deepundergroundpoetry.com
Even so
It's been the static - music charging space between us from burnt horizon glory
through these heavy-lidded hours. Subtle leans, easy grins in our liquor-laden conversation
the brush and flirt of skin on skin's got my mind restless, turning over the pressures you'd shift
against my hips on the wet wall outside - see
You're interrupting the sway of the sync beats[strokes] in my head with your mouth, and
I hot flash to this deep red bassline resetting heart. beats. in the hall -
vibrations sending blood blazing south, your hands bringing rain
while peaks and straits bloom, giving my throat to the heat of your breath; smoke rising lazy
from the tip of my cigarette.
Inhale: the nicotine rides warm syrup waves down half-way
to where the music lifts when a riff takes me, and my words slide up the curves of your face
"two out of three"
as the hunting blade hangs, hidden, from my fingers
dancing red fairy light reflections
through these heavy-lidded hours. Subtle leans, easy grins in our liquor-laden conversation
the brush and flirt of skin on skin's got my mind restless, turning over the pressures you'd shift
against my hips on the wet wall outside - see
You're interrupting the sway of the sync beats[strokes] in my head with your mouth, and
I hot flash to this deep red bassline resetting heart. beats. in the hall -
vibrations sending blood blazing south, your hands bringing rain
while peaks and straits bloom, giving my throat to the heat of your breath; smoke rising lazy
from the tip of my cigarette.
Inhale: the nicotine rides warm syrup waves down half-way
to where the music lifts when a riff takes me, and my words slide up the curves of your face
"two out of three"
as the hunting blade hangs, hidden, from my fingers
dancing red fairy light reflections
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 19
reading list entries 5
comments 37
reads 1285
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
One big metaphor
23rd Mar 2012 6:15pm
I found it very different and i liked it!
Not much of a fan of "story poems", but i must admit i enjoyed it. Had to read it twice to absorb it.
Has a certain cool ease to it.
Can't wait to see more in the future!
Great job!
Not much of a fan of "story poems", but i must admit i enjoyed it. Had to read it twice to absorb it.
Has a certain cool ease to it.
Can't wait to see more in the future!
Great job!
0
re: One big metaphor
23rd Mar 2012 6:38pm
hey, thank you! this thing was a pain in the arse but overall, i'm happier with how it reads aloud than anything else. so glad you enjoyed it. [:
:)))
23rd Mar 2012 6:31pm
Giggity lol but seriously I enjoyed the not so subtle subtlties you incorporsted into this wave of recollective colourful blissness , so well put together , but still , yay :p heheh :)
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re: :)))
23rd Mar 2012 6:41pm
hah, well muchas gracias, diddi. it started out as a release write but i ended up having to bash it into shape. very happy you liked it, thank you for saying so.. especially with "wave of recollective colourful blissness" - love that! [:
re: re: :)))
23rd Mar 2012 7:08pm
You're welcome Jes , it sure shaped up well though and those writes that are ' intended ' for a genre , never go that way , they always take on their own identity leaving you then obligated to re-shape it into the mould it's more fitting to , so I get your drift Jes :)
0
yep
23rd Mar 2012 6:43pm
I like the way you take this from a strong descriptive beginning and work that strength right through the whole writing.
There is so much to take in here it's almost impossible to absorb all of it in the one read.
There is a kind of erotic feel to it also ,definitely sexy.
The ending also throws a sort of Black Widow thing into it all which in effect opens up possibilities for me as a reader to form my own idea as to what happened next.
I must say I really admire your openness to do new things with your writing.
Great stuff Jess !
There is so much to take in here it's almost impossible to absorb all of it in the one read.
There is a kind of erotic feel to it also ,definitely sexy.
The ending also throws a sort of Black Widow thing into it all which in effect opens up possibilities for me as a reader to form my own idea as to what happened next.
I must say I really admire your openness to do new things with your writing.
Great stuff Jess !
1
re: yep
and i have you to thank for checking over the fifty versions that didn't work at all. haha, thank you so much for that and for the comment. i was hoping to get this more detailed opinion out of you. [:
Comment
Anonymous
23rd Mar 2012 8:09pm
I sometimes think the mark of a great writer is to create an odd, disordered syntax which seems deliberate and beautiful, and not just the product of ignorance. This is such a work. The lines are strange, but they evoke the right emotions, proving that poetry is about music, not notes. A writer of a thousand years more education than you might not be able to produce a poem with this one's dark majesty. Thanks for the read.
4
re: Comment
23rd Mar 2012 9:38pm
that is so generous of you, Jack... it's valuable to know that i've got the right emotions coming out of it, but 'dark majesty'...that's just damn flattering. x
Dense
24th Mar 2012 1:10am
Wow that's one dense blizzard of words. One or two of them strung together in any other poem would tie the mind in a knot. To build the whole thing that way... I wouldn't otherwise thought it could flow.. but then it does. Word-flirting. I guess that's what it brings to mind. Calculated, dense and bawdy at the same time.
1
re: Dense
24th Mar 2012 8:52am
thank you so much! i wonder if maybe the words would have held their own weight if they were spaced out, or if they sort of feed off of each other the way they're placed... either way, i appreciate your keen insight into the mechanicals. thanks again. [:
LA
24th Mar 2012 8:00am
I adore it. You have upped your game and somehow, not saying you're bad merely your old writes were epic, this is a whole other level. It's stunning. The way you used the wet wall outside with hips made for a gorgeous head-jumble. Super.
1
re: LA
you're a constant inspiration, LA, thank you... especially for noticing differences in my phases. that really means a lot to me [:
out an about
25th Mar 2012 4:17pm
dig it..reads very easy, and love that you've conjured and worded an experience that i have known. at least for me you've confirmed that this sort of energy is andrgynous- yet can spawn the goosiest of bumps from male or female, thanks for letting me see a slice of the other half....
oh-'the two outta three'reference though, please eloborate?(normally id have no problem letting it go, it seems not to distract or disrupt in anyway, i just happen to have an ungodly obsession with the fraction 2/3,so yup im curious?)
oh-'the two outta three'reference though, please eloborate?(normally id have no problem letting it go, it seems not to distract or disrupt in anyway, i just happen to have an ungodly obsession with the fraction 2/3,so yup im curious?)
0
re: out an about
hey, thank you! that atmosphere can certainly enhance the mood, haha, glad you could relate. the feeling reminds me of thick, gentle waves - don't know why, but i do like it. [:
the "two out of three" reference was just to the idea that she feels he got her that time, snagged her in this little game they were playing; and, well... she likes to win. [:
the "two out of three" reference was just to the idea that she feels he got her that time, snagged her in this little game they were playing; and, well... she likes to win. [:
(Standing Ovation)
26th Mar 2012 3:48pm
"I hot flash to this deep red bassline resetting heart. beats. in the hall -
vibrations sending blood blazing south, your hands bringing rain
while peaks and straits bloom, giving my throat to the heat of your breath; smoke rising lazy
from the tip of my cigarette."
God those words just define 'Sexy.' I feel like this is so well-written that there is some hidden code to be deciphered within. Honestly Jacki, this is top notch, dripping with appeal.
vibrations sending blood blazing south, your hands bringing rain
while peaks and straits bloom, giving my throat to the heat of your breath; smoke rising lazy
from the tip of my cigarette."
God those words just define 'Sexy.' I feel like this is so well-written that there is some hidden code to be deciphered within. Honestly Jacki, this is top notch, dripping with appeal.
1
re: (Standing Ovation)
26th Mar 2012 3:55pm
so kind, PTM, thank you! it's fantastic seeing your words 'round here you know; having you pop in and add things to your reading list. [:
re: re: (Standing Ovation)
26th Mar 2012 3:59pm
It's a very personal thing. I have a hard time feeling like I'm part of this place when I am not contributing myself. Taking and not giving back so to speak. But I still drop in every now and again and find jewels like this.
0
re: re: re: (Standing Ovation)
26th Mar 2012 4:06pm
i completely understand, my friend... even so. it is lovely to see you, and thank you again, x100 [:
re: re: re: re: (Standing Ovation)
27th Mar 2012 4:59am
hahahaha you said "even so" in a comment on your poem 'Even So.' Ohhhhhhhh.
0
re: re: re: re: re: (Standing Ovation)
27th Mar 2012 8:02am
Rhythm
26th Mar 2012 9:21pm
re: Rhythm
26th Mar 2012 9:58pm
ah well, this one was definitely meant to be read aloud...i'd thought of putting audio with it and still may do at some point but it makes me happy you could pull it out yourself; thank you much! [:
Distortion
Anonymous
27th Mar 2012 10:31am
A truly beautiful read, J. Going through it again and again evokes (for me) stunted memories and hazy thoughts of times long-gone. The last section is particularly jarring, but still remarkably beautiful.
0
re: Distortion
27th Mar 2012 3:38pm
'eey! Cthonian, i thank you... i figured you music people might have had this enhanced experience. the way it surrounds us, wraps us with the substance makes it all a different story. great to have your take, good sir. [:
re: well
27th Mar 2012 4:11pm
obviously, as it was clearly borrowing some of your style elements. thank you! so glad you approve. [:
A movie!
28th Mar 2012 11:10am
Pulp Fiction popped into my brain with the first paragraph but the cigarette takes me back to Dylan going electric, (at least what I have read about it) before it was a crime to smoke in the clubs. Big time nostalgic feel for me.
0
re: A movie!
awesome! glad i could pull out some classic memories...as bad as smoking is for the general public, i loved the smoke in the bars/clubs. it added a lot to the atmosphere for me. thanks for leaving your thoughts, JM. [:
ARE YOU PUBLISHED YET?
Anonymous
3rd Apr 2012 00:25am
I have not yet seen so many comments for one poem...so quickly...you are obviously writing excellent poetry and I congratulate you on that.
0
re: ARE YOU PUBLISHED YET?
3rd Apr 2012 9:57am
well, i'm not quite ready for publishing yet, but i'm working up to it hopefully. [:
thanks for reading, Kitty. [:
thanks for reading, Kitty. [:
Its a little Mixed up in places but
Inhale: the nicotine rides warm syrup waves down half-way
to where the music lifts when a riff takes me, and my words slide up the curves of your face
"two out of three"
as the hunting blade hangs, hidden, from my fingers
dancing red fairy light reflections
Its a little Mixed up in places but its a
cooly written piece of poetical Art...
Good one kitty.... x
to where the music lifts when a riff takes me, and my words slide up the curves of your face
"two out of three"
as the hunting blade hangs, hidden, from my fingers
dancing red fairy light reflections
Its a little Mixed up in places but its a
cooly written piece of poetical Art...
Good one kitty.... x
0
re: Its a little Mixed up in places but
7th Apr 2012 9:51am
thanks for the read and comment, Eamon; if you'd care to be specific, i would like to be able to see where it's confusing for you (and maybe others). if not, no worries. [:
Awesome :-)
Anonymous
5th May 2012 00:37am
I love it-so descriptive and free flowing-a great read, thank's, peace, Miki
0
re: Awesome :-)
5th May 2012 9:31am