Existential Crisis

Lately I’ve been searching and researching the bigger picture. Trying to make myself and my life insignificant on the great cosmic playing field. When you really think about it we as humans are very special yet we are completely trivial. We are only able to destroy and misuse our host, the earth. Humanity, parasites of this beautiful planet full of life that would have lived in perfect harmony without us. Without us humans the planet will be fine and healthy within a few hundred years. Is there any point of being here and now? I think there is none. I am convinced that life is completely useless and pointless. At least for the species called homo-sapiens. With that in mind I started valuing my own existence. Is there any use for me? Is there anything that I do or can do that will effect anything? I don’t think there is. And that thought scares me to my core. My conscious mind can’t handle the thought of being useless an meaningless. Why do I think about this? Is it because I’m feeling sad / depressed? Is it because of my mental health that has been steadily declining day after day? The question ‘why’. The only question that keeps returning every time I’m getting lost in my thoughts. Most of them I can’t answer. One after another those questions enter my brain increasing in complexity. I can’t stand them. I want to end them. Why do I keep thinking. As I’ve said before, it has no use. We have no use. So why do I think? Who do we need to think? I whish I was an animal that only acts on instincts. Just do whatever and whenever my brain tells me to do something. Completely and unconsciously existing and finally after a an end to all existence. But that is impossible. I’m doomed to roam the earth until I exhale my last breath. I could always end it myself but I’m scared of doing that. I already attempted once and ended up in the hospital. It was quite traumatic. Not only for me of course. They found me too early, the pills would have done the trick if they were just an hour later. But that is in the past, I can’t change that anymore. I also can’t change the fact that I have a wife and kids now. So ending it is out of the question. But the questions, thoughts, feelings and voices will never stop. I have to deal with them each and every day. All that without my family noticing it. All that without losing my job or ending up in a mental hospital. Well I have a friend that knows everything about me and I regularly talk with her about my issues. It helps for a few days, sometimes even weeks. But the feelings always return. The thoughts and voices always come back to haunt me. Maybe I need professional help. But that would complicate everything even more. Scheduled appointments each week. Medication that I need to hide. How and when am I able to do this? My brain hurts. My eyes hurt. But all that combined, all that stuff that makes life so difficult is completely and utterly useless. It has no meaning, no use, no point to it all. Why do I torture myself with this? Why? Allot of people smarter and more intelligent than me asked the same questions over and over again and never got their answer. Why should I be different, what makes me special. Exactly, nothing. So I’ve got questions I can’t answer, feelings and thoughts I can’t explain, and on top of that I can’t even get professional help without risking my job or even worse my family. But then again, medication to numb the feelings and thoughts? Numbing everything I am. What kind of life would that be? Would I change? Will my wife still love me? Can I still be a good parent to my kids? Will they still love me? Will I still be able to love myself? I don’t love myself now, but will I be able to do that after medication or psychotherapy? Also questions I can’t answer. They just keep coming and driving me crazy. And if the voices in my head would just be quiet for just a year maybe I could figure it out. I know I’m asking to much. I have no right to ask any of those questions. Especially in the universal play we all have to share. The ever expanding universe which we will never be able to explore. We are just waiting for an end. Maybe a silent one. Just disappearing into darkness and nothingness. Or a violent one. Ending with a big bang full of fire, explosions and death. Either way this existence will end sooner or later.