counting the minutes in the days

Day 5
can't eat
barely sleep
nausea creeping through
everything I do

I force food into my body
try and give myself
the energy to get through

I reach out
to another helpline
try and find peace
among the broken pieces
but they offer me
nothing more than temporary
reassurances and hope
because no one can give me
and guarantee
that I'll get through this
unscathed

I fear the future
I fear what I can't see
or hold onto

I fear harder times
and trying to find the strength
to weather them
when I can barely weather this

And so I fall under the weight
of today's anxiety
that holds me down
and tells me I'm not drowning
while I choke to breathe

I spend half the day outside
kicking a soccor ball
crying into the wind
until I can inhale
without panicking

Inside
I put Disney on the TV
watch kids movies
to ease the raging beast
that comes in waves
to remind me
that these small moments
of peace are an illusion
and that I can't keep
the beast at bay indefinitely

It's day 5
can't eat
barely sleep
nausea creeping through
everything I do

Anxiety has the upper hand
and all I can do
is take small steps
so that maybe tomorrow
this anxiety won't win

© Indie Adams 2022