My Eternal Face

[A collection of shells in my pocket] You might consider 'sea shells'; I had the image of shot gun shells, then had to re-read and attempt to adjust the picture in my head.

If you eliminate some of your unnecessary articles & pronouns 'and these' in L5, 'and these' in L6, maybe turn L7 into "destructive creation" it would help the natural flow you wish to convey as befitting of the sea. I suggest employing similar tactics through the entire piece, as well as striking [Vibrant clouds that won’t give chase]. That line interrupts your continuity.

You seem to be attempting to overlap the sea as a metaphor, but since it seems to be construed both as a natural force, the force of an evolving soul, and as the populace at large (Another face in the sea) I feel that some of what you wish to say is obscured in the mash.

I did enjoy the poem overall, though. If you spent a little time tweaking the innards this could be a wonderfully evocative piece.

First off, thanks for reading, and the critique. I wrote this piece nearly 3 years ago while I was in high school and just getting into poetry, and looking back at it, it most definitely shows in the basic execution. The poem has a rather large schism directly at the line you'd suggested to strike off, and these two halves should have become separate poems, rather than leaving two barely formed ideas. I do remember trying to portray a sense of ambiguity in the first half, and then it seems I rushed to a conclusion on another train of thought on a whim. If you'd be so obliged, I would love for you to do the same with more recent works of mine :)

Thanks

I agree with the sentiment above about the makings of a good poem.  I think the bones are right but the flesh needs to be rearranged a little.

I think that on line two, you mean "too" as in, "I'm coming as well", at least that's how I read it.

Thanks for the read. As I mentioned in reply to the previous post, this is quite an old poem (~3 years), but I do remember it was indeed meant to be "to" and not "too", as in "I'm becoming conscious". Evoke a man with amnesia about his past life waking up on the shore, but possessing a sudden and vast understanding of how different pieces of the world fit together around him, and a certain omnipotence in this knowledge. That's what I get out of this now, putting together some recollection of my intent and just how it reads to me. I may come back sometime and rewrite this piece, but for now it remains buried. I would appreciate if you checked out some of my newer work, where critique remains very relevant :)

Thanks

Oh I see.  It was the "wait, wait, wait" that confused me, like the person was talking to someone, saying "wait for me, I'm coming too".

Anyway, just because something is old doesn't it mean it shouldn't be visited (revisited) once in a while. :)  I didn't purposely pick this poem, it was picked for me (by way of the Reading Challenge).  I shall endeavor to view some of your more recent work. :)

Good luck!