To My First Love, In Memoriam

 
I've tried to write this
three times  
and I hated every one
for feeling clumsy
and try-hard bittersweet
 
So unworthy of who you  
are to me
 
You helped me find pieces of myself
that I hadn't lost
I just didn't think they existed
and I learned that I could be loved
by someone who didn't have to
 
It was terrifying
beautiful
and eventually overwhelmed
because “our future” was a concept
I wasn't prepared for
 
So I ran  
 
Though, not far
just enough distance for mending hearts
to find a way to be friends  
 
Not what you'd planned
and we struggled through  
obstacles of pain  
and misunderstanding
 
Thinking back now,  
with far more years of experience  
and life lessons
it's more clear than ever
that your love was truly beautiful
and terrifying
 
It's been nearly twenty years now
since I lost the comfort
of your existence  
on the worst day in June
 
That hurt
can still sneak up  
and punch me in the gut
 
Because I think a part of me
still likes to think  
you're just a call away
as long as I don't pick up the phone
 
I don't know who I'd be
without who you are to me
but I know I'm better  
for carrying with me what you gave
 
Maybe tonight I'll put my feet in the waves
whisper hello from the shoreline
breathe in the briny air
and find some small comfort  
that you're now part of the water
you dreamed of calling home