deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dissatisfaction
And at times I remember
my hatred for competition,
raging at the state of things.
It summons forth within me
A foul belligerent being
full of unsatisfaction
empty of appreciation.
It gives me strength to live
in defiance of convention.
Until the day when I will dictate fairer terms.
my hatred for competition,
raging at the state of things.
It summons forth within me
A foul belligerent being
full of unsatisfaction
empty of appreciation.
It gives me strength to live
in defiance of convention.
Until the day when I will dictate fairer terms.
Published 23rd Aug 2021
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The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Aug 2021 9:57pm
This write shows a very human side to you, and I have to say, I’m all for it. That last line is a blade.
Thank you for sharing.
-M
Thank you for sharing.
-M
Anonymous
- Edited 23rd Aug 2021 11:56pm
23rd Aug 2021 11:48pm
I'd drop the "And" because it feels like we've walked in on a conversation already in progress.
Also, you could drop "full of unsatisfaction" as it merely echoes "empty of appreciation".
"It summons forth within me
A foul belligerent being"
This is where the meat of the poem is for me, as it helps to evoke a Hyde or Incredible Hulk like association in regards to the transformation.
The bulk of the poem is a bit of an unemotional noir type of delivery that contrasts with this beast. I think it would benefit by more hot breath and fangs.
Also, you could drop "full of unsatisfaction" as it merely echoes "empty of appreciation".
"It summons forth within me
A foul belligerent being"
This is where the meat of the poem is for me, as it helps to evoke a Hyde or Incredible Hulk like association in regards to the transformation.
The bulk of the poem is a bit of an unemotional noir type of delivery that contrasts with this beast. I think it would benefit by more hot breath and fangs.
25th Aug 2021 00:21am
disagree; I think each line emphasises the last. repetition can be such a blast!
Anonymous
25th Aug 2021 3:22pm
You mean, redundancy. Repetition is repeating words and phrases. Redundacy is restating the same thing with alternative words.
Sure, "empty" immediately following "full" does emphasize that the narrator is currently not a foul beligerent being as he narrates. Nor does he appear as the opposite ( full of appreciation ). So he's somewhere in between; unemotional, thinking about how emotional he becomes.
By all means, leave the line in if that's what was intended.
Sure, "empty" immediately following "full" does emphasize that the narrator is currently not a foul beligerent being as he narrates. Nor does he appear as the opposite ( full of appreciation ). So he's somewhere in between; unemotional, thinking about how emotional he becomes.
By all means, leave the line in if that's what was intended.
25th Aug 2021 11:57pm
no, by repetition I mean the empathising of a feeling by using similar phrases; but it’s all good, I just happen to like this poem, although my opinion is possibly
redundant
redundant
Anonymous
26th Aug 2021 1:06am
It is unique, thus worth opinionating redundantly about.
6th Sep 2021 5:26pm
Thanks for the comment and critique. Here a few bits hoping to explain the angle I was coming from.
Walking in midway was somewhat the effect I was going for. Like a sort of dream-state where things are already in progress, without a conventional start.
The redundant section is a bit muddled. Trying to make the distinction that I am/was dissatisfied and that was all there was, and incapable of liking anything.
My unsatisfied anger is far from hot breath and fangs; just empty seethings. A snarling beast theme would better suit another emotion and feeling; this was just an empty rant.
Walking in midway was somewhat the effect I was going for. Like a sort of dream-state where things are already in progress, without a conventional start.
The redundant section is a bit muddled. Trying to make the distinction that I am/was dissatisfied and that was all there was, and incapable of liking anything.
My unsatisfied anger is far from hot breath and fangs; just empty seethings. A snarling beast theme would better suit another emotion and feeling; this was just an empty rant.
