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(…)

What do I know about being alone?
Now suddenly I dream on my own.
I haven’t moved a thing as if perhaps you’ve died.
And I can’t even imagine how many times I’ve cried,
Looking at all these treasures that you left on the shelf.
There is just nothing here to remind me of myself.

Flowers wilted long ago that you kept for my sake.
There’s nothing left here but dry petals for me to take:
Pathways to shadows that make your face in my path
You left your smoke ring and your razor on the lip of the bath
And it kills me to recall the way that you used to shave…
Under the water while I was digging my own grave
Thinking that I could make you understand,
Thinking that you’d want to hold my hand.

Goodbye never came.
And you say one of us has to be sad
To accord with the balance that we had.
And all I hear in Heaven is something like your name
I thought I saw you walking in the snow last night.
And for a moment, I thought everything would be alright.
It could have been you coming home to mend my heart
But you just keep tearing me apart
I’m sorry that I pushed your heart away.
I’m sorry that all my chances couldn’t make you stay.
I’m sorry that it wasn’t you I saw in the snow—
I’m sorry that you decided you had to go.
And most of all I’m sorry that I couldn’t be your love.
I’m sorry that what I gave was never enough.
I wish I could turn back time—give you what you need
I wish you could help me say goodbye.
But I don’t know how to commit the deed…
I just don’t know how to love you enough to die.
But it’s true that I am dying without you by my side.
And for every lover that ever died
I’m sorry that I cannot heal. I’m sorry that I cannot heal.

© 2021 Marten Hoyle