Letter I’ll never send M

Letter I will never send mum  
 
You wanted an abortion but it was too late  
then you wanted me to be a boy  
I’m a girl
then you took in two other children
 and left me to be looked after by whoever would do it  
When I was ill it was not you I reached for
when i called you mummy you would look disgusted  
and say don’t call me that  
When I was exposed to disgusting things
 and I told someone you told me that didn’t happen even though you knew that it had and probably worse had happened  
and now I have lost years of memory most likely due to horrific things  
you left me with a monster knowing what  they were    
you exposed me to seeing men hurt you and you do nothing but cry and not leave  
not even when he took it out on me or one of the children you took in  
Not when he smashed cabinets not when i as a five year old grabbed a bat  
and ran in to defend you  
you made me out to be the bad person  
 
You never gave me a chance at life  
you couldn’t even give me clean school uniform you didn’t get up in the morning to take me to school  
and you didn’t pick me up  
I didn’t even know how bad things were
 because to me it was normal  
you told me that I didn’t need an education  
while in the same breath told the boy you took in  
That he would go nowhere in life without one  
You broke every promise you ever made me you would let me get my hopes up  
and couldnt even bother to deal with the fall out when those hopes were dashed  
I’ve been in therapy for longer than I can remember  
social services were called every week I was in primary school  
and you just couldn’t give me up then  
and give me a chance  
instead you just caused damage  
 
Before  I was ending primary school  
I didn’t even blink when an adult man kissed me
instead I just accepted it
didn’t bat an eye  
 i would hide away for hours with a book
 I would live in fantasy worlds in my head  
to live with the reality of the chaos that surrounded me  
you caused that for me at such formative years that I never was going to be unaffected by it  
 
Then you did something even worse
 you allowed my pathetic excuse for a dad take his rage out on me  
even sitting in the same room while I was kicked and stamped on  
while he called me a monster and told you look she doesn’t even flinch she has no feelings,  
you dragged me out of that house  
because I couldn’t walk I could barely fucking breathe
because I was choking on my own blood  
While I silently cried
 I was a fucking child and you didn’t even have the humanity to take me to hospital  
because I wouldn’t lie about what had happened to me
Instead you left me to lie on the bedroom floor and silently cry you didn’t say a word to me  
 
You saw I had cut the word slut into my leg with a broken piece of glass  
as he had called me it so many times it may as well have been my name
and you told me to make sure nobody else saw not a single care about why your 12 year old was feeling so bad about theirselves they had carved a word like that only her skin  
 
I started to not come home and instead of doing anything  
you showed him my diary where I had written about a sexual encounter  
knowing that it would result in another beating that boy who actually cared let me stay as much as he could to protect me  
and when I got drunk and told him how bad it was he got his mother to call the NSPCC  
and what did you do when you heard?  
Left me in a room with him for yet another beating so while you may not have been the one giving the  beating you knew they were happening and did absolutely nothing .  
 
I stopped eating you didn’t notice not even when food was so alien to my body  
I couldn’t even eat half a weetabix without throwing up  
when you could count my ribs and I was a bag of bones  
 instead you was more bothered about dressing me up provocatively  
to take photos  
to do GOD knows what with them
 you used me when I could get you something that you wanted and then I didn’t exist.  
 
I was sexually abused for months under your roof and I didn’t even bother telling anyone
 I tried to do things to get him to stop but it didn’t work,  
I knew you wouldn’t have cared even if you did know so I just accepted it and kept it moving  
The thought didn’t even cross my mind to tell you
 
When I begged for help from anyone who would listen you told them I was a liar  
You made out I was some sick teen
Who would lie about  abuse
When I was removed into care  
you didn’t even show up at court  
in fact you’d signed  the papers
 because I was getting too much hassle
from there things just got worse.  
When you were contacted by police
after I had been held against my will drugged
raped and escaped
you told me to not go through with the court case.  
 
When I defended you for the last time against the same man I had when I was 5 that was your breaking point
 you pretended to leave him  
and that we were going to have a fresh start and instead you left me in a house  that was now mine  
and just didn’t come back I protected you and you dumped me like trash.  
Then when I was trying to escaped domestic violence a few years later  
again you told me not to go to the police despite the fact I had to fight off a man who was on top of me hands around my throat and who was attempting to kill me  
who said himself if I hadn’t got him off of me he wouldn’t have stopped until I was dead.  
 
 
So you’re not a mother
 I don’t know what the right term is for you  
but I made it through everything you and everyone else has done to me  
and I don’t know where I get it from
You don’t even acknowledge this has happened  
you live in your own world In your head  
You and my dad honestly deserve eachother for what you both did to me  
you destroyed a life before it was even really lived and my biggest achievement in life is saving my daughter from you and being a parent who is absolutely nothing like you