Manic depressive round up

I wonder what its like to feel normal,
no bruised or broken knuckles,
blood in the sink from another impulse, discarded feelings,
from the ability to turn cold,
when you become a puppet to your own sickness,
 its just one bad decision that turns into a life sentence.

Ever feel like you just want to turn the wheel into traffic,
 just to see what happens?,
that fucking morbid curiosity,
 visions become a problem,
then you start to like them,
act on them,
choose death instead of rock bottom,
 enough playing opossum,
 take that gun
and make something in that head of yours appear,
you're all just a product of fear,
no this is a magic trick act now
watch me fucking disappear...

I can have an army before me
with all their glory stories,
 bore me until the room starts to melt
 into the flooring,
peer pressure is nothing
when you're the worst enemy
your selfish choices,
noises never seem to cease,
voices getting louder in this personalized cathedral,
 echo the same fate,
as those who struggled before me
, tore me from the grim
and brought me back into the sun again,
 just to die somewhere with less meaning,

its like my brain leaks out colors,
 all over from my core
 to the rest of me,
I see greens, blues, reds,
they puddle into blacks and grey
before I can see the beauty of it,
 it starts transforming,
 black hole abyss
where my gaze meets the devil in me