deepundergroundpoetry.com
BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME.
BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME.
Where is the love that he would seek?
It is a flawless, pristine rose
which is not kissed by greedy bees
that suck from here and vomit there.
His heart is picky, hard to please.
He's fond of what's serenely clean.
He cannot touch a rancid part
supposed to be a private spot.
He's looked for long, but roses turn
so fond of kissing bees and flies.
The roses that are deeply pure
are getting few and even rare.
He's found the purest lips and eyes
abiding in that serene face
that wants to be a decent wife
and mum to such chaste boys and girls.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Where is the love that he would seek?
It is a flawless, pristine rose
which is not kissed by greedy bees
that suck from here and vomit there.
His heart is picky, hard to please.
He's fond of what's serenely clean.
He cannot touch a rancid part
supposed to be a private spot.
He's looked for long, but roses turn
so fond of kissing bees and flies.
The roses that are deeply pure
are getting few and even rare.
He's found the purest lips and eyes
abiding in that serene face
that wants to be a decent wife
and mum to such chaste boys and girls.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Published 27th Sep 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
28th Sep 2022 12:34pm
Very dear Boyana,
Thank you very much for choosing this poem to your reading list. It's a great help and encouragement to me which l'll never forget.
Thank you very much for choosing this poem to your reading list. It's a great help and encouragement to me which l'll never forget.
"The roses that are deeply pure
are getting few and even rare."
What your syntax here does is to give rise to the question "getting few of what".
To say what you presumably were trying to say -- but didn't -- you needed to have written "Roses that are deeply pure are getting fewer [day by day] In fact, they're rare".
In any case, is the idea that it's becoming more and more difficult for a man who is seeking a woman to marry to find one who is a virgin a ** deep one**?
And do you really want to present yourself as a man who thinks that the only way a woman has value, let alone can be upright and moral or "pure" and worthy of having and raising children is if she is a virgin until marriage? Why should your prudish and sexist standards of what makes a woman desirable, lovable, and worthwhile to be with be what "man" should be guided by?
are getting few and even rare."
What your syntax here does is to give rise to the question "getting few of what".
To say what you presumably were trying to say -- but didn't -- you needed to have written "Roses that are deeply pure are getting fewer [day by day] In fact, they're rare".
In any case, is the idea that it's becoming more and more difficult for a man who is seeking a woman to marry to find one who is a virgin a ** deep one**?
And do you really want to present yourself as a man who thinks that the only way a woman has value, let alone can be upright and moral or "pure" and worthy of having and raising children is if she is a virgin until marriage? Why should your prudish and sexist standards of what makes a woman desirable, lovable, and worthwhile to be with be what "man" should be guided by?
28th Sep 2022 2:44pm
I require not only from women to be virgins before marriage, but also from men not to have sexual experience before marriage as well. Look at the last line of the poem: "...and mums to such chaste boys and girls." And this chastity should accompany them both all through their lives.
"I require not only from [sic] women to be virgins before marriage, but also from[sic] men not to have sexual experience before marriage as well. Look at the last line of the poem: "...and mums to such chaste boys and girls." And this chastity should accompany them both all through their lives"
I wonder why you chose to focus on what you "require" from men as well as women rather than demonstrating that I'm wrong in what I said about how poorly a line in your submission is written and answering my question about how and why the thesis of your piece (i.e, how a man is [and should be] frustrated by the "fact" that virgins are becoming more and more scarce) is a deep one that has the power, no matter how it is set out in words, to move readers to feel intense emotions.
I wonder why you chose to focus on what you "require" from men as well as women rather than demonstrating that I'm wrong in what I said about how poorly a line in your submission is written and answering my question about how and why the thesis of your piece (i.e, how a man is [and should be] frustrated by the "fact" that virgins are becoming more and more scarce) is a deep one that has the power, no matter how it is set out in words, to move readers to feel intense emotions.
I want a woman who
is just like me:
one who
has unto this day remained
within a virgin's state
despite one's post-pubescent needs.
For otherwise
she is within my moralistic judgment
and my eyes
a piece of damaged goods
a soiled commodity,
impure,
a whore
so undeserving of my chastity,
my nuptial seed,
and oh so worthy of disdain.
is just like me:
one who
has unto this day remained
within a virgin's state
despite one's post-pubescent needs.
For otherwise
she is within my moralistic judgment
and my eyes
a piece of damaged goods
a soiled commodity,
impure,
a whore
so undeserving of my chastity,
my nuptial seed,
and oh so worthy of disdain.
