deepundergroundpoetry.com
St Mary’s Graveyard
A spacious well kept churchyard, there I sit,
the last of summer sun on lawn and stone
is soon to cool, and then it will befit
her death, which left my heart numb and alone.
Her frame contained a pattern rare now dead,
elsewhere – these graves reflect mortality –
before and when and after we were wed,
she laid in me such joyous memory.
Soon autumn, winter, summer will disrupt,
encroaching nights and shrinking days begun,
this gradual, although her end abrupt;
night came, then morn – no rising of the sun.
Although my self implodes left sole behind
her grace and charm live on inside my mind.
the last of summer sun on lawn and stone
is soon to cool, and then it will befit
her death, which left my heart numb and alone.
Her frame contained a pattern rare now dead,
elsewhere – these graves reflect mortality –
before and when and after we were wed,
she laid in me such joyous memory.
Soon autumn, winter, summer will disrupt,
encroaching nights and shrinking days begun,
this gradual, although her end abrupt;
night came, then morn – no rising of the sun.
Although my self implodes left sole behind
her grace and charm live on inside my mind.
Published 6th Sep 2021
| Edited 10th Sep 2021
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likes 2
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
This is a confident write - I don't know you yet, but am guessing you've been writing for a while. I'm envious of your mostly effortless rhyming. I'm rubbish at it, so tend to go with freeform! The words and rhythm flow well for the most part, and the subject of the poem comes across well. Vivid imagery, and an excellent sense of time passing. A couple of lines feel awkward and might warrant another look:
"as all true loves, our time it knew its strife" is a bit clumsy/ contrived for me.
Although I figured out the meaning here, and it's technically not wrong,
"this gradual, although her end abrupt;
night came" as part of a much longer sentence makes the reader have to work hard, and I wonder if the same thing could be said without the awkward subordinate clause in the middle? Just a couple of things to think about. I really enjoyed it.
"as all true loves, our time it knew its strife" is a bit clumsy/ contrived for me.
Although I figured out the meaning here, and it's technically not wrong,
"this gradual, although her end abrupt;
night came" as part of a much longer sentence makes the reader have to work hard, and I wonder if the same thing could be said without the awkward subordinate clause in the middle? Just a couple of things to think about. I really enjoyed it.
10th Sep 2021 11:05pm
Thank you for your suggestions. I tend to be lazy about rewriting verse, even when, like above, I receive constructive criticism. You were right to say that the line you quoted was contrived, and also that the third stanza was clumsy. I have rewritten in response to your comments, and find that I am happier with the edited version. Thank you for your feedback.
- L
- L
10th Sep 2021 11:09pm
Well done! This is much better. Sometimes I rewrite and sometimes I don't, but I always appreciate honest feedback. I always tell the truth, although if I don't have anything good to say about a poem, I don't say anything at all!
