for later writes.
Just suggestions you understand, not having a go at your poem.
hope that is of some help.
nice enough sentiments written here.I think some small alterations here and there might make it more readable.
See , with the A,A rhyme scheme that you hold most of the way through ,you kind of need to stick to it but you lost it on lines 13 and 14 so they stick out a bit.
If it were mine I would probably opt for the A,B.B.A or play around with different schemes as it would give you a little more scope on what you can say.
something like;
Though not the master of one's fate,
one may still be captain of one's soul.
At least thats what Iv'e always been told.
So I sit here and i mitigate.
You begin to fear that you're going to be alone.
No one to hear my whimpers or my moans.
Something along them lines just for some diversity and also to give yourself the feel of the other schemes for later writes.
Just suggestions you understand, not having a go at your poem.
hope that is of some help.
30th Mar 2012 4:42am
Thank you so much for the feedback. I greatly appreciate it! I do see what you are saying again thanks!
Heather
Heather
