deepundergroundpoetry.com
Submissive Origami
It takes imagination to create
a little force to crease
bend in ways not known before
to ponder a moment
in origami silence
I know you
pliable, willing to fold
your edges into a shape designed
to stir tears to my eyes
ellicit a hunger for more
to find the boundaries
of submission
how many ways you can bend
but not break
a delicate tiger folded
tight
roars into the night
a little force to crease
bend in ways not known before
to ponder a moment
in origami silence
I know you
pliable, willing to fold
your edges into a shape designed
to stir tears to my eyes
ellicit a hunger for more
to find the boundaries
of submission
how many ways you can bend
but not break
a delicate tiger folded
tight
roars into the night
Published 8th Jun 2022
| Edited 9th Jun 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 9
reads 209
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Jun 2022 5:39am
Oh my, I love this. Delicate, sensual, sexy as hell... creating a feeling, not just setting a scene, though one is easily brought to imagination.
Just a couple things, if you'd like to think about them:
-----
It takes imagination to create
a little force to crease
bend in ways not known before
-----
I was thinking perhaps "unkown" would be nice vs "not known" because it would play well with imagination.
-----
a tiger folded delicate
tight
-----
My suggestion here is to consider the word order: "a delicate tiger folded" would lead into "tight" a little easier. I assume that delicate is after folded because the folds are delicate, but delicate leading to tight feels a little awkward, and it interrupted the flow a bit
Just some thoughts. Lovely piece, truly :-)
Just a couple things, if you'd like to think about them:
-----
It takes imagination to create
a little force to crease
bend in ways not known before
-----
I was thinking perhaps "unkown" would be nice vs "not known" because it would play well with imagination.
-----
a tiger folded delicate
tight
-----
My suggestion here is to consider the word order: "a delicate tiger folded" would lead into "tight" a little easier. I assume that delicate is after folded because the folds are delicate, but delicate leading to tight feels a little awkward, and it interrupted the flow a bit
Just some thoughts. Lovely piece, truly :-)
8th Jun 2022 5:47am
9th Jun 2022 8:14pm
Flipped the tiger dust kept not known can’t even articulate why, but the suggestion is a good one thank you
9th Jun 2022 8:18pm
No need to. Sometimes, we just like some things better than other things. :-)
Glad you liked the suggestions.
Glad you liked the suggestions.
8th Jun 2022 4:01pm
That was fucking ethereal.
origami silence
::ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS PHRASE?! ::
Fucking stunning.
origami silence
::ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS PHRASE?! ::
Fucking stunning.
9th Jun 2022 8:15pm
Nope not kidding, I wrote it and went yep keeping that fucker for the win 😂
8th Jun 2022 5:04pm
I love what Paperstains had to say. Erotica, to me, is done well when there is a subtlety to the images, evocative and elusive shadows sliding together. Also, I enjoy when the focus isn't just on the carnal, but on the aspects of the relationship that make the erotic meaningful, the delicate and tempestuous images painted to grant full dimensions, such as on Paperstains own erotic piece. This was well done to my eye.
9th Jun 2022 8:18pm
I flirt with both sides of the aisle, sticking more in the descriptive, closer to porn aspects of writing, but erotica is so personal a preference I have to defer to readers thoughts on this topic, and write what I write.
On that note
Appreciate the stop by Daniel, I haven’t commented on much of any of your stuff because it’s dense and rich, I need to spend some time with it.
Thank you for the read, review and nod to the more subtle side of erotica.
being compared to Paperstains in that way is high praise, so appreciate that
On that note
Appreciate the stop by Daniel, I haven’t commented on much of any of your stuff because it’s dense and rich, I need to spend some time with it.
Thank you for the read, review and nod to the more subtle side of erotica.
being compared to Paperstains in that way is high praise, so appreciate that
9th Jun 2022 00:09am
Well damn, I was not minding the gap apparently because how did I miss this one. This is truly a work of art. Seductive, sensual, elegant, and so meaningful. And everything that the previous comments said as well. Loved it!
