The Real Monsters o' the Deep

All's a sudden I woke with a country twang and straight shot up a-hollerin' in horror, what with each o' my body parts a-drippin' in a perspiration right unpleasant and such.                
                  
Till real slow-like I growed aware I won't actually in a world o' critters unnatural.                
                 
And that I done but woke up from a turrible dream to discover myself safe in my very own rental trailer home.                
                 
Like I was a Hollywood movie star but a-wakin' up from a turrible dream to discover hisself safe in a megahit thriller.                  
                 
And on seein's how in reality I was back home in Pitt County, North Carolina, with nothin' but the other natural critters, I directly gone on back under the covers after checkin' the bed out fer stink bugs.                
                 
Till on close to driftin' off to sleep agin, I right near fainted on a-bein' seized by the image o' Cousin Mary May Beanblossom, who won't but truly the most unnatural critter in the whole entire county itself.                    
                    
And who jus' like every other little Southern miss 'round these here parts done been proudly presented with her very first Pattaburp doll in The Pitt County Labor Institute on the second o' her poppin' out into the world.                      
                     
So's by the time Cousin Mary May near reached fourteen and gone and got herself hitched to Cousin Harry Ray Bloodgood--the freshly turned fifteen-year-old gas-pump attendant at The Pitt County Liquor Establishment--she done had more than plenty 'nough practice at a-pattin' and a-burpin' that there Pattaburp o' hers.                    
                     
And accordinly done learnt everythin' there was to know 'bout rearin' babies.                    
                     
But Cousin Mary May done been strangely foredoomed from the git-start when it came to baby makin', what with her first little one a-sufferin' from a fatal fetal complication, and her second little one a-passin' from a debilitatin' physiological defect.                    
                     
And then her third--if I recalls straight--gone and drowned itself head first at a right tender age in The Pitt County Public Cesspit.                    
                     
And them quintuplet childs o' hers was all o' four and three-quarters when they was each struck dead by leukemia.                    
                     
And that poor baby that done dropped out Cousin Mary May brainless got its skull bashed in when the followin' spring after the floods subsided, every last trailer park from one end o' the county to the other was obliterated by them series o' hurricanes.                      
                     
And none o' us folks cain't never forget the tiny, sweet pee-wee that along with Cousin Harry Ray's ol' run-down stole pickup truck jus' plumb disappeared one mornin' from The Pitt County Piggly Wiggly parkin' lot.                    
       
Later o' course there been that funny-like juvenile o' Cousin Mary May that straight gone to the electric chair over at The Pitt County Correctional Facility where he done been locked up for a-massacrin' that large mess o' campers from The Pitt County Christian Youngins Ministry.                    
                     
And then that other funny-like juvenile o' hers straight hung hisself on a-tyin' his britches up all together over at The Pitt County Correctional Facility where he done been locked up for molestin' that right unfortunate deaf-blind-mute with the amputated limbs.                    
                     
And then that other funny-like juvenile o' Cousin Harry Ray straight hemorrhaged to death after that there "Fruit of Adultery" got his sexual appendage clean sliced off over at The Pitt County Correctional Center where he done been locked up for a-violatin' all them troops o' brownies.                               
       
But on account o' Cousin Mary May all the time a-wishin' for a little Pattaburp to play with--why, that unearthly female jus' gone right on a-makin' more o' them ill-fated babies.                    
                     
Till ultimately The Bloodgood Family Plot at The Pitt County Ripe Green Cemetery done spread clear on past the Mason-Dixon line and straight on in to Yankee territory.                    
                     
And my intelligence!  Call me one lowdown dirty unreliable narrator if'n Cousin Mary May ain't but still sticked to fornicatin' even after she long gone menopausal insane and Cousin Harry Ray long died impotent in bed!