a sad story of artistic expression

Hello

Welcome to DU. Good to have you here, even better receiving a comment from you.

Thank you for the kindness.

Blue Skies ;)

Al

I’ve been sitting on this one all day. Wasn’t in the right frame of mind to comment on it this morning.

This is you at your metaphorical A-game. I certainly got an interpretation out of it anyway.  The personification of the brushes made this an intriguing little read.

I’m not sure about the ending on this one tho. There’s something a little clunky about how it landed, and I can’t figure it out either right now. But maybe it will come to me over time.

On a side note, I hope these brushes paint better than that streaky nightmare in your picture… technique, people. C’mon. 😂

Thank you for sharing this one. I did so enjoy it.

-M

Hello

Yes!

Thank you for that.. I agree on this read it did bump in the landing. Thank you ever so much for pointing that out. Can I ask how you might feel about...

"while in the city
nine arrived with two
whose eyes locked fifty
they stood in the gallery
thinking
why
does no body
love me?"

I think the bump may be a mixture of sylables and rhyme leaving the ending rather abrupt?

I truly appreciate your working through this with me.

Blue Skies:)

I think that rides a little better. Though nobody is one word, dear… heh. Unless that’s a play on words? Ie / no body > physical body that is absent compared to
nobody > no one is around.

(Have I just semi-justified my own wrong point here?… what a fucking day 😂)

I think maybe it was the over-punctuation that was messing with me. It does that sometimes!

-M

Haha
Madam you were quite correct I found "nobody" to run much smoother.  

As per my usual bad behavior I changed a few things we hadn't discussed while the edit was open.

1) removed the caps on the first letter per stanza.
2) reduced the piece to 5 stanzas
3) added 2 words and removed 1

I'm feeling like I miss the second "just why"  in the close... but may just need a few more run through.

Dunno how you feel, but if seems to have landed a little more fluid this time?

Blue Skies..  

P.S. I really appreciate your eyes on this. It's a special write this one.

Ok… let’s do this *cracks knuckles*

After “thick shiny glare” I think I’d deffo line break… just because that dichotomy between the two thoughts of moving between nine and two and I kinda get from this that they’re two very different “objects”.

Yep - I’m totally feeling the lack of capital letters thing. I think it actually adds a smoothness to the write.

If we’re really gonna pull this thing apart… I think

Impressionist    
energetic    
vulnerability    

hinders shit a little. May I suggest:

and nine      
so in awe of two      
dedicated
impressionistic   
canvas

// (break)

and two painted a landscape
in soft pale blues […]

… plus you’ve got that nice internal rhyme scheme going on there as well with two / blue / view which is a nice touch.

Just a few thoughts anyway.

-M

(All views my own. You of course don’t have to listen to a single word.)

Hello
(No need for the disclaimer. I had marked the 'work' for "honest critique")

I've changed the title slightly. reducing yet another capital letter.  

In S3 it previously said another brush... I changed that to " a third brush"  just preferred making it clear it was a third...

I agree with the line breaks as suggested it seems to read better with each being an individual.

I'm battling here though...

"and nine     
so in awe of two     
dedicated    
impressionistic     
canvas   "

It seems abrupt. It's almost like it's less cared for than the other 2 verses.

I agree though taking the other two words out though. So I'm mulling that.

The closing I added "just why" it just seems to give the tongue more to work with.  

Thank you so much for involving yourself in my artistic space. I really appreciate it.  

Blue Skies at you Madam

Al

(Yeah well, bitch loves a bracket… sue me.. 🤣)

I think the missing capitals here works well. Kinda gives a nod to fucking off conventional art into the ether and I like the rebellion of that. I guess that’s why most of us art.

The “impressionistic canvas” verse — I guess that one might just come down to personal preference. While I do really like the stripped back approach when it comes to superfluous language I understand that not everyone does. So I guess you have to go with what feels right for you. It’s your poem after all.

The additional “just why” doesn’t seem to effect the flow at all so it doesn’t do the poem any harm.

-M

(Oh, and you’re welcome. It’s the best poetic workout I’ve had in years. 😂)

[quote]
I’ve been sitting on this one all day. Wasn’t in the right frame of mind to comment on it this morning.

This is you at your metaphorical A-game. I certainly got an interpretation out of it anyway.  The personification of the brushes made this an intriguing little read.

I’m not sure about the ending on this one tho. There’s something a little clunky about how it landed, and I can’t figure it out either right now. But maybe it will come to me over time.

On a side note, I hope these brushes paint better than that streaky nightmare in your picture… technique, people. C’mon. 😂

Thank you for sharing this one. I did so enjoy it.

-M
[/quote]

To get back to the original conversation...

Thank you, for sitting on it for a day, that is extremely kind of you. I am grateful.

I'm unsure about "A game" but I'm so pleased you got something out of this metaphor. I do love writing in metaphors (lately I have come to realise I speak in them to) I've been glued to the Johnny Depp trial and I realized he and I are so similar in our thought patterns and speech that I understand more than one would expect from what he is saying.

I think us modern day DU members don't give personification enough credit. We seem to get a rut of I and You and forget personification (comp idea incoming)

Thank you for the kindness of discussing the bumps in it and working them through with me. I appreciate that more than you'll ever know.

The picture is definitely part of the metaphor. I'm glad you picked that up.

Thank you so so much

Al

Ahh, you welcome.  

As for Johnny Depp… can we just take a second for “a mega pint”… I’ve been creased up laughing on TikTok about that for days! Heh

Enjoy the view. 😉  

-M

Hello Tim

Thank you for popping in.
I feel it is how we look at it. I suppose the eyes we use are those made up of dreams.

Also so often we have no idea of the amount of work put in "for us" while we baske in our belief that we are unloved or unrecognized etc.

Artists are a fickle bunch.
My late dad called it " me syndrome "

Both ways though the points and learning are particularly valid.

Thank you so much for your eyes and words on this piece. I do appreciate it a hell of a lot.

Al

hello dearest Al I am unsure why this one impacted my soul so much
perhaps from an artist's standpoint and a personal one
I often don't feel loved I'm sure I am I just don't always connect with that feeling...

I love the references to differing techniques and how different people were drawn to it
it's funny isn't it in love it's the same what turn on one body or soul won't another...

we are often left implementing different sides of our being to connect with others...

great write ❤️

hello my awesome Bren friend

I think you nailed the metaphor here as I saw it, not connecting with the love offered and freely given. I'm so often guilty of that, as equally as being guilty of assuming that the love I give freely is not appreciated. Love is such a complicated at the best of times, in art I feel it's a nightmare.

thank you for the kind words and eyes on this poem, I think it's one that's special and a poem I'll definitely keep, you commenting on it makes it even more special.

It's fantastic to see you!

blue skies at you milady

Al <3

the masquerading metaphors did paint an intriguing collage indeed ! even familially familiar i dare infer..err..um or wud that be fallible? :))
not to miss the point though...love is quite unpredictably placed, even at best...
thanks Al for the thought..
(also loved the engrossing banter contributed by Missy.thanks)

And...
Your eye spotted that ;)
I liked the aliteration you put to it! Had a moment of why, why did I not do that ;)

As you quite rightly say "love is unpredictably placed" if I remember correctly the question that inspired the original write was "do you think a person can love more than one person equally" well obviously I do. But that then spured the thinking process of being loved, yet believing we're not.

Thanks for your eyes on this, your thought provoking comment and mentioning Missy's valuable contribution to the work.

Best wishes & Blue Skies

Al

thank you Al.
i do agree with you there - on expecting to be loved unconditionally by those we take for granted and vice versa as well ;)
cheers.