fever dream

"floating in space"
is what he says
and takes another bite of his breakfast eggs
looking down on me
with slight concern in his eyes
as I sit on the floor
leaned against his sofa
burying my head in my arms and hands
and peeking through them, at him, sometimes

funny how he exactly describes what I've been feeling
what I've been struggling with
for a while now
lost, insecure, alone, irrelevant
take these words and multiply them by ten
maybe twelve
I thought I haven't told him enough yet
I wonder if he ever felt the same
I should ask him next time

some minutes ago, I puked into his toilet
four or five times
cleaned up after myself
took a shower
brushed my teeth
opened the window
got dressed and, in a halfway controlled manner,
collapsed on his living room parquet
exhausted
a chair seemed too demanding
I can't control my body well enough

he sits across the table
it's ten AM
"sorry for puking at your place
after only the tenth date
I usually wait until the fifteenth"
I give him a weak smile
"d'you know what the worst thing is?
I won't be able to eat your lasagna for a while"
he looks so damn attractive
I wish I could fuck him right now
how could I not

I'm too weak to go home
I crawl onto his sofa, pull a blanket over me
I recognize it
he laid me on top of it a couple weeks ago, legs tied
and made me squirt on myself
I remember seeing the drops and splashes on my stomach and chest
beautiful
after a smoke, he spoons me, puts his arm around me and we fall asleep
how could I not