deepundergroundpoetry.com
Fragment #1
I am the woman on top of you.
I am the one you are inside of.
See me. Open your eyes.
Come to this moment.
Your member fills my opening
You are the man inside of me
Be here. Please look at me. Touch me with
your hands.
I am not the woman in your mind.
I am just the woman on your cock.
Want me. Listen to me.
Grunt in reply to my cunt.
We're only fucking aren't we?
It's very clear that you're somewhere else.
Let's go. Get this over with.
Think of me tomorrow.
Our bodies collide, but not our eyes.
I ride you to the anti-climax.
Pull out. Clean off the sticky.
Get ready to leave.
I am the one you are inside of.
See me. Open your eyes.
Come to this moment.
Your member fills my opening
You are the man inside of me
Be here. Please look at me. Touch me with
your hands.
I am not the woman in your mind.
I am just the woman on your cock.
Want me. Listen to me.
Grunt in reply to my cunt.
We're only fucking aren't we?
It's very clear that you're somewhere else.
Let's go. Get this over with.
Think of me tomorrow.
Our bodies collide, but not our eyes.
I ride you to the anti-climax.
Pull out. Clean off the sticky.
Get ready to leave.
Published 9th Mar 2012
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9th Mar 2012 4:29pm
if his mind wasnt there
maybe you should go elsewhere
or maybe you didnt do something right
because if you ride or suck the dick out of sight
then a better response you will definitely get
& on his face you can gladly sit
as the reward for your intense sexual labor
making your taste the only 1 he wants to savor
so the next time it shouldnt be like this
or you could come find me & feel pleasure so relentless....lol
maybe you should go elsewhere
or maybe you didnt do something right
because if you ride or suck the dick out of sight
then a better response you will definitely get
& on his face you can gladly sit
as the reward for your intense sexual labor
making your taste the only 1 he wants to savor
so the next time it shouldnt be like this
or you could come find me & feel pleasure so relentless....lol
Anonymous
9th Mar 2012 9:35pm
Hi Stella and welcome to DU. I really liked the way you went after this, but I think you went off-subject, wandered a little. The subject, as the first stanza so effectively and forcefully announces, is that your partner is not engaging with YOU. This is something I'm sure women all over the world will relate to. Stanza 2 starts off weakly for me. 'Your member fills my opening' is almost like something from a science class, a retreat from your bold entrance.I think you should shorten it thus using italics where I can only access capitals.
You fill me.
You are the man INSIDE of me.
BE here. Please LOOK at me. TOUCH me.
Stanza 3 really nails the issue and I really liked your strong, daring rhyme using the taboo word 'cunt'. I'd personally have given 'grunt' a line to itself, and emphasized 'WANT me,' and 'LISTEN TO ME' more forcefully. After all. He's fucking YOU and thinking of someone else. That's appawling. You should be furious, highly indignant at least. 'Look at MEEEE you FUCK! ! !'
The next stanza begins 'we're only fucking, aren't we?'
That seems incongruous to the thrust of the poem so far where you've asked for him to engage MORE. It seems to suggest you want him to lighten up. I suggest something like 'we're not even fucking'
The last stanza contains the poetic gem of 'ride you to the anti-climax' which I'd shorten to ' ride you to anti-climax'. I kinda wanted to hear 'think of me now even if you won't think of me tomorrow' (it seems pretty certain that he WON'T think of you tomorrow) and I'd discard the last two lines to make room for it as they're pretty redundant given what's gone before.
I hope this doesn't sound over-critical. If so, my apologies, I've tried absolutely to be constructive and attentive. Moreover I never critique in depth unless I really rate the poem. Which, in this case, I definitely do. Bravo. redTbird
You fill me.
You are the man INSIDE of me.
BE here. Please LOOK at me. TOUCH me.
Stanza 3 really nails the issue and I really liked your strong, daring rhyme using the taboo word 'cunt'. I'd personally have given 'grunt' a line to itself, and emphasized 'WANT me,' and 'LISTEN TO ME' more forcefully. After all. He's fucking YOU and thinking of someone else. That's appawling. You should be furious, highly indignant at least. 'Look at MEEEE you FUCK! ! !'
The next stanza begins 'we're only fucking, aren't we?'
That seems incongruous to the thrust of the poem so far where you've asked for him to engage MORE. It seems to suggest you want him to lighten up. I suggest something like 'we're not even fucking'
The last stanza contains the poetic gem of 'ride you to the anti-climax' which I'd shorten to ' ride you to anti-climax'. I kinda wanted to hear 'think of me now even if you won't think of me tomorrow' (it seems pretty certain that he WON'T think of you tomorrow) and I'd discard the last two lines to make room for it as they're pretty redundant given what's gone before.
I hope this doesn't sound over-critical. If so, my apologies, I've tried absolutely to be constructive and attentive. Moreover I never critique in depth unless I really rate the poem. Which, in this case, I definitely do. Bravo. redTbird
10th Mar 2012 1:53am
Grunt in reply to my cunt. That's a helluva good line. Great poem. As to the softer spots , Tbird is on the money. 1st line 2nd stanza is a little clinical, as is the title. Had I such an organ and had written such a devilish little gem, the title I think might be "In Reply to my Cunt." The line about the member could be any such thing that refers to his poking, or splitting you in half or even being able to feel his pulse through the meat... any such thing more concrete. We're only fucking aren't we? could easily become Are we only fucking here? You bring up a strange phenomenon also... people who doctor the reality of sex with the rear-view-mirror of fantasy. He may be shelving the reality of you for the fantasy of someone else, but next year shelving some other reality for the fantasy of you. I like how the short breathless stabs of the lines in the first stanza eventually wind down to the flacid matter-of-fact style of the final stanza. Very tight and physical, as a good poem should be.
