Allie

There's no proper time line  
for how this is supposed to work
 
I miss you  
 
And yet
I wouldn't change
the way things fell apart  
you gave me strength
even when you weren't around  
to see how we all shattered  
and put ourselves back together
like mismatched puzzle pieces
that look like a whole picture
as long as you don't stand too close
to the cracks and shadows  
 
But I'd be lying if I said  
your death didn't break me  
adrenline overriding fear and grief
sitting with you  
waiting on a home nurse
hands covered in parts of you
in an effort to make sure
you could breathe
 
I was there until the end  
and I'd pay the same price
for the moments I get to keep
in the aftermath  
memories of friendship and love
stories of silliness and hope  
a life fill with joy and regrets  
knowing that we
couldn't have loved you better  
knowing you died surrounded by love
 
You were the most
beautifully imperfect person
I've ever known  
and I wish you were still here
to share in all the things  
that go on in your absence  
 
There's no timeline for grief
no guidebook for nightmares
because it wasn't you dying that haunts me
it was the way cancer  
stripped you of yourself  
and left your struggling to breathe
last words I'll never forget  
 
© Indie Adams 2022