a series of moments make a person

I don't know how to live in the moment
and spend too much time ruminating
about a future I that isn't here
and I can't find the silver lining of
and fighting a past I don't know how
to let go of

I fight to find peace between
the anxiety attacks
I can only temporarily
talk myself out of

So I play soccor with my toddler
build one of two tiny goals
that Mr 2 can't grasp the concept of
and thinks we're playing
volleyball instead

I find pens in the other unbuilt goal
and smile that my kiddo can find
fun in anything

I take photos to forget myself
wash half the dishes
sing nursery rhymes
and be a tickle monster

I try and read a book
but I can't disengage
I want something wholesomely boring
and I don't think The Hobbit
is going to give me the lacklustre vibes
I'm looking for
cause I'm not up for an adventure today

I try not to think about
the shadow on my dad's lung

Or how one of my best friends
got drunk and fucked her ex
after he shot a guy for flirting with her
while he was in prison

(I was relieved this morning
when I woke up to her messages
letting me know she's still alive
but that that her ex is on the run
from the cops again
for crashing another stolen car)

And I wonder about my sanity
and how I always manage
to love fucked up people
on all sides of the spectrum

I hate that I'm one degree
of separation from being able
to acquire a gun
in a country where ownership
is heavily regulated

It reminds me of the time
one of my partner's friend's got wasted
and threatened to shoot up my family
because of some stupid drunken misunderstanding

It minds me of 9th grade
(before September 11)
and a couple of boys threatened
to blow up my house
and kill my family
in their sleep
for reasons I'll never understand
and I was the one who had to change schools

It reminds me of how one of my ex's
nearly punched me cause I stole
his beanie one cold morning
while I was in a playful mood

It reminds me of...
too many things

And as far as I run
I'm reminded I'm never
too far away from trouble
when all I want is a boring life
where I can play soccor
in my backyard
take photographs my boring town
and read books without being
scared there is too much
adventure in their fictional pages

© Indie Adams 2022