deepundergroundpoetry.com
A QUICK DECISION
A QUICK DECISION
He saw her near a village well
where girls would take their jugs to fill
the cups from which their parents drank
and thanked the hands that quenched their thirst.
Her face shone brighter than the moon.
She was so sweet with tanned, soft skin.
Her sparkling eyes one arrow shot,
but that sharp arrow pierced his heart.
He asked her where she lived to go
and see her parents if she wished.
Her look could calm his drumming throbs
as her eyes were a little shy.
That shyness made him dance the way
that led him to her parents' cave.
They said,"Without her we can't live."
He said,"With her you'll have a son."
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
He saw her near a village well
where girls would take their jugs to fill
the cups from which their parents drank
and thanked the hands that quenched their thirst.
Her face shone brighter than the moon.
She was so sweet with tanned, soft skin.
Her sparkling eyes one arrow shot,
but that sharp arrow pierced his heart.
He asked her where she lived to go
and see her parents if she wished.
Her look could calm his drumming throbs
as her eyes were a little shy.
That shyness made him dance the way
that led him to her parents' cave.
They said,"Without her we can't live."
He said,"With her you'll have a son."
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Published 24th Sep 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 16
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th Sep 2022 00:25am
25th Sep 2022 6:39am
What deep ideas inside us that move our feelings and emotions and make us say, "This is how 'man' should be or shouldn't be" does this piece create?
25th Sep 2022 9:43am
25th Sep 2022 10:03am
I wonder how you can't find any good feelings in it.
1- His true love to her that depended on a true marriage and not on a temporal relationship with her.
2- asking the permission of her parents to marry her.
3- her submission to her parents
4- his saying he will be their son and offering himself to help them
5- his intent to form a family
Have you forgotten these values, Baldwin? Have your sexual drives taken you far from them?
1- His true love to her that depended on a true marriage and not on a temporal relationship with her.
2- asking the permission of her parents to marry her.
3- her submission to her parents
4- his saying he will be their son and offering himself to help them
5- his intent to form a family
Have you forgotten these values, Baldwin? Have your sexual drives taken you far from them?
None of the things you note are feelings, let alone deep thoughts that create inside of us the emotions that move "man" to say what, according to you, he should be moved to say.
In any case, is it truly the case that people who live in caves are villagers?
In any case, is it truly the case that people who live in caves are villagers?
25th Sep 2022 2:23pm
If the items l mentioned are not feelings, l wonder what feelings are to Baldwin. I think it is fruitless to answer you if you write in such a way. Silence is the best answer when you write to such a person.
The items you list are acts.
And you still have not answered my question regarding what the deep ideas are that this piece creates i**nside us**, not to mention whether cave dwellers are villagers.
And you still have not answered my question regarding what the deep ideas are that this piece creates i**nside us**, not to mention whether cave dwellers are villagers.
One of the issues that you've not addressed when you write about what feelings this piece contains is whether you've set them out with any degree of poetic art.
I note that these lines do not pass that test:
He asked her where she lived to go
and see her parents if she wished.
They are clumsily written since they do not say what you apparently think you have said, namely,
He asked her where she lived
so he could know
just where to go
to ask her parents
for her hand
since that is what he thought
she wished
that he would do.
And BTW, there's nothing in your piece that notes that the girl was submissive to her parents or that man had any intent to "form" a family, let alone that the girl's (cave-dwelling) parents were in need of help and that he wanted to see to their needs.
I note that these lines do not pass that test:
He asked her where she lived to go
and see her parents if she wished.
They are clumsily written since they do not say what you apparently think you have said, namely,
He asked her where she lived
so he could know
just where to go
to ask her parents
for her hand
since that is what he thought
she wished
that he would do.
And BTW, there's nothing in your piece that notes that the girl was submissive to her parents or that man had any intent to "form" a family, let alone that the girl's (cave-dwelling) parents were in need of help and that he wanted to see to their needs.
25th Sep 2022 4:28pm
Are you sure, Baldwin, that you want to ask all these questions whose answers are very clear, and you told me these answers. I don't know why l answer you.
"Are you sure, Baldwin, that you want to ask all these questions"
All what questions? And how many questions are "all these"?
" you told me these answers."
"these answers"? What answers (and to what questions) did I tell you?
" I don't know why l answer you."
But you DON"T answer the questions I ask you. You just respond to them with red herring remarks.
And BTW, I did not ask **any** questions in the message immediately above. I made ***remarks*** about how clumsily written certain lines of your piece are and noted that you did not say a number of the things you claimed can be found in your piece.
So here's another instance of how you read things into my messages that are not there. Leaving aside the fact that this is further evidence that you are as uncareful a reader as you are a writer, I cannot help but think that the reason you read things into what I write is so that you can give yourself ostensive (but false) grounds for justifying your ignoring and not dealing with the points I made about how and why you do not write well, not to mention how you do not live up to your own criteria of what a writing has to do if it is to be regarded as poetry.
All what questions? And how many questions are "all these"?
" you told me these answers."
"these answers"? What answers (and to what questions) did I tell you?
" I don't know why l answer you."
But you DON"T answer the questions I ask you. You just respond to them with red herring remarks.
And BTW, I did not ask **any** questions in the message immediately above. I made ***remarks*** about how clumsily written certain lines of your piece are and noted that you did not say a number of the things you claimed can be found in your piece.
So here's another instance of how you read things into my messages that are not there. Leaving aside the fact that this is further evidence that you are as uncareful a reader as you are a writer, I cannot help but think that the reason you read things into what I write is so that you can give yourself ostensive (but false) grounds for justifying your ignoring and not dealing with the points I made about how and why you do not write well, not to mention how you do not live up to your own criteria of what a writing has to do if it is to be regarded as poetry.
"Are you sure, Baldwin, that you want to ask all these questions whose answers are very clear,"
So far as I can see, the only questions I asked you to answer were:
What deep ideas that move us to say, "This is how 'man' should be or shouldn't be" does this piece create inside of us?
is it truly the case that people who live in caves are villagers?
Please show me how the answers to these questions are clear, let alone "very clear".
So far as I can see, the only questions I asked you to answer were:
What deep ideas that move us to say, "This is how 'man' should be or shouldn't be" does this piece create inside of us?
is it truly the case that people who live in caves are villagers?
Please show me how the answers to these questions are clear, let alone "very clear".
27th Sep 2022 8:40am
Hey, Joseph! This reminds me of folklore traditions, where morals were both questionable and valuable at the same time. I like the humbleness of the poem. I like it.
"This reminds me of folklore traditions, where morals were both questionable and valuable at the same time."
I'd be grateful if you'd name some of these traditions and tell me where they can be found set out in print.
"I like the humbleness of the poem."
I wonder if you'd be kind enough to tell me what you mean by "humbleness" and how it is displayed in J-Z's caged and rather prosaically worded submission.
With thanks in advance.
I'd be grateful if you'd name some of these traditions and tell me where they can be found set out in print.
"I like the humbleness of the poem."
I wonder if you'd be kind enough to tell me what you mean by "humbleness" and how it is displayed in J-Z's caged and rather prosaically worded submission.
With thanks in advance.
27th Sep 2022 10:40am
Dear Boyana,
Thank you very much for liking it. I am not surprised by that because your poems are also very serious.
Thank you very much for liking it. I am not surprised by that because your poems are also very serious.
"Dear Boyana,
Thank you very much for liking it. I am not surprised by that because your poems are also very serious."
Do you really think, as you imply here that you do, that this latest submission of yours is an example of "very serious" poetry?
Thank you very much for liking it. I am not surprised by that because your poems are also very serious."
Do you really think, as you imply here that you do, that this latest submission of yours is an example of "very serious" poetry?
27th Sep 2022 11:56am
The idea that a man could (or would) be so taken by the beauty of a woman and the way she looked at him when he first saw her that he instantly desired to seek permission from her (cave-dwelling?) parents to marry her is hardly a **deep** idea, let alone one that has the power necessary to compel **us**, as if helpless to do otherwise, to say "This is how 'man' should be”.
And even if it were a “deep one, , the idea still needs to be expressed verbally in a way that is not as poorly written, stupefyingly caged, and prosaic as your attempt to express it is for the idea to become as palpable and sensual as it needs to be to stir a reader’s emotions in the direction you say they should go.
And even if it were a “deep one, , the idea still needs to be expressed verbally in a way that is not as poorly written, stupefyingly caged, and prosaic as your attempt to express it is for the idea to become as palpable and sensual as it needs to be to stir a reader’s emotions in the direction you say they should go.
