deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sunrise Lover
Watched the sun rise
over hopeless apartment buildings.
Talked about
the rest of the world
according to Us.
Drank imported beer,
smoked cheap cigarettes;
life is about the things that are
important to you.
Philosophy and alcohol
paled in comparison
with knowing that sunrise,
like it was a lover,
or like you were a lover.
Went home that morning
with your name on my lips,
with a hangover from God.
Didn't see you again
for months.
When you called last night,
your voice was like
a sugar-coated violet,
and I could smell
your perfume
through the phone.
And I'm wondering
if there will be another sunrise.
And I'm hoping.
Yes, I'm hoping.
over hopeless apartment buildings.
Talked about
the rest of the world
according to Us.
Drank imported beer,
smoked cheap cigarettes;
life is about the things that are
important to you.
Philosophy and alcohol
paled in comparison
with knowing that sunrise,
like it was a lover,
or like you were a lover.
Went home that morning
with your name on my lips,
with a hangover from God.
Didn't see you again
for months.
When you called last night,
your voice was like
a sugar-coated violet,
and I could smell
your perfume
through the phone.
And I'm wondering
if there will be another sunrise.
And I'm hoping.
Yes, I'm hoping.
Published 11th Mar 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
Now that is very good. The images lead into each other in unexpected ways. You mix the images to reenforce each other ( hangover from both philosophy and alcohol, the promise of another sunrise being like the promise of another relationship). There are two things that stuck out however. "knowing that sunrise." I know that you use the word "that" to mean this specific sunrise, but I had to go back and re-read the sentence twice to figure it out. The first two times I read it "that sunrise" sounds like you are telling us a fact about sunrise in general (ie that sunrise is warm, that sunrise is bright). It stops the flow dead while we try to sort out the syntax. If you change "that" to "the" you get almost the same meaning without stopping the flow. The second thing is more of a style issue. I'm not sure if dropping the initial prepositions (we and I) helps you. It may draw more attention to the fact that you are trying to be poetic. It kept pulling my focus toward the writer and away from the subject. If you add them back in I think the act of being clever becomes more transparent and it allows you to just be clever. I strongly suggest the 1st change, but defer to your judgement on the second. With a little polish this is a very brilliant little gem.
11th Mar 2012 8:26pm
As always, you make the reader feel they are right beside you in the wonderful scenes you paint. My hat's off to you, ma'am.
