Fading

Do I seem stronger for hiding my problems,
  or do reoccurring sleepless days strip my sanity?
Worried I may disappoint my family,
   I deny reaching out for help which might save me

Every test I deem useless, for if I found a diagnosis
   would a cure be possible when I've grown inside this hell since day one?
All my muscles hold so much tension, tangled against my fragile skeleton
   pulled tight across bones I wish could be put to sleep

Promise if I leave,
   would you find forgiveness for me?
I know, unless I set you free
   this disease would kill us the same

Remember when I believed in pressing on
   and living present in each fleeting moment?
Now I struggle just to find
   a single good reason why I should see tomorrow

Emaciated and struggling; my energy is spent inside my own head wondering
   would my lover and my friends be all right without me?
A worthless blemish - a blank canvas in a world of color,
   burnt out trying to calm myself, so I lie expressionless until I fade

Self-doubt strangled my words,
   but did anyone ever listen?
A voice stolen by sorrows gripping my throat
   Deprived of oxygen and hollow now, I hardly converse

Slumbering through daylight hours daily,
   does the sunrise miss me?
Desperate to overcome this fatigue, but plagued by bad dreams when I sleep
   I should have been more honest about why I closed our shades

I suppose if pain breeds lovely things,
   could you consider me a work of genius?
Persistent suffering defines my memories,
   and robs me of a sense of purpose

One moment I might see a glimmer of hope
   but does this illness truly change?
Frigid and trembling in bed
   I am imprisoned by pills supposed to help me cope

Now how do I recover if my symptoms choose to linger,
   am I a shell of who I should be or will this turn me into something better?
Paralysis begins in my head
   but depression claims every piece