Perfect

Perfection
An ideal that doesn't exist
Yet has been my craving since a young girl
To earn love
I had to be
Perfect

Love is
Conditional
On me, my choices, my reactions

And so I became a master puppeteer
Smile there, be kind and empathetic here
Study, research, be knowledgeable and wise, so wise
A type of control only other perfectionists know

I cry often
But I stand up more
Even when my knees are shaking
I look through their eyes and try to understand
To rationalize the pain they have caused me
Am I not good enough yet? How can I improve?

After years, I became the weak master of my own trauma
I learned why I acted the way I did, I battle my own toxicities every day
I am no longer a perfect student of knowledge, but rather humans
For I fell in love with someone I wished to never hurt intentionally again

But today,
In the midst of a storm, of his actions that struck me to my soul, he spat at me
"You're too perfect for me,"
And perfect became an insult rather than a goal

All I have ever wanted was love
To take care of those who needed it, to be taken care of in return
To feel safe and enough
And as my eyes welled with tears,

I came to understand that I would never be enough
For those at war with themselves

And while I will rest and heal,
Cleansing myself of the title, "Perfect,"
I will not stop asking myself
How can I be a better human being?

After all, the only unconditional love there is
Is the love we have for ourselves