BACK TO RETRO REVERSE INTROVERSION AGAIN       (12:00am, 5-16-2022, Palm Springs, California)

     
ive so unsettlingly      
noticed      
increasingly      
over these last      
four or five years      
and now      
more than ever      
it seems      
that whenever      
i find myself      
in social gatherings      
of almost any kind      
where theres      
more than      
three or four      
people      
or even friends      
ive known for years      
at times      
depending to some degree      
at least      
upon the situation      
and the unpredictable mix      
of egoic personalities      
fluctuating      
individual moods      
temperaments      
and the ever shifting      
flow      
of other such      
much more subtle      
energies      
in which      
i tend too often      
to somewhat      
socially shut down      
feeling awkwardly      
invisible      
unseen  unheard      
and not so much      
a part      
internally      
and externally alike      
but even      
much more so      
whenever      
i find myself      
feeling trapped      
or stuck      
in the midst      
of any larger      
public  social gathering      
event      
claustrophobic group      
or suffocating      
tight packed      
noisy crowd      
with no apparent      
quick nor easy      
way out      
despite  no matter      
and irregardless      
of my initially      
feeling      
good about myself      
comfortable in my skin      
confident      
happy and all      
still nonetheless      
too often it seems      
that whenever      
i do dare      
open my mouth      
to speak      
to try and share      
my feelings or thoughts      
aloud      
that almost      
as often as not      
it seems to come out      
to the ears      
and minds of others      
as just a lot      
loose lipped  convoluted      
too expansive      
for most      
apparently incomprehensible      
poly woggish      
woggle splot      
nonesensical gibberish      
or at least      
too often it seems      
and self consciously feels      
that way to me      
to come across      
to others      
based mostly on      
their unspoken      
body english      
on all their      
non responsive      
blank  puzzled empty      
stares      
shown in their      
stone faced      
slack jawed      
rolled back eyes      
sustained pregnant pauses      
and other impatient      
short attention span      
completely clueless looks      
from those im only      
trying to      
freely and openly      
speak my relevantly      
relative      
intelligently worded      
though usually perhaps      
just a bit      
too much more      
multi dimensionally      
perceived and expressed      
than most folks      
these days      
are accustomed to      
if they even      
are at all      
and so it goes      
just as it usually      
and almost always has      
now      
for over these last      
past fifty five      
years      
which even here      
now      
at sixty eight      
plus years old      
still sometimes      
but not quite as much      
only makes me      
want to      
crawl off under      
some rock      
or back off into      
my old  lonesome      
but much safer feeling      
sad  little      
secretly hidden      
inner box      
of isolated      
acutely self conscious      
chronic      
less thanism      
where i can      
at least      
temporarily flee    
to secretly      
lick my      
perpetually haunted      
reopened  old      
lifelong socially      
misunderstood wounds      
in the relatively      
unseen  undetected      
privacy      
and self incarceration      
of my      
equally      
self imposed      
free will chosen      
dissociative retreat      
back into      
my solitary      
anti social  misfits      
metamorphically healing      
psychologically      
safer feeling      
innermost      
protective      
cocoon      
back into      
my much more      
lonesome      
non conformist      
escapist      
sad  little box      
of my chronic      
isolations      
social      
introversions      
seemingly      
endless      
and inescapable      
recurrent      
looping cycle      
of necessary escape    
back into which      
it seems      
ive somehow      
presently      
returned to      
here now    
back into this    
much safer feeling    
socially withdrawn    
seemingly lifelong    
semi invisible  
self isolated   
comfort zone  
or is it possibly  
more    
or only    
my own subconsciously    
self deluded    
self imposed    
escapist      
metamorphic cocoon    
of self incarceration    
back into    
some deeply suppressed    
shadow wounds   
introspectively reflective  
inner  
healing tomb    
of possibly deceptive    
false safety    
back even more deeply    
into my own    
custom built    
temporary retreat    
from the    
ever increasingly crazier    
true insanity    
of this our now    
rapidly failing world    
where i can see    
take and find    
some temporary respite    
neutral solace    
of soft healing    
inner most peace  
at least    
for a little while    
or for however long    
i might need    
outside of its illusory    
but still increasingly    
terrifying    
dying  external matrix    
within this strange    
inner space    
ive throughout    
most of my life    
fled off into    
whenever needed    
which i can    
only describe here    
now    
as i see it    
and have come    
to know it    
as my own    
inner bubble    
of relative safety    
of necessary separation    
of temporary    
isolation    
as i go here    
now    
back to regroup    
recharge    
and recenter    
to temporarily    
break away    
from all the relentless    
insanity    
of this simultaneously    
devolving    
yet ever evolving    
transcendently ascending  
but mostly  
still sleeping  
obliviously unawakened  
world    
as i slip off    
and away  
once more  
back into  
the relative  sanity    
of my presently    
still beckoning  
retro reverse  
necessary  
introversion again  
though mostly just for  
a temporary break  
a much needed  
sweet respite away  
from all that  
to regroup  
to reground  
to recover  
to process  
and recenter myself  
body  heart  
mind and spirit  
hopefully back into  
some better semblance  
of calm inner peace  
of overall balance  
before consciously  
jumping right back  
into the ring  
of day to day  
lifes  
and most  
of humanitys  
ever increasing  
so overwhelming  
so relentlessly exhausting  
energy draining  
life force depleting  
soul suffocating  
seemingly never ending  
outer and inner  
inescapable  
insanities  
again