Shinigami

Life is full of weird things,
A little fantastic, fleeting & out of reach.
But to be alive is the worst,
That's what my conflicted mind feels.

Seeing everyone around me,
I feel this lingering sensation,
Cheap friendships & worthless values,
Animals, In the name of human impersonation.

I pretend as though I never noticed,
The reason I lived a life full of repression.
The constant fear of losing someone,
Unintended feeling of unadulterated attention.

Before I knew it,
I was already feeding myself with lies.
My worst fear was what I turned out to be,
Indulging myself into the twisted flow of life.

At that moment I realized,
I want to destroy the world & myself.
Nothing in this world has any value,
Yet my heart longs to be here,
The urge of being forever deceived.

I stared at the vast empty sky every night,
Not long enough to see it splashing with red,
Yet long enough to be lost in the darkness.

Despising & rejecting my reality till the last day,
But what's the proof of my futile existence?
If it's meant to disappear without resistance?

Yet I can't get rid of this notion,
That someone will come to find me.
This feeling of wanting to believe,
Like everyone I wanted to reach out my hand & grab happiness,
Just to end up becoming the monster & feed off of my own flesh.

No one wants to hear the truth,
Words that hurt our ear.
It's easier to keep piecing together,
The fragments of our tiny little self,
Not being able to accept the fear.

The end has already come to my life,
And the song that I hate so much is playing.
Permeating through every pore of my body,
Killing all the words I thought I was saying.

At that moment I realized,
I never wanted to bear a grudge,
This life where I cannot love myself.
To let the world see this worthless life,
A life that never even made me feel alive.

As I see them burying the remnants of hurtful remarks,
The restless wind takes me away & I smile with bitter tears.
A vile display of superfluity washes them all away.
In this lonely stage of eternal torture,
Prologue of the once human is meant to go astray.

As I entered my last moment,
What color was I bleeding?
The kind look on your face,
Suddenly disappeared,
Holding onto the life that remains.

I still remember the kindness in you,
Even I was able to forgive myself,
Having at least one thing beautiful.

Just to be reminded again,
Of the distance between us.
I still don't know what love is,
I don't want to know what love is anymore either.